Posted in activism, asexuality, bigotry, bugaboos, faith, LGBTQIA Pride, life, Personal, politics, sexuality, society

6/26: Building Bridges… #politics

Since the election in November here in the US and the Brexit vote in the UK, our society seems to have fallen into a free-for-all of hate and violence. I’ve posted on the vicious cycle in the past. Quite recently, in fact. Since that post, I’ve seen news of more vehicles being used to plow into crowds of Muslims during Ramadan. And then there’s 45 (I don’t use his name) breaking a long-standing tradition of the White House celebrating Eid. He also didn’t say a word on Pride Month, so at least his hate is consistent.

One thing I’ve noticed, at least here in the US, is that a large number of people killed or harmed in hate crimes are not “white Christian people” (for the record, if you haven’t figured it out, I’m a white somewhat-Christian female), but people of color as well as non-Christian religions and LGBTQIA. Vehicles plowing into crowds of Muslims outside their own mosques, LGBT being attacked and arrested for wanting to show their pride, black men and women being gunned down by citizens and police alike, etc… the list just keeps going.

This cycle is perpetuated by fear of the unknown. That fear becomes hate. Are there attacks by non-whites? Yes. But the ratio of white attackers to non-white attackers, at least in the US, leans toward more whites than non-whites. Here in Portland, hate crimes and discrimination are on the rise. And we’re a pretty damn liberal city. Our surrounding cities and counties are not so liberal, though, and we have a lovely mass transit system here. One I use all the time. If my queerness were more obvious, I might get some random jackass giving me shit. My mohawk isn’t quite enough. Remember, this is a very liberal city. And I’m not quite queer-looking enough to get harassed.

We fear what we don’t know or understand. This is fairly common human nature. The nature of our society. The thing is that we have access to more information at our fingertips than our not-so-distant relatives. If you don’t know something, look it up. Ask questions, talk to people. If you fear Muslims, go to the site for TED Talks (also, if you have Netflix, they have a fair number of them there as well) and look up the religious ones. If you want to understand POC or LGBTQIA, …. ASK! No harm in putting a question out there.

The only stupid question is the one that never gets asked.*

Ask. Listen. Learn. Seriously, learning isn’t just in a classroom. Each day, we have a chance to learn from our surroundings. Take advantage of that.

The more we know, the less we fear. Okay, except for spiders… that’s my weakness… I know plenty about them, but still don’t like them. But when it comes to humans, just learn. When we communicate and learn from each other, the barriers we build in our minds and our society will break down and we can work together.

That’s all for now… sorry I’ve been quiet.

~Amanda

(* – Although if you ask me, as an Asexual person, about amoebas or how we mate, that is one question you should keep to yourself. It gets old.)

Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, depression, dreams, eviction, grad school, homeless, job hunting, life, Personal, storage, student life

6/17: Falling Apart

I’m not totally sure what to do anymore. I have no back up, no resources. Remember: I’m homeless, jobless, and disabled. Trying to finish grad school has become an impossible feat. I owe nearly 5K to my school because I had to withdraw from my classes last term. I got a letter recently (I check my PO Box about once a week) saying if I don’t send something (and where is this money coming from?) before the 26th, it’ll go to collections.

So I’m at a loss. I’ve worked at this degree for nearly three years and the last two terms, due to depression and the eviction stress, I’ve tanked. Hard. I talked with my advisor and decided on just doing the one credit wrap-up capstone… but it’s one credit and financial aid only covers 5+ credits. I don’t have the funds to pay for one credit. I’m about ready to say, “sign me up for 5-6 credits for the fall term… fuck this, I’m going for the certificate.” Summer term has already started.

Maybe I’d get enough funds to pay off the school and a new term. Not sure.

So, here’s why I’m pissed off… they know I’m trying to finish the degree. There’s a damn good reason I’ve needed financial aid. I’ll try calling them next week and try to deal with this. Explain that with the debt, I can’t finish my degree… but I’m unemployed and fucking homeless so how the fuck am I going to come up with 5K??

I’ll call them next week and see what I can do. I don’t have the money. I’m trying to sell stuff out of storage so I can pay next month’s storage rent of a mere $280 (mere compared to 5K).

The letter from them states that enrollment will be frozen while I still have outstanding debts… I need a miracle of some sort. At the very least a small one to keep me from losing it while on the phone with them next week.

I’m frustrated. Partly with school, but mostly with myself and my life. I can’t fully put my finger on the WHY of the mess my life has become. I can’t blame it fully on either myself or “society.” Believe me, I wish I could figure it out. I wish I had that answer.

But it eludes me.

~Amanda

Posted in bugaboos, cats, chronic pain, depression, eviction, grad school, life, Personal, storage

6/12: Monday Ramblings

A few things on the plate tonight.

I’m hoping/planning on going to storage later this week. I don’t think I’ll make tomorrow, as I have two appointments and the second is closer to “home” … unless I have some surge of energy early in the morning and go over there before my first appointment downtown at 11.

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

I need to pull a couple of things and brainstorm something from what I already own to lift Portia’s food bowl up. She’s doing something she never did when it was elevated back at the apartment. She does this half cough/half hairball hack. What I think is happening is that she needs the bowl elevated again so that the food is staying where it needs to. This is why it’s strongly suggested to elevate bowls off the floor/ground. The problem is that the item I was using back at the apartment was a few old shelves from long-dismantled IKEA bookcases. Both food bowls, the water bowl, and the container of kibble were all on there. I can’t bring anything like that into the house. That’s been well established. I think they’ve mostly been tossed into recycling anyway during the move-out.

So, I need to jury-rig something smaller. Using only what I have in storage.

This will be fun.

I have mentioned I grew up watching the original MacGyver as a teen, right?


I had Physical Therapy today. Because of the new order for my back, we did an evaluation on that. Here’s where things get bothersome:

Medicaid/OHP+ only covers 8 visits to therapy type things like speech therapy, PT, etc per 12 months or something like that.

I had 4 approved visits for speech therapy due to my vocal cord dysfunction.

Then 4 approved visits for my knee, one of which we used today for the eval for my back.

I have one visit left for my knee. I need to get them to somehow approve/jump through flaming hurdles visits for my back.

Ahh, bureaucracy and red tape at its finest.

My knee is doing better… my back? Not so much. It’s getting rather inventive with new curse words. I’m not sure what language it’s using…. not sure I want to know either.


I have a lot of things swirling around in my head about some of the bigger things in my life. I’m frustrated that I can’t seem to keep my shit together long enough to finish grad school. Frustrated I can’t get very far with job hunting. Frustrated that I crave the peace of my own place but can’t see when that place will happen for me.

I’ll figure it out at some point… just wish it wasn’t so damn frustrating.

~Amanda

Posted in Personal, music, bugaboos, depression, eviction, community, homeless, friends, anxiety, silliness

6/11: Sunday Evening Rambling

This may end up one subject or multiple subjects… depending on my train of thought. As I’ve said in the past, I rarely edit blog posts…


I’m a solitary person. I’ve had roommates, etc. Some okay, some… well… I won’t air dirty laundry such as that on here. Just be safe in the knowledge that I’ve had a few “roommates from hell” in my life.

While I’m eternally grateful to those who have helped me and those who’ve taken me in during this period in my life, I am the kind of person who is not inherently social. I need to shut the door and shut out a lot of negative stuff… even if people don’t think it’s negative… the core emotion/vibe under anything exciting, happy, nervous, etc is tense and anxiety attack producing for me.

I have no interest in living with others on a long-term basis. I need my own place where I control my environment. My kitchen, my bathroom, my living space, my rules.

I just need a good job to get me there. The sooner the better.


Music of most genres have helped me survive so much in my life. This is why I’m sharing my little playlist on YT. There are other things on that playlist, such as Robin Williams and clips from movies and shows, but the hint of variety there may give you an idea of me and what speaks to my soul as a music lover and musician.

My ever changing YouTube playlist 

I want to write more on this, but I can’t seem to find the words right now.


I think that’s all I can do right now… more later…

Posted in bugaboos, chronic pain, depression, life, Personal

6/9: pain day

I’ve spent much of the day trying to either ignore the pain or waiting for meds to kick in (which they now have). My TMJ pain and the accompanying headache and tooth pain (nearly every tooth on the right side) has had me covering my eyes a chunk of the day due to heightened light sensitivity. 

So I’m laying low. Other things hurt as well, but the highest level right now is the one mentioned. 

Hopefully I can get back to lower levels soon. It’s hard to function like this.

My blogging should return to “normal” soon. 

~Amanda 

Posted in activism, asexuality, bigotry, bugaboos, community, LGBTQIA Pride, life, Personal, sexual assault, sexuality, society

6/6: Not Broken #asexuality #pride

Being asexual tends to either get rude/lewd comments or dismissive remarks.

I’ve heard the “amoeba” crack so many times, it’s permanently etched in the back of my brain. Yet every person who says it thinks they’re being all cute and funny.

You’re not. Please… just stop.

I get the “maybe you need to try dating women. You might be a lesbian after all.”

I am more aesthetically attracted to men than women… by a LONG shot. Can I appreciate the female form? Yeah, but I’m not attracted to them.

“You just haven’t found the right guy yet”
“Maybe it’s a libido/hormone thing.”

I could go on…

For the record, asexuality is NOT a physical/hormonal/libido thing. It’s how our brains are wired, not the hormones. Some of us have active libidos. Some don’t. Some are occasionally active. Doesn’t mean we act on those urges with others. (There are great food analogies elsewhere)

What IS a physical thing is what’s called “sex aversion.” And anyone, of any sexuality, can go through phases of being sex-averse. I am also sex-averse due to the repeated sexual assault from years ago. Some are virgins (they tend to think of the act of sex to be icky, for lack of a better word), some are survivors like me, as well as other reasons.

I’m on this topic as June is Pride Month. Some in the LGBTQIA community don’t see Aces as being part of the community. I’ve heard the “well, this is about sex and they don’t have any, so they don’t count.”

WRONG!! All sexualities are about the different types of sexual ATTRACTION. Not the act of sex. And yes, we count. A lack of sexual attraction is still a misunderstood sexuality. But major researchers of sexuality have recognized asexuality for decades. Yes, we’re different. We get some discrimination as well. Not as much obvious treatment, but it is there. Some others I know have been subjected to “corrective rape” which is such a back-asswards thing to do… we don’t need to be fixed.

No repairs are necessary.

We aren’t broken.

~Amanda

Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, chronic pain, creativity, dragon, life, Personal, silliness

5/26: Dragon is frustrated 

I swore I’d be back up and flying in no time, yet my rear landing gear* is still not working as it should. I have bravely fought (and mostly won) a battle against a breach of my current lair by ants. Cayenne is one method of safely breathing fire indoors.

I hope to be back at full speed (even 3/4 would be nice) shortly.

Oh, and I need more cayenne.
* hips/legs 

Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, creativity, empath life, faith, life, Personal

5/19: The Power of Words

Dragon in a funk… I think the stress and anxiety over the last minute saving of my stuff in storage took its toll on me. I was okay, actually, until a seemingly minor incident last night that dragged my happy/relieved mood down into the abyss. I won’t go into details publicly. Just… stuff. What I will say in reaction is something that I’ll try to keep neutral:

Words, all words, have power. “The pen is mightier than the sword” right? Some people forget this. Others are well aware and still use words to hurt people. I recently saw some link on FB questioning the term “Toxic People.” It was something to the effect of “people aren’t toxic…” Umm, you’ve never met some people in my life, have you? Likely due to being an Empath, I am like pollen to a bee… And trust me, I don’t end up transforming into honey. A basket case, maybe. But not honey. 

Look, I know people who expect everyone around them to fit neatly into their world view. If you don’t, you get side comments said loud enough to hear, even if they assume you aren’t listening. Sometimes it’s more direct. I have a couple people (at least) in my life who either may not realize some of their words are hurtful or demeaning, or don’t think what they’re saying is wrong. Then there are those people who know damn well they’re negative and hurtful. I have/had all of these types in my life… again, no specifics here. 

The hard part is restraining myself. I get pushed and pushed, whether by one person or several around the same time. If I’m already stressed from all the other shit in my life (ya know, for an introvert, being homeless and staying with other humans is NOT easy), getting verbally “attacked” piles on more stress. I hate confrontation. Always have, likely always will. I’ve had moments when I’ve done well in those situations (had to fire someone in a store I was Assistant Manager… oh, that was ugly), but most of the time, I usually end up retreating and “shutting down.” I get pushed and pushed so many times until it all caves in and I snap. Some of my friends have seen/heard me snap. It ain’t pretty. And it isn’t them (usually)… it’s me and all the shit piling up and my own insecurities and doubts and panic. Sometimes it is them. I try to breathe, raise a middle finger in their general direction once they’re out of sight, and grumble for a while.


Now that that’s mostly out of my system… Words can be used for many things. As a writer of poetry, science fiction, and fantasy, I can create worlds, the people living in them. But words in every day life can also do so much. A simple compliment can lift a person’s spirits. A demeaning turn of phrase, or even just one word, can turn someone’s life upside down. Or right side up.

Right now, I’m exhausted from the stress of almost losing everything. Then some words were said that hurt. My ability to bounce back from them right now is hindered by all the other stressors. I will bounce back. I will deal with it. And hopefully I won’t snap in the meantime.

And hopefully my ramblings here made some sense. My TMJ pain hit earlier this evening, so strong pain meds it is… and I get a bit loopy for a bit once they take effect. I’m off for the night. Play nice kids!

~Amanda

Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, cats, chronic pain, crowdfunding, dragon, homeless, life, Personal, storage

5/15: Random Dragoning and #crowdfunding

#crowdfunding I’m getting down to the wire here. If anyone has a miracle to spare, feel free. But do keep spreading the word and sharing as many times as you think you can handle.  Trying not to panic, but it’s hard to maintain composure. I don’t know what I can say or do to convince those who come to my blog to donate either via PayPal or YouCaring. I see click-throughs, but no donations. At least nothing from the 7 click-throughs today alone.

Yes, I swear. Yes, I have my super-grumpy moments. If you were in my shoes, you probably would be as well.


Oh, Mondays. I really shouldn’t schedule things on Mondays… especially late in the day. I develop a deep hatred for human beings on mass transit when I’m being crowded out and pushed around… and people can clearly see my cane. I won’t go off in another rant about it. But I witnessed so much disrespect for others today, it was extremely frustrating.


I have a snoring cat next to me. She keeps me grounded and reasonably sane. Just not sure how sane I’ll be if I lose everything I own in auction.


I had a good physical therapy session today. Changed up the exercises, worked on the machines… I won’t get very many sessions, though.

I’m worn out, at least right now. Constantly staying on top of all of this and dealing with the stress of it is wearing me out. Then add all the other things…

I’ll have another poem up tonight… I’ll try not to make it too dreary this time. 🙂

~Amanda

Posted in adoption, animal advocacy, anxiety, bugaboos, cats, crowdfunding, dragon, emergency, family, homeless, life, music, Personal, silliness, storage, urgent

5/14: This time I’ll remember a title (#crowdfunding)

SHHAAAAARREE MEEEE! Pwease?

So I must have been more tired than I thought when I wrote up last night’s blog post. I didn’t realize until this morning when I checked the stats that I’d forgotten to put anything beyond the date (sometimes I put that after I write). Whoops.

The usual stuff: need help saving storage and all my stuff, etc… yes I’m quickly running out of time here. Thursday is the auction and I need to prove I’ll have funds by the time they close the office at 6pm PST Wednesday. Yeah… only a few more days. 

On to other things… there’s the big elelephant in the room. Mother’s Day. My mom passed away from end stage Alzheimer’s (total organ failure, etc) in 2013. But with her disease, this day hasn’t felt like anything special for a lot longer. Before that, it was ‘meh’ as we constantly fought. The two strongest willed people in the family… yeah, fireworks happened… a lot. I never got that mother-adult daughter relationship. It was stolen from me by a disease that hits the caretakers the hardest. She went to her death never seeing me as a strong adult who can do awesome things. She forever saw the four year old teaching herself to play the melody of the Star Spangled Banner on the piano without knowing how to read music, and yet, once learned, my mother actively discouraged me playing it.

I also have a friend or two who don’t think women like me with pets instead of human children should celebrate it as a ‘mom.’ Even being hostile about it and saying they’ll unfriend anyone who wishes a Happy Mother’s Day to women who only have pets.

[Oh shit… Dragon wants a word…]

Look here, hun, just because I chose to not fertilize my damn eggs and put more dragons out there to devour stupid humans does NOT mean I’m not a mom. I pick up more cat shit from one cat alone in her entire life than you do changing diapers. Don’t even start with me. I step on toys, clean up errant cat poop, take her to the vet, feed her the best damn food I can get for her and her specific needs and issues, make sure she’s healthy and happy and clean and know what that furball gives me in return?

Unconditional LOVE. Laughter at her antics. Purr therapy when I’m stressed out. 

I don’t need to bring more like me into this overcrowded world. It’s fucked up enough without more from my gene pool. So, you go do you, be a parent to human children all you damn well please. Just know that I’m over here saving animals and I don’t have to buy them clothes every six months and worry about how I’m gonna pay for their college. I may adopt a human child one day… when I’m damn well ready to do so.

You do you, and leave us pet lovers alone. 

[shoves Dragon off the chair]

“GO BACK TO YOUR CAVE, DRAGON!”

Sorry about that. She can be a handful at times. Anyway….

Sooo… I’m taking things one nerve-wracking day at a time. Job hunting, etc. Never easy, but that’s life.

Nightly poem to be uploaded later….

~Amanda/Dragon