Posted in anxiety, depression, dragon, family, friends, grad school, job hunting, life, Personal, PTSD

6/26: Angry, tired Dragon

(I’m mostly venting… so if you don’t want to read my venting, it’s okay. I started this on FB, but it was getting long. )

At this point, at least for right now, if there’s something political that harms a large percentage of people in some way… then I’m likely mad about it. I can’t fucking keep up. The Supreme Court is failing us, the “president” is one of the biggest fuckups we have done to ourselves as a nation, congress has too many blind greedy assholes, and hate crimes abound because the perpetrators figure with 45 in office, they can get away with pretty much anything. So yeah.
But I’m done right at this exact moment. I can’t put energy into fighting this cesspool our society is turning into right now. I have too much of my own shit to deal with.
It’s fucking tempting to start a GFM or something for getting the fuck out of Dodge for a few years… raise funds to get my passport, plane ticket and such for Portia and I, and leave. Right now, that’s where my head is. Finishing my degree is on hold until I can come up with the funds to pay off the school. So that’s fucked.
Other than having many good friends here, I don’t have anything tying me to PDX. the US in general, my brother is still cool… there’s extended family… but I never see any of them anymore because I live at least 600 miles away from them and have been too fucking broke to visit. They’re all busy with their own younger branches of their families. Our branch? None of us have married and unless we adopt, no kids. 
So where is all of this coming from, you may wonder. Especially since I posted earlier about the very thing I’m trying to get away from: posting on politics and striving for peace.
Well, I have a few books next to my bed. A couple of overdue library books, a textbook from the class I fucked up on, and Howard Zinn’s Voices of a People’s History. I was going to refer to one piece in there for the papers I didn’t finish for the class I didn’t finish… yeah. So my head is in this weird place all of a sudden.
I want to finish, but I don’t have the 4500+ to pay off the school. I know I got myself into this mess. Spring term fell apart due to the eviction stress filling up my headspace.
I can’t put my finger on why I can’t seem to get myself together. Exhaustion and PTSD screwed me up last Fall term. Then I had a chance to redeem myself on the class from that term that I took an incomplete on… and then the eviction took over Spring term.
I started grad school totally on track, getting good grades, etc… and then over the past year, I’ve been slowly unraveling. Stress, no job, frustration with things in general, have all played a role in my downward spiral with school. I’m super close to finishing, but the money thing from withdrawing in Spring has messed things up. By the time I came up for air after the eviction, the term was nearly over. The whole thing is a jumbled blur.
***
Well, I have a bit of a nutty week ahead. Tomorrow will be a very long day, then a couple of things Wednesday, possibly something Thursday and then GearCon all weekend. I’m on staff… A week from now I’ll likely be so dead-tired I won’t be able to function for a day or two. We’ll see how things go.
I’m working on rounding up as much as possible of the $280 needed for storage. I have a little under half right now… but two more TR gigs this week will help… and still trying to sell off a pair of speakers and the two bookcases. I may need a little help, as my tasks didn’t really start getting going until mid-June. We’ll see how things are after Wednesday.
Let the wild week begin!
~Dragon
Posted in cats, depression, dragon, grief, Personal

6/21: Dragon’s Cat

Portia is pushing 12 years now. I’m using her “gotcha day” as her birthday, since I adopted her at roughly 5 years of age (they said 4-5, but I have no clue so I’m going with 5) on October 30th, 2010. Which means she’ll be 12 this year. I chose her partly for wanting a dilute tortie, but also her personality was more social than JoJo ever would be (she was very much a one-human cat and was scared of other humans).

2017-06-20 16.35.12
I mention further down that she likely has Maine Coon in her. I say this because of her mane and then the short fur, and then the varied fur on the rest of her.

She’s always been a bit goofy… not the brightest feline on the planet, but gorgeous, floofy, silly, and friendly. Not the “in your face” friendly, but enough of an attention-hog that she will take it from damn near anyone.

2016-05-08 18.21.12
Hey YOU! You there!

Then she gets her “zoomies” or Elevenses, or whatever you might call them. Usually after a meal. Well, today, she’s full up and knocking things over. Almost broke her food dish in a failed attempt to make a u-turn from the bathroom to the hot tub cover where her food and water are (and the turboscratcher, which is getting a lot of use today). Failed only because the piece of carpet she dug her claws into to gain traction and jump wasn’t exactly attached to the flood (it’s a scrap and the floor is tile). Same piece of carpet nearly got flipped earlier this morning during another round.

2014-08-02 18.34.54
Her Turboscratcher. She LOVES this thing. 

She also has her lovey moments. Especially ever since JoJo died in February, she’s been my sleeping buddy. She was before, but not as clingy. Now a night (or the next morning) doesn’t go by without her taking a nap on top of me. Usually my chest, but if I’m on my side, she’s discovered she can perch from my shoulder to my hip (yes, she’s a sizable cat).

2013-08-28 19.56.30
On my chest. To be fair, this was in the apartment and I was sitting, but still. She has to be touching me or near me (with me in her sight line). 

She has a face that can melt hearts, eyes that change colors, a squeak that informs me of her mischief, an innocence that belies her years, and a heart of gold that has eased the blow of losing her older (adopted) sister. She likely has some Maine Coon in her, from the way her fur is. She’s roughly 14 pounds… which makes things interesting when she wants to sprawl all over me and my bladder is a bit full. She hates being groomed and will give me many -MANY- warning bites.

2016-04-15 19.39.38
Her mat trimming haircut from April 2016. In order to get to the mats, I had to trim rather haphazardly. It looks like a 3 year old found the scissors, but ultimately, I think she liked having less fur during the summer as it grew back. This took me over a month to get all the mats. Yes, go ahead and laugh. I’m still giggling over it over a year later.

But I wouldn’t have it any other way. She will need a companion in the form of another cat once I get work again. We’ll see who chooses me when that time comes. A black cat? A Siamese? A Tuxie? Who will be that new friend for Portia? We’ll have to wait to get into our own place again before that happens.

~Dragon

Posted in anxiety, community, depression, dragon, grad school, job hunting, Personal

6/20: Dragon Job Hunt Frustration

It isn’t easy finding work as a dragon. They expect you to breathe fire to a certain number of feet, and you must fly with absolute precision…

But all joking aside… it’s frustrating. I’ve revamped the resume, tried everything, and I still get rejected without even so much as an interview. As much as I know social media work and web design, I am wondering if this really isn’t where I should be focusing. I am going to a networking thing Thursday, and will finally meet my “mentor” person at VR (Voc Rehab, for us working types who are disabled and unemployed) next week. If that doesn’t get cancelled again. *sigh*

I’m not sure, but I think that mentor person is actually not for SM, but for research. My counselor said she could probably find a person in that field than in Social Media. Which I find interesting as I can find jobs galore for SM, but barely anything for research. Most of what I do find is medical.

And then there’s my grad school field. Do you realize that PDX has Librarians and Archives Specialists popping out of the woodwork and not enough jobs for all of them? Yeah. And don’t get me started on Multnomah County. I’ve said it in the past: Fort Knox was likely easier to break into than getting a library job in MC.

Right now, I want something that pays decently, where I can afford a studio apartment of my own and save up for stuff, pay off debts, etc. On top of student loans, I owe $4500 (I thought it was higher) to my school for withdrawing from Spring term. Then about $3000 to the former landlord… I can’t enroll to finish school until the debt to my school is paid. So, I’m basically screwed on that end.

I’m not sure where to set myself down in society. I’m not one for blending in (I want to turn my mohawk back to purple SOOOOO badly right now, it hurts). I can’t answer phones thanks to my voice/vocal cords being a bit wonky… I just want to research stuff, work on the computer doing things… could be web things, social media things, research things… have my little corner of a workspace where I can do something I enjoy in peace. For a decent paycheck.

So I’m a bit grumpy… and unsure.

~Dragon

Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, depression, dreams, eviction, grad school, homeless, job hunting, life, Personal, storage, student life

6/17: Falling Apart

I’m not totally sure what to do anymore. I have no back up, no resources. Remember: I’m homeless, jobless, and disabled. Trying to finish grad school has become an impossible feat. I owe nearly 5K to my school because I had to withdraw from my classes last term. I got a letter recently (I check my PO Box about once a week) saying if I don’t send something (and where is this money coming from?) before the 26th, it’ll go to collections.

So I’m at a loss. I’ve worked at this degree for nearly three years and the last two terms, due to depression and the eviction stress, I’ve tanked. Hard. I talked with my advisor and decided on just doing the one credit wrap-up capstone… but it’s one credit and financial aid only covers 5+ credits. I don’t have the funds to pay for one credit. I’m about ready to say, “sign me up for 5-6 credits for the fall term… fuck this, I’m going for the certificate.” Summer term has already started.

Maybe I’d get enough funds to pay off the school and a new term. Not sure.

So, here’s why I’m pissed off… they know I’m trying to finish the degree. There’s a damn good reason I’ve needed financial aid. I’ll try calling them next week and try to deal with this. Explain that with the debt, I can’t finish my degree… but I’m unemployed and fucking homeless so how the fuck am I going to come up with 5K??

I’ll call them next week and see what I can do. I don’t have the money. I’m trying to sell stuff out of storage so I can pay next month’s storage rent of a mere $280 (mere compared to 5K).

The letter from them states that enrollment will be frozen while I still have outstanding debts… I need a miracle of some sort. At the very least a small one to keep me from losing it while on the phone with them next week.

I’m frustrated. Partly with school, but mostly with myself and my life. I can’t fully put my finger on the WHY of the mess my life has become. I can’t blame it fully on either myself or “society.” Believe me, I wish I could figure it out. I wish I had that answer.

But it eludes me.

~Amanda

Posted in bugaboos, cats, chronic pain, depression, eviction, grad school, life, Personal, storage

6/12: Monday Ramblings

A few things on the plate tonight.

I’m hoping/planning on going to storage later this week. I don’t think I’ll make tomorrow, as I have two appointments and the second is closer to “home” … unless I have some surge of energy early in the morning and go over there before my first appointment downtown at 11.

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

I need to pull a couple of things and brainstorm something from what I already own to lift Portia’s food bowl up. She’s doing something she never did when it was elevated back at the apartment. She does this half cough/half hairball hack. What I think is happening is that she needs the bowl elevated again so that the food is staying where it needs to. This is why it’s strongly suggested to elevate bowls off the floor/ground. The problem is that the item I was using back at the apartment was a few old shelves from long-dismantled IKEA bookcases. Both food bowls, the water bowl, and the container of kibble were all on there. I can’t bring anything like that into the house. That’s been well established. I think they’ve mostly been tossed into recycling anyway during the move-out.

So, I need to jury-rig something smaller. Using only what I have in storage.

This will be fun.

I have mentioned I grew up watching the original MacGyver as a teen, right?


I had Physical Therapy today. Because of the new order for my back, we did an evaluation on that. Here’s where things get bothersome:

Medicaid/OHP+ only covers 8 visits to therapy type things like speech therapy, PT, etc per 12 months or something like that.

I had 4 approved visits for speech therapy due to my vocal cord dysfunction.

Then 4 approved visits for my knee, one of which we used today for the eval for my back.

I have one visit left for my knee. I need to get them to somehow approve/jump through flaming hurdles visits for my back.

Ahh, bureaucracy and red tape at its finest.

My knee is doing better… my back? Not so much. It’s getting rather inventive with new curse words. I’m not sure what language it’s using…. not sure I want to know either.


I have a lot of things swirling around in my head about some of the bigger things in my life. I’m frustrated that I can’t seem to keep my shit together long enough to finish grad school. Frustrated I can’t get very far with job hunting. Frustrated that I crave the peace of my own place but can’t see when that place will happen for me.

I’ll figure it out at some point… just wish it wasn’t so damn frustrating.

~Amanda

Posted in Personal, music, bugaboos, depression, eviction, community, homeless, friends, anxiety, silliness

6/11: Sunday Evening Rambling

This may end up one subject or multiple subjects… depending on my train of thought. As I’ve said in the past, I rarely edit blog posts…


I’m a solitary person. I’ve had roommates, etc. Some okay, some… well… I won’t air dirty laundry such as that on here. Just be safe in the knowledge that I’ve had a few “roommates from hell” in my life.

While I’m eternally grateful to those who have helped me and those who’ve taken me in during this period in my life, I am the kind of person who is not inherently social. I need to shut the door and shut out a lot of negative stuff… even if people don’t think it’s negative… the core emotion/vibe under anything exciting, happy, nervous, etc is tense and anxiety attack producing for me.

I have no interest in living with others on a long-term basis. I need my own place where I control my environment. My kitchen, my bathroom, my living space, my rules.

I just need a good job to get me there. The sooner the better.


Music of most genres have helped me survive so much in my life. This is why I’m sharing my little playlist on YT. There are other things on that playlist, such as Robin Williams and clips from movies and shows, but the hint of variety there may give you an idea of me and what speaks to my soul as a music lover and musician.

My ever changing YouTube playlist 

I want to write more on this, but I can’t seem to find the words right now.


I think that’s all I can do right now… more later…

Posted in creativity, depression, peace, poetry, politics, writing

6/10: The Prize

The envelope torn.
The card blank.
No winner.
No loser.
No one left
To claim a prize
No one bothered
To save.

The circle continues.
Fire
Fueling
Fire.
No one
Stops.
The prize.
Chemical hate.
No one gets the prize.

The envelope burns.
The card long turned
To ash.
No losers left
To be the
Runner up.
Skies changed.
No going back.

APA 2017

Posted in bugaboos, chronic pain, depression, life, Personal

6/9: pain day

I’ve spent much of the day trying to either ignore the pain or waiting for meds to kick in (which they now have). My TMJ pain and the accompanying headache and tooth pain (nearly every tooth on the right side) has had me covering my eyes a chunk of the day due to heightened light sensitivity. 

So I’m laying low. Other things hurt as well, but the highest level right now is the one mentioned. 

Hopefully I can get back to lower levels soon. It’s hard to function like this.

My blogging should return to “normal” soon. 

~Amanda 

Posted in chronic pain, depression, life, Personal

6/9: middle of the night 

Despite meds that should have tamed the TMJ pain beast, here I am awake at nearly 3am. I was quiet yesterday due to a few issues.  

I have a few ranty posts in my mental queue. Dragon will have a field day. 

When I saw my primary doc about the TMJ/headache, she said there isn’t much that can be done. It’s one of those grey area health issues that no one really trains for. And no, it isn’t fully a dental thing. I do have dental work to be done, but it won’t affect the TMJ. She said if my coverage allowed me some chiropractic treatment, she knows of one who can manipulate the TMJ and relieve the pain. But I’m on Medicaid. They don’t cover that sort of thing. 

I got roughly 1 hour of sleep before the pain woke me up. One of my earlier meds doesn’t really let me sleep. 

More babbling later.

~Amanda