Posted in animal welfare, C-PTSD, cats, chronic pain, crowdfunding, depression, disability, dogs, emergency, homeless, housing, life, medical, Personal, PTSD, society, storage, urgent

3/21/18: #crowdfunding, cats, and …

#crowdfunding is still desperately needed. Any help possible, even if only sharing and encouraging others to help/share.

Had a long day today. Without much of a warning, I have now learned that they get everyone to wake up at 7am. Mind you, I’ve been living with retirees for a year. Get up early? NAAAAHHHH!!!

We also have inspection tomorrow morning. And my heater is fixed, so now I have heat in here. I may rearrange the room in some way as to keep the bed away from the window (heater is forced air and right under the window; 12″ clearance for fire code), but still figure out a way to give Portia a mid point step to get up to the window. It isn’t that high, but the ledge is shallow… and for a 14 pound cat? Yeah… need steps of some sort. I may just put the chair near it, even though it’s not much shorter than the windowsill.

We went up to PAWS today and got registered and qualified. They have supplies such as food and litter and toys and such that are donated each week. Then I headed to my first Physical Therapy session for my back. The assessment.

Portia is adjusting to the space and the noise. Some of the dogs are cool and some not so much. There’s one 2 year old pup who is the sweetest thing. Well mannered and sweet. And Portia seems to be okay observing her from behind her gate. When she get to where she approaches the gate with the dog there, I know she’s acclimating to being around dogs. Not yet.

Another short and rambly post… tired and need to figure out my internet situation. The wi-fi here is pretty shitty and I’m blocked on the computer from one site, if not more. My hotspot I got last fall is suspended because I haven’t had the money to pay it either. I need a few small-ish miracles here. Anyone know of some, send them my way. Portia and I could use ’em.


Posted in animal welfare, anxiety, C-PTSD, cats, chronic pain, crowdfunding, depression, disability, dogs, emergency, friends, health, homeless, housing, life, music, poverty line, PTSD, storage, transitions, urgent

3/20/18: #crowdfunding, adjusting, and some bad juju

I received one donation today… to that person, many thank yous. Still have a long way to go. I want to get storage covered and caught up by the end of the month. Auction is 4/12, but once April 1st rolls around, another months rent gets tacked on, so the total goes to about 1400 or so (taking into consideration late fees and all that stuff).

I’ve spent the day adjusting to the new space here at the shelter. While my room is a bit larger than most on this floor, my next door neighbor, who also has a kitty (she’s 6 and a beauty), mentioned that some bad juju has happened in this room and that may be partly why Portia is uneasy. I need to cleanse the fuck out of this room… without setting the smoke alarm off. I’d love to smudge it, but my smudge stick is “somewhere” and I can’t really go get another one. Same applies for my salt bowl and candles. I can’t risk setting off the alarm. Ideas would be great.

Twin size bed, as opposed to the single width rollaway I’ve been sleeping on for a year. Those, for people who haven’t heard of that size, are about 2 feet wide, where a Twin size mattress is about a foot wider.

Portia is still mostly hiding. Partly from being in a new place, partly from all the noise (doggos in the hall being noisy doggos), and likely some from the bad air/juju in this room. We have a dresser, small closet (litter boxes are in the bottom of that and fit perfectly), and a two tier plastic shelving thing. And a chair.

The Wi-Fi isn’t ideal, at least in the rooms, but I don’t expect super fast anything. Well, I’m gonna go sneak in a shower and then relax the rest of the evening… it’s been a long and somewhat stressful day.

As I was typing this and an FB post up, Portia came out of hiding and is now purring on the bed next to me. She’s still uneasy, but getting there. I’ve discovered having classical music playing kinda low helps buffer the noise from outside the door.

And more tomorrow! I start physical therapy (again) tomorrow afternoon. Maybe a poem tonight, if I get inspired.


Posted in chronic pain, crowdfunding, emergency, food cravings, health, homeless, housing, life, medical, poverty line, storage, urgent

3/18/18: R2: #crowdfunding and …

Yup, another one for the night. There may also be a poem later… depending on how long it takes for me to fall asleep.

Yes, #crowdfunding. You can use the PP link in the sidebar. If you’re on mobile, you can scroll to the bottom of a page and it should have the sidebar links there. I also have an FB fundraiser for this. My income via Taskrabbit has been super slow since the first of the year, hence this need. I haven’t been able to pay storage rent.

I’m gonna get really annoying after a while. Especially when my brain can’t come up with decent post subjects.

I have many things I’m very open about and one of them (at least over on FB) is having Celiac’s. This, despite many assumptions, is not an allergy to wheat/gluten, but a delayed reaction in the body. Basically, the body doesn’t like it much and trying to eat it causes the little villi in the small intestines to not work well and thus, can’t absorb nutrients like they should. You WANT them to work. They like to absorb things like magnesium and iron and all the minerals and vitamins that help your body work like it should. But instead, your body ends up craving these things more because the villi can’t work like they need to. This can cause a lot of issues. Muscles don’t like starving and they need those things to work well.

Anyway… along with Celiac’s, other things like an intolerance/sensitivity to things like soy can happen. I knew about this a few years ago, which is why I switched back from soy milk to lactose-free regular milk. Well, that soy thing is getting worse. I discovered (the hard way… and you really don’t want to know the TMI of the hard way) that soy is in a LOT of gluten free things… and other things I enjoy. Once I stop using it and be more conscious of what’s in the food I’m buying, I can gradually bring some back in, but in very small amounts. There may be others as well. I know I have issues digesting corn in some formats. But that hasn’t caused pain and other (TMI) issues.

I bring this up because I know we tend to focus so much on wheat and gluten and forget that other things might also be affecting us.

With moving into a shelter/transitional housing soon, I have to pick what comes with me. I don’t get to bring much. Hence why I need to get storage back on track… I have things that need to go into storage.

I need to also get back to my writing… not just random poetry on here, but my fiction. I have so many things to do or get done, but I know I can’t do it all. Right now, I need to focus on getting into the shelter and saving storage.

I’m getting the stink-eye from Portia… I guess it’s time to wind things down.


Posted in anxiety, C-PTSD, chronic pain, community, crowdfunding, depression, emergency, empath life, grief, health, life, PTSD, society, storage, urgent

3/9: mental day off

The shitty thing with uncontrolled PTSD and chronic fatigue and constant stress and anxiety is that it fucks life up. I didn’t do much yesterday because the previous few days were overloading. Figured one day…

Then today hit. *thud*

Between random odd pain (some which is actual strained muscle) and generally feeling out of it, not much happened today.

Tomorrow will likely be fine.

But no big blog post today…. and unless my brain decides to start a poem while I’m trying to get to sleep, no poetry tonight.

Today, I did discover Boggle the Owl. This is on FB, but look for it. A wonderful comic owl that responds with beautiful sentiments to troubled followers who send messages. I think we all need a little of Boggle in our lives.

Still any help available. I need something like a miracle at this point.


Posted in C-PTSD, chronic pain, crowdfunding, depression, disability, emergency, empath life, faith, friends, grief, health, life, peace

3/8/18: The Flame (poem)

Another off-the-cuff poem for the night. Many of them are train of thought and unedited. Enjoy.


Brightly burning
The flame flickers
As I walk past.

The light grows dimmer
As the distance grows.
The light does not reach me here.

I see it across the room
Calm now, for no one
Disturbs the air around it.

It dims, the wick is not willing.
No matter how much
I wish it to thrive.

I send my thoughts of hope
Of peace and healing to
Those in my life who need it the most.

The light helps me focus my words
My thoughts strengthen as the wax
Melts away to absorb the pain.

Give it all over to that which can take
The pain and return only solace
For those who need it.

Give the flame what it needs to
Survive. Your anguish is taken away
By that which only gives light

In return.


Posted in anxiety, C-PTSD, cats, chronic pain, crowdfunding, depression, emergency, health, homeless, insomnia, life, medical, PTSD, society, storage, urgent

3/7/18: #crowdfunding, life, and …

So, yes, still urgently in need of help to get storage out of hoc again… I hate asking. I do. Because I don’t feel like a damn adult. I hate being even occasionally dependent on others. But jobs aren’t happening, my PTSD is wreaking havoc on my life, and trying to just survive has been difficult. But I need a freaking miracle. Over 1000 needed and I’m trying to get tasks, but not really getting much.

Storage first. Then other things. One of those is something a person could purchase off my Amazon list. Here’s the thing. I currently live in a room with one small partially blocked window that doesn’t get much light even if it wasn’t partially blocked. On top of that, I have difficulty getting going in the morning and my circadians are all fluffed up. So, if one were to go to my wishlist and sort it by priority, they’d see an alarm clock with a daylight lamp built in that begins to do “sunrise” starting half an hour before the alarm goes off. This could help considerably. My new therapist even has one and loves it. But it’s money I don’t have.

And don’t let me get started on my “holy grail” book that ABE Books just alerted me to one being posted for sale… erk. Unf. Want. When you’ve been trying to get a copy for 14 years, finding one and not being able to afford it hurts… a lot. But… storage first.

Other life things… not sure if I mentioned this, but I’m now on a special list for a “pet room” at one of the transitional housing shelter buildings. Second in line, but they’re few and far between and always in use, so who knows when… but being on that list is where I need to be. I can’t put Portia on a harness and live on a bunk bed… no life for a cat. This is better overall for us.

Share, help however you can…


Posted in anxiety, C-PTSD, cats, chronic pain, community, crowdfunding, depression, disability, emergency, faith, friends, grief, health, homeless, housing, job hunting, life, medical, peace, Personal, poverty line, PTSD, society, storage, transitions, urgent

3/5/18: Panic Attack and Anxiety Observations (and #crowdfunding, of course)

A few gathered bits from FB posts or intended posts, reflecting on the last few days of medical fuckery.


One good thing that did happen today: while talking with the doc, I mentioned I’d been on Celexa for a year and then we switched to Cymbalta a few months ago to see if that worked better. I think, due to its nature, it didn’t exactly help my anxiety and the panic attack. Since I’m under extreme stress and Celexa is good for anxiety, she was all too happy to switch me back. Cymbalta didn’t seem to really do much for me, while Celexa at least helped my heart med to keep my HR down. She wasn’t keen on my GP numbers, but if the Celexa can help with that as well, I may not need more heart meds.


My client today asked about what had happened the last few days. I was supposed to do this task yesterday, but vertigo was making things difficult, so we rescheduled for today. I told her about the panic attack. She said she had no idea panic attacks could cause pain.
Severe attacks can. Some will remember a few years ago when I ended up in the OHSU ER with one. The pain from that one lasted maybe 15 minutes tops. Which is why this one concerned me so much. The pain wasn’t subsiding. In fact, it didn’t fully dissipate for roughly 30 hours. Two major spikes, sending me off the pain scale, almost exactly 24 hours apart. Taking the meds I did Friday night sent my brain and body the right signal. Still had lingering side effects (hence the vertigo Sunday), but doing better overall. Hopefully the change back to Celexa will help.



Now that I know it was a nasty panic attack from hell, I realize that it may be a good thing that my airhead kitty is the one who remains. If JoJo were still alive during these last few days, I’d have a half-nekkid JoJo-kitty and hairballs all over this room.
When I was stressed, she was stressed. And when she was stressed, she overgroomed obsessively and then puked up hairballs that could be museum-worthy.
I still love her and miss her yowling morning alarm and “in your face” headbutts, but for her sake, it’s good she is watching from the other side of the Rainbow Bridge.
I miss you, my soul-kitty. Now, stop beating up Jack.


And an observation from being on transit today:

On my way to the task today, there were several folks on the bus with “granny” carts. Last dude to get on was an angry man. That’s really the best way to describe him.
Don’t get me wrong, I have my “fuck the world/angry at the world” days/moments. Plenty of them. But I do my best to not put ALL the blame for my life onto society. Is part of it “society’s” fault? Quite likely. But I take the brunt of it. I fuck up. I make mistakes. I take the blame for those things. This man, though, was so angry at the world. Blamed the bus driver, the bus, the others on the bus, etc for his having a bad day. The driver warned him and the others at that stop that there may not be enough room for everyone’s carts. He was right. They got one stop and he was blocking the way… there was no room for him and he blamed everyone else for his problem.
It was hard for me to sit where I was and be right in the middle of his anger zone.
I don’t know what happened in his life to make him that way, but I hope he finds some peace.


So, I have a couple of not-really-Tarot decks. One is all animal guides. I shuffled them this evening and pulled three cards. The first two… well… I think they were trying to get a certain message across. Read the brief messages on them.

Take some time out of your usual life and spend it in some solitude.
Take time to rest and recuperate rather than continuing your striving.
Practice shapeshifting by altering your physical appearance and mannerisms.

After the last few days… message received. The book that comes with the deck does expand on the brief sayings. The octopus one makes sense to me with the expanded reading.


In other news, my waitlist status for TPI has shifted over to one of tje women’s short term transitional buildings. Partly due to having Portia as an ESA, but I also can’t handle a top bunk. I’m now on a short list for a “pet room” at one of their women’s buildings. It may still take a month or so… but this may be a good thing. I’m grateful to my friends for putting up with me and my depression, ptsd, health, etc… but moving to a (hopefully) less stressful place will be a good change. Progress?

I just need to get Portia’s vaccines up to date ASAP.


That’s all for now. Except crowdfunding. Storage! I can’t lose my belongings. I’m trying to earn my way out of this hole, but I can’t do it without help. Paypal is the fastest and easiest. Any help will do. Share!


Posted in animal advocacy, anxiety, C-PTSD, cats, chronic pain, crowdfunding, depression, disability, dogs, emergency, health, homeless, housing, job hunting, life, medical, poverty line, PTSD, storage, urgent

3/3/18: Panic Attack? Shifting of Things (and #crowdfunding)

I need to get storage caught up ASAP… see below for one of the reasons why. I also simply don’t want to lose my stuff… 

(featured image is a neighbor kitty who came to visit yesterday. Super sweet girl.)

Panic Attack?

This has been a wild and weird week for me. Had appts and such Monday through Wednesday, everything fine… Thursday night I felt like I’d been hit by a truck. I had a sharp jab of pain right in the middle of my left shoulder blade. Pain radiated down my left arm and across part of my chest. Short of breath, etc… went to the hospital, EKG was fine and they sent me home two hours later with scrips saying I likely pulled a muscle.

Okay, here’ the problem with that: I’ve had sciatica and various injuries my whole 45 years. I FUCKING KNOW WHAT A PULLED MUSCLE FEELS LIKE!!!!! I also know what nerve pain feels like. They gave me two Norco, one Ativan, and a shot of Toradol (which hurt like a motherfucker) while there, which did virtually nothing.

So, flash forward to the same time last night. Pain SLAMMED into me again. Same spot, same radiating pain. This time it also sent a straight line of pain across my back, stopping short of the right shoulder blade. Called the OHP nurse line, which told me to call 911 again. One of the same medics as the night before. BP high again, but nothing super high. I have my own cuff/monitor thanks to my dad (heart patient) years ago insisting on getting one. So I picked it out and he bought it for me. I’m monitoring it for now and have my followup with my clinic on Monday. I’m taking pics of each reading.

Here’s the thing: last night before bed, I took a flexeril (muscle relaxant) and a valium left over from my scrips (weaned off due to choosing it or oxy for my chronic pain). This morning? Pain down near a 3 or 4 where it was hovering between 7 and 10 until sometime during the night. I kept telling the doc at the ER that it wasn’t a pulled muscle. I have my beefs with the vast majority of medical professionals. They don’t fucking listen to those of us who know our bodies, assuming we’re just dumb motherfuckers. So, I’m guessing a massive panic attack from all the layers of stress in my life.

Shifting of Things

As many know of my homeless situation, I’ve been staying at a friend’s house for nearly a year. Currently in the basement. I got back on the waitlist for Transition Projects some weeks back. Normally, they put you in a stage 1 shelter once your number comes up. Because of my disabilites and having Portia (my Emotional Support Critter), they shifted me to bypassing a stage 1 shelter (open rooms like dorms, barracks). I can’t do a top bunk and with Portia, I need an enclosed space. They moved me to the list for a stage 2 space, which is the transitional housing, presumably private spaces. She said it may still be a few weeks.

One thing I need to get taken care of is get Portia updated on vaccines. I wish they had told me initially when they said I needed the letter for her to be an ESA. Details are important.

Then there’s my stuff. I won’t be able to bring everything I have here at the house to wherever the housing is. With storage being locked down, I’m stuck. I need to get it paid up ASAP so I can start moving things over there and bring my stuff here to a bare minimum.

I now owe roughly $1000

Rent: $305/ea = 915 [January, February, and now March]

Late fees: Over $100 (applied on the 6th, the 15th and then the end of the month. The end of month one is $50 each)

So, somewhere over 1K. Because of aforementioned medical fuckery, I need to take it easy for a few more days. I have a task tomorrow, but if the client helps, I may be okay. I just need to slow down and not try to break my own damn speed records. My pain is down today so if that keeps steady, I should be okay tomorrow. I’ll just need to be careful with the tasks for a while.

My options for my stuff, if I get into the shelter sooner rather than later:

  1. leave things here for a bit until storage frees up.
  2. get storage paid up and move things down there.
  3. find a friend to stash everything extra until storage is open again. 

I’d MUCH prefer the second one. I hate asking friends to store my crap. In general, I hate depending on others for anything, including financial help. But I’m stuck in this vortex of being jobless (in terms of steady work), homeless, and dealing with physical disabilities and PTSD.

Wanna know what hell is like? Live my life as it is right now. I’d love to be pain free, in my own place, with a steady job I can do without pain. I’d love to get my service dog and have more confidence in getting out and about. Rebuild my life. The PTSD affects a lot of it. I am well on my way to getting into therapy again, this time to address PTSD and getting my damn life back on track.

So there you have it. My life these last few days. One ambulance ride, paramedics two nights in a row, meds, and just trying to sort shit out and survive.

If my panic attacks are “leveling up,” I’m royally fucked. When they mimic a heart attack, it’s bad. Especially since my dad and both of his brothers were/are (one is still going) heart patients.

I am my father’s child on so many levels.

That’s all for now…

Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, C-PTSD, cats, chronic pain, crowdfunding, domestic abuse, emergency, life, PTSD, sexual assault, storage, urgent

2/25: PTSD Nightmares (& #crowdfunding)

[Yes, still need help with covering storage. Only a couple more days before another $305 is added to the pile-up, pushing it over $1000]

So, nightmares. I won’t go into details, but these have been getting more and more vivid as time goes on. Last night, it included a person I’ve considered a lifelong friend. And not in a good, supportive way. These nightmares have included various kinds of assault, some sexual, some not. The interesting thing is that none of them really include the bastard whose behavior caused me to have C-PTSD in the first damn place. They’ve included a whole host of strangers and semi-famous people I’ve never met…

I think the reason why I haven’t had nightmares about The Asshole is because I’ve spent 20+ years facing my fears and going to therapy on and off, and just fucking dealing with the shit he’s put me through.

Been there, done that, got the PTSD to prove it.

So, what I’m left with is nightmares about potential attacks from others. Including that drunk sonofabitch from December on the MAX. One friend earlier today asked if the whole being on the train thing so much is part of my issue. Well, it is, but it also isn’t.

See, there will always be assholes and drunks wherever I go. I understand this. My anxiety of being around people and being in close proximity to others, namely men, makes being on commuter trains REALLY uncomfortable. It works both ways, I think. The anxiety makes being on transit worse, and the people on transit make my anxiety worse. They feed off each other… a symbiotic hellhole, so to speak.

But I can’t afford a car and I’m technically not on valium anymore (I have a small stash, but no more scrips). I’m going to take one before bed tonight to see if it calms the nightmares. If so, I’ll be talking to a few medical professionals about options. I’m on an antidepressant that’s supposed to help with anxiety, but I ain’t seeing much of a difference. Fuck, my iPod works better… well, the iPod and my cat waiting for me at home.

The nightmares are just another “thing” piled onto the mess of PTSD.


[and if you’re wondering why I’m swearing so much, I’m rebelling against a PTSD forum where I’m not allowed to swear… because fuck that shit.]

Posted in anxiety, C-PTSD, chronic pain, crowdfunding, depression, disability, dogs, emergency, friends, homeless, housing, job hunting, life, Personal, poverty line, PTSD, society, storage, urgent

STICKY: Meh, Grumble #crowdfunding

STATUS: need to raise funds for storage before end of February.

I’d normally prefer to make a regular post and ramble about various things, including needing funds for storage (again, I know). My income isn’t steady and last month I made less than $300 total… this month? I’m on par to make less than $200. That’s just how it is. One month could be awesome and the next could suck horribly. So I’m two months behind and need around $700 (have less than half). I have a fundraiser on FB and I have the PP on here (sidebar, unless you’re on mobile, then scroll to the bottom).

This post will be stickied to the top for now. If I can’t bring myself to write a whole post for some reason, I’ll change my content in this one. For now: yes, I’m still job hunting; yes, I’m still homeless; yes, I really am living in the basement now; and yes, I’m still battling my PTSD and it isn’t improving. I’m going through the process with one therapy place for intake and will see how that goes. Right now, storage is more important than raising money for a service dog. It will go to auction if not paid up ASAP.

The thing with PTSD is that it sucks almost all of your energy and ability to do the shit you need to do. I’m hoping therapy helps.