What is Motivation?

My client/boss asked me today

In my late teens/twenties, I had a goal. Maybe you could call it a motivation. Because my education got all kinds of fucked up, and then senior year I was able to connect a few dots. That’s a longer story.

At that point, I decided that I would do whatever I could to encourage other kids that if I could do it despite the lack of encouragement around me. I did that. My mid 30’s I realized I had accomplished that goal several times over. Then I decided I’d live my life for myself. I had poured out everything nurturing to boost those kids self esteem.

Then I was okay, still struggling with motivation and C-PTSD. As well as depression, GAD, and being undiagnosed Autistic (that will be changing come Wednesday).

I achieved my goal. I didn’t really find a new one. And now, at 50, I’m just floating on the water. I’ve worked toward my MLIS, but I’m stuck having to pay for my last fuckup. Then I have one semester left to finish it. But for now, I’m going to apply to SNHU (rolling admission) for a MFA in writing.

I was on track to get stuff going and then last weekend happened and my survival mode dial got turned all the way to 10. I’m coming back down from that level. I got past the dramatics of the situation and now I can get back down to a more manageable level.

But I still lack motivation.

9/6: No Soul-Sucking Allowed, Dammit (but #crowdfunding is)

I started this on Facebook, but opted to bring it over here. And yes, still #crowdfunding to get funds to save storage. 

This is only slightly tongue-in-cheek. Slightly.

My ideal work environment: not dealing with random humans. The occasional co-worker might be okay. I’m currently feeling a smidge Dragonish (i.e. anti-social), so occasional contact is okay.

And no cubicle farms. No/few phones. Email is preferred. I don’t stumble over my words as much. Also my foot doesn’t end up in my mouth as much. 

And not soul-sucking work. I’d like to keep my soul intact for a few more years. At least until I turn 50. Five more years is all I ask.

Let me enter data, do creative-ish things like websites or social media, have a variety of tasks/projects. Research. Gimme things to research. I lurv research. Just not medical, as they want bio degrees. I don’t have one of those. Research and write things. 

Pays well enough for me to move into a market rate studio close-in and cram the rest of my stuff into a smaller storage unit again. Also be able to pay for storage, utilities, Netflix and Hulu again, and eat without needing food stamps. Oh, and put money into savings and pay off a few bills.

*   *   *   *   *   *

Yeah… that shit would take a fucking miracle. I’m screwed.

~Dragon 

(Below is what I need to not lose my storage. Before the 15th)

7/31: #YouCaring, #Crowdfunding, Storage, and Stuff

I really didn’t want to go this route, but here I am. In the menu, you’ll see a new page/link.

YouCaring: Saving Penguin’s Possessions

Come tomorrow morning, August rent for storage will be tacked on, adding another $280 to my current $351. There will likely be other fees attached to July rent.

The goal is to get the excess raised ASAP, preferably before the 15th. The sooner, the better. Why? Because I need access to my nicer shoes for things like interviews. The only interview-worthy shoes I have with me are a pair of ballet flats with skulls on them. They’re not obvious, as they’re woven into the design. I also need access to the rest of my tools and supplies.

I currently have 240. I’ll need $631+ after tomorrow. They don’t take partial payments. I’m doing what I can to make money here and there through Taskrabbit, but I can get a task a week or nothing or four in a week. I do have this ongoing one, but the pay rate isn’t great.

Through my VR Coach, we’re getting some job leads, and I sent him a link for a library job that pays pretty decently. He’ll talk to them some more tomorrow. My hopeful goal is to be in my own place, or pretty damn close to getting into one, by my birthday, which is two months away. I hate being in flux like this.

I also need to start scrounging up the funds to submit my application for second citizenship in Switzerland. I have the family info laid out and verified. I’m on file with the consulate. I just need to come up with the funds and do a bit of brushing up on many things Swiss before going to SF for the interview (at the consulate). Starting next year, the process gets even more restrictive, so I’d like to get my application in before the end of the year. The fee is between $600 and $700.

Granted, I also need to get my US passport as well. I’ve never needed one.

Someone asked me recently what my dream job was. This is my response:

To travel around Switzerland staying in the different villages. What would I do there? Transcribe and digitize the parish records for births, marriages, and deaths of those in each village. So that people like me can access this information by a much easier-to-process request, as it would all be in a database. It took months and several nudges in a forum to find someone who could track down my paternal line. One woman finally found my great-grandfather, who was born and married twice there. His first wife likely died in childbirth. His second wife is my great-grandmother. My grandfather was born here in the US, but having his parents born there gives me a greater chance of obtaining federal citizenship (there are 3 levels of Swiss citizenship). She was able to trace back five more generations of the male line. 

I don’t know how to go about getting this job. Who would I be working for? The government or the Catholic Church, as it’s their records I would be working with. I don’t know. But it is one dream job. 

Until I do go there, I still have to survive here. Which means work. Which also means not losing treasured memories and items I’ve collected. Which means swallowing my pride yet again and asking for help.

Hopefully, I’ll also be able to go back and finish my degree starting in a few weeks. I have several hoops to jump through, but I only need one semester with no mayhem such as an eviction to mess me up. I want to get it done. Get my hands on that precious piece of paper I can hold up to all the naysayers and say, “SEE? I’M NOT STUPID! I BEAT THE ODDS!”

I have survived so much in my life. I refuse to be held back from achieving my master’s degree. One semester. Two electives and my capstone. Seven credits.

I just have a few hoops to jump through to get through it.

Reducing the stress of finances will help. Any help is appreciated. Even just sharing links.

~A

3/1: Need a Place to “Ponder Changes” #temporary #urgent

I need to be out by Midnight 3/2, tomorrow as of this writing. Below is a different take on me “I need crash space!” plea. The stuff between the two horizontal lines.

My therapist has bumped the gap between my appts from monthly to about every two weeks. Primarily because of the eviction thing, losing one of my cats, struggling with life in general. According to her and a few others who have apparently seen others in a similar situation, I’m handling it pretty well. I don’t feel like I am, but in a way, I guess I try to be more like Spock with most of it and then let the emotions loose on occasion.

I mentioned to her today that I’ve been using the term “crash space” and she suggested wording it differently. So, here’s my alternate version:

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My life has come to a crossroads in a rather sudden fashion. I have been uprooted from an apartment I thought I’d have at least another 6 months in, but that wasn’t meant to be. In a way, the forced letting go of this apartment I’ve called home for over 7 years is a way for the Universe to shake me up, pull the rug out from under my feet…

Push me in the direction I am meant to go.

I just wish I could see the path chosen. Much like the Void I mentioned yesterday, the path ahead of me is hidden. I’d like to say I know where I’m going and what I’ll be doing, but I can’t say that. What I can say is this: I am in need of a small amount of space where I can sort things out and focus on what I need to focus on: healing, finishing grad school, and finding work. It’s me, my goofy senior cat Portia, some of my clothes, a couple of cheapie laptops, and some of my food. All I need is a few weeks or so to recuperate from the recent stress, catch up on school work, and find a job. Then save up some of it (once I get work, I can pay you a meager sum, but really need to save up for getting into a new place of my own), and head back out into the world solo. Portia isn’t too keen on dogs. I love them, but she doesn’t. I can help cook and a few other things, but my back makes most cleaning a challenge (I try to plow through it as I can).

About me: non-tradition grad student working on a remote program with a school in Kansas in Library/Archives. I’m also a writer and photographer, as well as a number of other hobbies and passions. I volunteer at the Architectural Heritage Center processing the slides of the founders of the Center. I’ve been sick, partly due to the stress, so I’ve been away for a while. I’m fairly quiet, as is my cat.

About Portia: She does do her “zoomies” so she sounds like a buffalo racing around, but overall she isn’t a loud cat. She squeaks and is fluffy. She’s roughly 11 or 12. She’s adorable (and knows it), hates dogs, is addicted to Feline Greenies, is about 13 pounds, and is a dilute Tortie. She also loves being underfoot.

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I think that’s it. I’ll likely need help transporting myself, Portia and stuff I’m bringing with. I’ll try to limit my clothes to one rolling duffel, but I also have a container of other things… and then Portia’s carrier on the frame of an old pet stroller… and then food. I can try to get most of the stuff into the ‘granny cart’ … no guarantees, though.

~Amanda/Penguin

Less Than 5 hours #crowdfunding #eviction #urgent

Please share this post! Five hours remain as I type this. I -may- be  able to stretch the #rent #crowdfunding another couple of days, but I’d prefer to not beg. I also need to round up funds to save my stuff in storage from auction (before 1/19). If I had somewhere else to store it, I would, but there’s too much in there. Half my fabric is in there. Use PayPal as it’s the quickest.

I’m doing what I can, even still trying to sell off stuff, but no one is interested. Between being sick (with a nasty cold for weeks and then infections piling on top of the cold) and hunting for work and then having a mildly sick cat (nowhere near ready to ‘let go’)… I feel, as i do nearly every month, that I’m just pretty much done.

The breakdown:

• RENT: 750+5o+12=812 for rent (the 12 is water) All due TODAY unless I can push another couple of days. But still cutting it too close/.
• STORAGE: $600 and change for two months back rent, plus January and late fees. Before 1/19 auction.
• Other things:
  • Cat food (dry) switching back to Natural Balance, but Duck formula per the vet’s strong recommendation due to respiratory stuff with the cats. Around $25 for a 10lb bag
  • Tuition the financial aid didn’t cover. $660 or so. If I can put this off for a bit, Hopefully I can tackle it once I get work.
  • Medical bills from 2 1/2 years ago that got turned over to the state and I’m just NOW hearing about them from the state. I don’t even know what they’re for. Again, I’ll tackle this when possible.
  • Electric bill: they won’t shut it off while it’s cold, like right now, but it would be nice to throw something at them… as in money, not something else.

Rent and Storage are the most urgent. Cat food is also needed.

~Amanda

Dragon: Self-Pity Mode #crowdfunding and stuff

I know I try not to go down this road publicly too much, but here I am. I’m in full on self-pity mode and I just need to spill it.

#ImpostorSyndrome: I Has It

Impostor syndrome (also known as impostor phenomenon or fraud syndrome) is a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalize their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a “fraud.”

You have no fucking clue how much I feel this every day. I was the kid who should never have finished high school and here I am in grad school and I feel like Kermit the Frog’s arms whenever he does his panic thing flailing his arms about. Between dealing with health crap, unsuccessful job hunting, grad school, and general basic shit like doing the damn dishes…. I feel like a failure. Like “why am I even trying to do this? I do NOT belong here.”

Case in point: all the health things and other stressors have piled on to where me getting out of bed and being able to function is a damn miracle. Yes, I’m now on Celexa…. and maybe I SHOULD increase the dose like my GP wants me to…. I feel increasing it after barely a month on it is too soon. But that’s my own opinion. But the stress and depression and everything else is affecting my ability to finish my practicum. Each week drifts by and before I know it, it’s damn Friday and I should have gone in…. there’s that Impostor Syndrome…. If I can’t show up like I need to for my practicum, how am I to function elsewhere? My advisor needs paperwork in a week. I won’t have all my hours done in time… I know I’m past halfway, but to get 50-ish hours in less than one week is going to be nearly impossible. I’m stuck. I’m the only one to blame for this and yes, I am emotionally beating the ever-loving shit out of myself. I thought I’d have more time. I thought… I thought… I thought. But I also wasn’t thinking very well about it.

For me, time has felt like it has flown by and at the same time been slower than a tortoise in hibernation mode. No energy, nothing…. and no, caffeine doesn’t help.

#Empath Life, #VCD and Being In Public

I think I’ve said this before: I cannot block or put up a shield to save my sanity. I used to. So, me being in crowds, on public transit, major events, etc…. hell, even walking along the sidewalk, can be too much for me. I feel more, hear more… and can’t block it. On top of that, one of my latest health issues, VCD (Vocal Cord Dysfunction) can be triggered by strong smells such as smoke, perfume, cologne, body sprays, mold, bleach, etc…. I lose my voice, my asthma acts up, and I’m stuck out in public having coughing fits that make people look at me like I have the fucking PLAGUE. Which I don’t…. I’m not contagious.

I almost feel like I’m slipping into becoming Agoraphobic. Maybe it’s just my own exhaustion right now. The stress of trying to find income, the frustration of not getting interviews, etc… And then being anxious and the smells of awful perfumes and colognes.

And then a small incident recently that made me re-think whether I even want romance again…. which I will not discuss publicly.

#Crowdfunding

It’s been over a year.I hate asking, but I feel lost. I keep thinking (and saying some times) “this is the last time! I’m going to get work! I know I will!” and then I don’t. I do wonder at times how I’ve managed to not go completely over the deep end. How I’ve managed to not commit suicide. Believe me, the temptation is there. But I also don’t feel I’m done here yet. Maybe that’s why I do stay.

So yes, I do still need help. Storage is overdue and will go to auction, including most of my fabric and other supplies (I’ll need about 600 before the 15th I think). And rent (750 if before the 5th, then tack on $50 for a late fee).

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So, Dragon here needs help still… November was a tough month for me. Doctors and tests and class projects and OryCon and …. stress. November was the month my dad was born and the month he died.

The fog is slowly lifting, but not fast enough….

~Dragon

Survivor

(This was going to be just a share on my FB wall… but as I approach the end of my run in library school…. I felt compelled to expand upon what I was going to say there.)

This image I pulled from FB is why I’m not ashamed of my age (43). I shouldn’t fucking BE ALIVE right now, but I am.

• I’ve spent a good chunk of my adult life in fear of a certain person who abused me.That fear has held me hostage.
• I’ve been suicidal.
• I’ve been abused.
• I’ve been raped.
• I should’ve given up long ago.

I am not ashamed of my scars. Bring those fuckers on, man. I’ll share my stories. I’ll show my scars, both physical and emotional.

 

Why?

• Because if ONE person can learn from my stories and my scars, then I’ve made a fucking difference in this world.
• If one woman hears my words and realizes she’s in a bad relationship and can find the strength to walk away from the abuse, I’ve made a difference.
• If one teenager or adult hears me talk about my brushes with suicide and keeps waking up know that they are NOT alone… they CAN get through it… they CAN survive. Wake up the next day.
• If I can reach a kid who struggles in school and has all but given up on ever getting anywhere, even to graduate from high school… and they see me, knowing I almost didn’t finish high school, now getting my MASTER’S DEGREE… and this knowledge inspires them to keep trying. To find what clicks and helps them learn. Then I’ve made a difference.

Now, when I was 18 or so, I wanted to become a teacher. I wanted to show and inspire kids with low grades that they CAN make it. I got my AA, then my BA. Then I started teaching in an after-school center. By the time I left the first one in CA and moved to Syracuse and worked in another one, I had lit a small fire in the hearts and minds of several kids. Kids who struggled with school. One girl who was above her reading grade level and was in the writing program (at first, I was the only teacher at our center that had that training. Because of me, several others wanted to teach writing as well). She HATED writing assignments in school. My final day there, she was my last student. She came in with a flower arrangement and cried as she hugged me. She didn’t want me to leave. She said because of ME, she started enjoying writing. I did that! Then, in Syracuse, I connected with more students. Even if I didn’t have them at my table some evenings, they’d see me, come over and give me a hug before going to their table.

My goal at 18 was to help kids like me. By the time I was 30, I’d hit that goal many times over. To see them light up when they got the concept. To use laughter in helping them open up and learn.

Now, I want to preserve the things we in our society need to know about to learn even more. There’s so much out there to learn.

I have survived. I’ve been broken. I’ve been damaged. I’ve had times where I wasn’t sure I’d make it to the next day. But I did. Whenever I was broken, I took the time to heal. Even if it meant shutting many people out of my life. I have almost died. And some of those things, such as the cellulitis in 2008, did not make me stronger. Yes, I survived, but fuck…. I am not stronger for it. When one has faced 3rd stage cellulitis (there is no 4th stage, btw), they are never 100%. But I’m still here. The abuse, the rapes… my spirit was held down for so long… but I’m fighting back now. I’ll never be the bright-eyed bouncy person I was in my 20’s. She doesn’t exist anymore. I’ve seen too much. Lived too much. Felt too much pain. My pain, my damage, it will stay with me until I die. But it won’t stop me from living.

~Dragon

Zombie Dragon Still Needs to Pay #Rent #crowdfunding

It’s a slow day at Casa Dragon… The stress over the weekend (added onto all the months of it) has me exhausted to the point of wanting to shut off all communications. Sadly, I can’t do that. I need my computers to tackle the “incomplete” I’m getting for the Db class…. and to keep crowdfunding until rent is paid and my stuff for Sunday’s graduation is paid for. Someone, via a good friend of mine, suggested I rent my regalia. Now, my advisor has said I can simply borrow it…. here’s why I feel that option is not for me (the cliffnotes version):

I was denied the chance to walk the stage, and thus wear my cap and gown, in high school.

I struggled with even getting to the point of graduation. I wasn’t expected to finish high school. Then to be denied the ceremony.

When I walked the stage for my AA, the gowns were rentals.

Same for when my got my BA in English. Caps you kept (sanitary issues), but gowns were rentals.

Now I’m finishing my MLIS in Archives. I do have one more semester, but the ceremony is coming up. Not only a cap and gown, but the hood as well. This has been a rough program for me, primarily because I’ve had to deal with the loss of my father in the first semester, and then all the frustrations of finding better work and not getting it…. all on top of having to maintain good grades (B- and up) in all my classes. My financial stress hasn’t been easy at all. I’m burned out right now. Zombie Grad Student.

So, as I ask for this one last round of help with rent, etc…. know that I came from a point of “the kid who wasn’t meant to finish high school” to the woman getting her Master’s Degree.

~Dragon

ADD Dragon (want to do all the things like #crowdfunding)

So, as previously posted… I need to do lots of school things this weekend…. yet my ADD Brain is all over the place.

“Need to fix shit in iTunes!”

“Need to go set up table in bedroom so I can organize things in there!”

“Need to go get chocolate!”

“Need to put books back up on shelves!”

“Need to do the cucumber salad thing!!”

….

You get the idea. These are all things I can do NEXT week… after class stuff is done, but ADD Brain is getting in the way. The only thing that can’t really wait is the last one. Those cukes won’t stay fresh forever.

Plus staying on top of crowdfunding. I can’t let that slide for too long. They’ll only put up with my bullshit for so long…. rent needs to get paid ASAP.

But I need to focus on school stuff… and my ADD isn’t helping any. No, I’m not medicated. In many things in my life, I’ve managed to find ways to work WITH my ADD…. but this weekend? Nope.

Okay…. gonna try getting back on this stuff. I’ll check back in later…

~Dragon

Dragon Crash Landing (#crowdfunding and #life)

As I said in my last post, I’m pretty burned out right now. I have a lot of stuff to get through in the next two days on top of getting money for rent.

I kinda crashed and burned earlier, after my last post. See, I really shouldn’t have much caffeine, but some days I do. I know may college students at different stages of their education who rely heavily on caffeine. Due to my own body chemistry, I can’t drink much of it because it has the opposite effect on me. It tires me out… I don’t get the wired up feeling most others get. It can actually, if I drink it too much and too often, make my thyroid numbers go borderline hyperthyroid. Last time it was checked, I was back closer to the middle of the normal range. It also messes with other medical stuff. So it’s a treat.

Without caffeine, though, I still feel ‘bleh’ and groggy. It’s a no win situation. But somehow, I need to get through the next couple of days and finish as much school work as possible. All while keeping my head clear (again, problematic due to a number of factors) and still figuring out where the rest of my rent money will come from. There will be a late fee for rent… Another $50.

So, with sharing posts and any donations people can possibly do, I would ask for folks to light candles to help me clear whatever is in the way…. pray to whomever you may pray to. But prayer and candles aren’t enough. At the very least, please share my posts with your own circles of friends and acquaintances. I’m almost out of the woods. Just one more round….

~Dragon