What is Motivation?

My client/boss asked me today

In my late teens/twenties, I had a goal. Maybe you could call it a motivation. Because my education got all kinds of fucked up, and then senior year I was able to connect a few dots. That’s a longer story.

At that point, I decided that I would do whatever I could to encourage other kids that if I could do it despite the lack of encouragement around me. I did that. My mid 30’s I realized I had accomplished that goal several times over. Then I decided I’d live my life for myself. I had poured out everything nurturing to boost those kids self esteem.

Then I was okay, still struggling with motivation and C-PTSD. As well as depression, GAD, and being undiagnosed Autistic (that will be changing come Wednesday).

I achieved my goal. I didn’t really find a new one. And now, at 50, I’m just floating on the water. I’ve worked toward my MLIS, but I’m stuck having to pay for my last fuckup. Then I have one semester left to finish it. But for now, I’m going to apply to SNHU (rolling admission) for a MFA in writing.

I was on track to get stuff going and then last weekend happened and my survival mode dial got turned all the way to 10. I’m coming back down from that level. I got past the dramatics of the situation and now I can get back down to a more manageable level.

But I still lack motivation.

Dear Dad, pt 1

It’s been seven and a half years since you shuffled off this mortal coil. I still miss you. I’ll always miss you.

I’ve been back in therapy for almost two years now. Facing some of the old stuff that keeps spilling into my current life.

I still tell our stories about the different incidents with mom’s Alzheimer’s, and how I’d try to make you at least smile, if not laugh a bit.

The past seven years have been tough. I’ve been homeless. I’ve struggled with so much stuff. And every time a new ugly thing hits me, all I want to do is call you. Talk to you and get your input, although many times, you instinctively chose to not speak much, letting me talk it out myself. Of course, I gave you the credit for helping me those times.

Whenever I do get a task with a furniture client, I get asked how I know this stuff. How to know what’s needed to fix it. You know what I tell them? That I was your helper as a kid. We had that fixer-upper house and how I would climb under the house with you, despite my fear of spiders. How I would insist on going to the old Ace Hardware store with you. That place was magical. Not sure if you saw it that way, but I did. The creaky floors and all the gadgets to look at. I learned so much from you.

I’m having a rough time right now. My whole world is in upheaval. My job is ending early. My apartment management is being a bunch of jerks. See, my disabilities have gotten worse. And while I may not have inherited much physical stuff from mom, I did inherit her hoarding tendency. I’m not too bad with it, but with it and my health, cleaning is challenging. And then we’ve had two floods from sprinklers on my floor of the building. They just got almost all the work done from the first one and a week ago, someone else’s sprinklers malfunctioned and flooded some of our units.

So I started a GoFundMe to start raising funds for the deposit on a tiny house on wheels. So, if you could, please whisper in the ears of a whole bunch of folks that I need a little help to make the next step in my life. You would get a kick out of some of the designs and layouts.

That’s all for now. I’m gonna try to make these a regular thing. I miss you, dad.

Love, Me

12/28: #weightloss backstory

Weight Loss: In my adult life, I’ve struggled with my weight. I was a skinny kid and after I stopped dancing at 22, and then shifted away from regular exercise by 24, the weight piled on. I’m at my heaviest: 185lbs.

Now, I *could* live with the weight if it weren’t for my family history. I physically take after my dad’s side to an almost bizarre degree. Same bone structure, personality characteristics, etc… all (almost completely) from my dad’s side. This includes health. Dad and both of his brothers are/were heart patients (one uncle still living). My paternal grandmother had diabetes. Not sure what Grandpa had, but I suspect heart issues as well. I’m already on Toprol for tachycardia (it works for me, but I have to pair Celexa for my anxiety with it). I imagine my tachycardia might calm down a bit with dropping some of my weight. Also, the longer I go at a heavier weight, the higher my risk of worse heart issues AND diabetes.

So, here I am at 46. 5’2″ and 185lbs. While the timing is RATHER cliche (New year’s resolution stuff and all, which I’ve never really bothered with), I want to start now. Somehow, I will find the funds to join the local gym. They keep changing their specials, but I’m going to wait until the activation fee is back to $0.

This isn’t just for weight loss. My back has been getting progressively worse since the fall 7 years ago. And then another one year ago. All the docs can do is give me pain meds (and most don’t really do much of anything) and tell me to exercise. “Free” exercise is usually what they suggest. This means walking. The problem for me is that, most days, walking more than two or three blocks results in excruciating pain.

The gym two blocks from me not only has weights and a basketball court (yeah, not touching that), and classes, but has a lap pool and a hot tub. This I’m totally down for. My swimming skills are rusty, but I can do the backstroke the best. I have a hard time torquing my body enough to do most others so I can get breath. Backstroke it is.

Then machines. Work my way back up to leg presses equaling my weight (yes, at 120, I could do leg presses above my weight). Goals are to strengthen my back, core, and legs. This will help with reinjuries and stabilizing my back. It will also help with my weight.

I’ll announce when I join the gym. I’ll post pics. I’ll make my journey public. My inspiration today was this guy. I’ve followed him on Twitter. While my goal is roughly 55lbs (185 to 130), seeing someone kick ass like he has makes me know I can totally do this.

~A

1/20/18: March For Me

March for me.
I survived.
But still I live
In fear of
Repercussions.

March for me.
I am disabled
And cannot walk far.

March for me.
I am anxious in crowds.
And my voice wavers.

March for me.
I have C-PTSD.
I cannot stand being
Touched by men.

March for me.
For walking is too much
For me to handle.

March for me.
For I cannot
March
For myself.

~A

8/20: community #crowdfunding

It’s frustrating to see people talk of building community and espouse Liberal values (I am Liberal myself, in case you didn’t know)… or even what should be Christian values of community and lifting up those who need it… 

And yet, when someone swallows their pride and asks (and yes, I’m aware that this is not a 1st time for me… but I’m trying to get work and it feels like I’m facing headwinds) for help, it falls mostly on “deaf ears” … 

I do what I can to help others, but sometimes my limitations hold me back. I don’t own a vehicle, so I can’t help most friends move… and my injuries prevent me from a lot of other things. 

I keep thinking (and hoping) that each round of shit I face is the last round… 

I need to get storage paid ASAP. I simply ask for folks to share. Spread the word. That’s free. If you can donate, great! Sharing is still helpful.

~A

5/16: Updates and Stuff (like #crowdfunding)

Here I am with two days left. A little less, really. I’m sucking it up and posting in a couple of my FB groups I run (I think it’s tacky to use groups for other things as a place to beg for help, but my groups, my rules), and friends and FoF’s are sharing as well. Also an unlikely person will be stepping up to help however they’ll be able to. Trust me, that blindsided me. But I’ll take what I can get.

I have to get at least close to the 1500-1600 goal on YC to prove I have it and can get the unit pulled from the auction before they close the office tomorrow at 6pm PST. Cutting it really close… and I’m stressed out. I’m trying to remain calm, but that isn’t easy in this situation.

As I stated on today’s YC update, I will be reactivating my Taskrabbit Tasker account. I let it lapse during the eviction because, well, my mind was on other things. You have to submit at least one invoice/job every 60 days to stay active. Business was picking up a bit but not enough to pay rent and all. If I can get back into the swing of it and get a few tasks a month that give me something decent, I can at least get close to or make storage rent. Hopefully. I have to do the orientation thing again… and they only do those once or twice a month.

The nice thing being a Tasker is that as a woman doing furniture assembly, I get a lot of female or older clients. They feel safer having a woman coming into their home to do stuff than a strange man. I’ve had several clients tell me how much they appreciate the fact I offer this service. It’ll hurt what with my knees and all, but it will also get me moving and more active. And I’ll still have time to job hunt and go to Voc Rehab, etc. I don’t get THAT many tasks… I had a couple of weeks where I had two or three each week, all small ones, but still… I don’t make a lot of money. But it would be nice to get back into it. At least until I get a FT job.

Some of the stuff I did in PT yesterday brought back memories of when I switched from dance to weightlifting. Nothing major, but strengthening muscles helped my balance (which has always been awful). I used to do leg presses at almost my body weight at the time. I was around 140 and could press about 120-130lbs. About 60-80 for curls and extensions. Arms were always my weak spot. But I get two PT sessions left, and I think I want to find somewhere I can afford to go in and keep going on the machines. She explained to my that if my quads are stronger (which they aren’t right now) then my knees won’t have as many issues. Eventually. I have some standing exercises to do that hurt almost as much as the machines right now. Today I’ve mostly been off my feet because both of my knees were swearing at me for yesterday.

Well, I have a cat who wants my undivided attention… so offline I go. For a bit. I’ll keep checking in. I made a video earlier, but trying to upload from the phone is taking for-e-ver. It would be nice to have them up there tonight, but I don’t know if that will happen.

~Amanda

5/16: running out of #crowdfunding time.

Share me! Help me make a miracle happen!

Quick begging- er- #crowdfunding post. My PT from yesterday has me down for the moment. Voc Rehab had to cancel as she is apparently out of the office… at least this time I checked my phone before leaving. *sigh*

What can I say to prove this is real? 

Here’s some of it, before the space you see got packed with furniture and more boxes. This really is virtually my whole life about to be auctioned away. My costumes and a few Steampunk projects, among so much more… 

I’m not sure where else to turn. Two days to pull off a miracle.

~Amanda