Posted in anxiety, auction, bugaboos, C-PTSD, chronic pain, community, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, faith, friends, health, life, medical, society, storage

1/19: Whatever Comes

[Still need help to get storage finished and caught up. If I don’t get it caught up before the end of the month, it’ll go to auction and I get no more second chances. Help me get it caught up.]

Life is full of ups and downs and challenges and … you get the idea. I’ve been to Hell and back so many fucking times in my 46 years that it’s like a second home. I face the challenge, deal with it, move forward.

Today potentially presented a new challenge for me. I started to feel pain in my left armpit last night and it continued through today and is getting a bit worse. I’ve done nothing to the area so I checked it in the mirror for swelling. There is a bit of swelling, so off I went to Urgent Care.

*Disclaimer: I know absolutely nothing yet.

I left shortly after with a scrip for Amoxicillin. A swollen lymph node is the culprit. Why it’s inflamed, we don’t know. I see the plastic surgeon who messed up my reduction surgery in 2015 this coming Friday. If the swelling and pain has not begun to subside by then, I’ll request a biopsy.

I’ll also go up and get a boob squish session (ahh, mammograms) this week as well. It’s been a bit over 2 years now. They told me to go for 3 years, but this is a special situation.

There are a handful of things a swollen LN can be. The next level up on fighting some random infection, RA (no other signs, though), Cancer, etc.

Yes, I said the C word. What if it happens to be that? Then I’ll fight to the end of my damn days. The end of the world. It’s one more challenge for me to face.

It could also be nothing major. Which would be nice for once. I mean, shit, I’ve had cellulitis, a heart condition, C-PTSD, anxiety, broken bones and sprains that made the doctors wonder if I’d broken anything. I’ve been homeless. I’ve been raped repeatedly.

I’m still here. I’m still fighting. It would be nice to get a break health-wise. But if not, okay. Bring it on. Never tell me something is impossible. Or, better yet, DO tell me that so I can prove you wrong. I take perverse pleasure in proving someone wrong about me.

This is life. As sucky as it can be, this is life. If things in your life aren’t challenging, then you aren’t pushing yourself to truly live. Granted, no one wants cancer. But challenges are a part of life.

~A

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Posted in artsy stuff, community, creativity, crowdfunding, dreams, gratitude, life, poetry, storage, writing

1/15: The Rain

[I still need some help to finish getting storage caught up before the end of the month. I have a second larger financial commitment to also cover, as well as smaller bills. Any help, sharing included,is greatly appreciated.]

☆☆☆☆☆

Rain washes the dirt away.
Sending it below the city.
Streaks of grime mar
The sides of buildings.
Running.
Along the mortar
Between the bricks.

Drops hit my face.
Flatten my hair.
The rain soaks through one layer.
Two layers
Three.
Gets to my skin and
Makes me cold.

Others run to stay dry.
I stand in the open.
Unconcerned of image.
I know I will not
Melt
From the rain.
I’m a good witch.

The clouds pass above me.
A brief glimpse of what
Is beyond.
Light and dark.
Worlds
Rule the blackness beyond.
As the stars tell their stories.

~A

Posted in creativity, dreams, poetry, writing

1/9: #POETRY: Bones and Leaves

Leaves scattered
The courtyard becomes
A ghost town.

Bones of wood
And canvas
Broken in violence.

Tendons of string
Wrapping around trees
Tangled in the bark.

Crumpled pieces
Tumbleweeds of war.
Move with the breeze.

Leaves pile upon
Themselves.
Protect each other.

Curled edges darken
Ink blends into nothing.
Become ash.

Burnt words fade
No longer coherent.
Knowledge turned to dust.

~A

Posted in anxiety, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, emergency, life, storage, urgent

A bit over an hour to auction. Halp? #crowdfunding

Still at 593 of 1467. Just under half. I’m stressed out and tired from the stress. I want this to be sorted and done. With my stuff safely back in my ownership. Any help is appreciated.

As I sit here at work with nothing to do since the paper delivery hasn’t arrived yet, I’m waiting… and I called storage again and left another message. I imagine my first one where I sounded like a committee of frogs were gathering in my throat, probably wasn’t easy to understand.

Posted in anxiety, auction, community, convention, cosplay, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, emergency, faith, storage, urgent

10am: still at $593 #crowdfunding

Auction is at noon and I’d need to have funds in PayPal before then to call and say pull it and I have the money. The office is just opening now, so he’ll hear my VM and call back. I hope. I need $800 more. Miracle? Don’t know if I’m allowed any more of those. But if I am, this would be a good time for one.

Coming out of homelessness is a bitch. I’m so close to getting more of the puzzle pieces of my life back in the box. Still have a few other things to tie up. But my whole life -costumes, music, books, fabric and sewing machine, dad’s flag, personal things. My life. In a storage unit. About to slip away if I can’t get it saved.

~A

Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, asexuality, auction, C-PTSD, community, conformity, convention, cosplay, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, domestic abuse, dreams, emergency, faith, family, friends, gender, history, homelessness, housing, individuality, life, medical, Personal, sexual assault, silliness, society, storage, urgent, writing

1/2/19: A Bit Different #crowdfunding

Last one for the night for crowdfunding. I’m exhausted from the emotional and physical havoc today was. Trying to not go into a full-on pity-party… so I’m going to take a cue from the image I chose and riff on that for the last of the night. Still sitting at $235 of $1467. Can anyone who sees this be part of a minor miracle and add to that low number?


I’ve always been kind of an “odd duck” well, rabbit. I’m still not entirely sure if identifying as Rabbit from Winnie-the-Pooh is a good thing or a bad one. But I’ve had several friends agree that I’m Rabbit. But I’ve always been different. Not so much in a neuro-atypical way, just different.

I was the kid who plucked dog and cat hairs from the family pets and looked at them under the 3x microscope. The one who “hunted the dragon” which was actually my dad working on the yard. The kid who was caught on film in rainbow striped tights and a slip (top, not skirt) and ballet shoes, using my dad’s drafting table after hours to doodle.

The teen who wore black leather lace up boots and a beret or real fedora -black with a grey band- and pink and blue shiny eye shadow. Drawing and dancing and singing and pretending I was famous. All while contemplating suicide because of emotional abuse.

I tried, in my 20’s, to go with the pack, to dress like others and fit in. But I realized as I inched closer to 30 that that wasn’t me. It wasn’t WHO or WHAT I was. Still not me now. I rejected the “American Dream” concept of a house in the ‘burbs with the white picket fence and all the other trappings.

My life has been filled with good and bad. The bad has had a tendency to overwhelm me and my life. From a sexually abusive relationship to almost dying at 35 from Cellulitis. To being homeless for most of the past two years. It hasn’t been easy, not by any means.

For labels: I’m an Androgynous Aromantic Asexual Furry Cosplayer who also happens to write SF/F… and, well, there probably are a few other things. I paint, I sew, I design floorplans of houses and costumes. I can draft my own patterns to some degree. I refer to myself as a Geek-of-all-Trades.

And just about everything that one with all those labels and hobbies (along with more I didn’t list) would have to help define who they are is locked away in the storage unit up for auction tomorrow at noon PST. My identity, my first fursuit, my costumes, my sewing machine, my music.

My everything.

I’m not perfect or beautiful or famous like I had dreamed of as a kid. I’m just this one person who is trying to pick my life back up after being on temporary hold for almost two years. I’m a person who stumbles and falls on my own feet while walking along the path of life. I think a lot of us do that. I just choose not to hide the bruises from my falls.

My life is in that storage unit. I can’t lose it. Not now when I’m finally back in my own place again.

~A

Posted in anxiety, auction, community, cosplay, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, emergency, friends, homelessness, housing, life, poetry, society, storage, urgent, writing

1/2/19: Waiting (#poetry and #crowdfunding)

Still #crowdfunding. I’m just gonna keep going. Hoping that by Saturday, I’ll be able to go and get my mattress and some things out of there after it’s saved. It’s at Central Self Storage here in Portland. All I want is this chance to get some normalcy back. I have my costumes and everything in there.

WAITING

Broken lines of light come to me over the water below
The bridge under my feet is cold and slick from the winter rain.
The moon betrays me to the night sky.
I stand over the water.
Watching.
Hoping.

In my dream I felt this night.
I saw the moon over me, the rigid steel of the bridge around me.
The ripplies of water disturb the lights of the city beyond.
I saw this night.
I felt it.
Yet, he is nowhere.

In this dream, he stands in this place.
On this bridge.
Silence only broken by the water below, hitting the supports.
He stands here.
Why, I do not know.
So, I wait.

My impatience overtakes my desire.
The bells in the distance tell me midnight is here.
Yet I am still alone.
Here.
On the bridge.
Waiting.

Pacing, hoping he will show.
I fumble to make sure it is safe in my pocket.
Staring into the deep black water.
Below.
And I wait.
He never comes.

~APA 2007 (I have no clue where this came from, but it’s one of mine. *shrugs*)

Posted in anxiety, auction, C-PTSD, community, crowdfunding, dreams, emergency, faith, friends, homelessness, housing, life, observations, Personal, poverty line, society, storage, transitions, urgent

1/2/19: Anxiety #crowdfunding

I’m not sure how else to get anyone’s attention. What can I do? Coming out of homelessness sucks when you know you have the tools to start rebuilding your life, but can’t access them for a lack of funds.

Trust me, I’d MUCH rather be blogging about normal topics. More poetry and stuff. But life can hand -no, not hand- HURL challenges at some people like it’s an every day thing. At least this is how it feels to me.

I do my best not to compare myself to others, but I do look around me at others in society. It does feel like some people got the Manual for Adulthood at an early age, and the rest of us are still trying to figure it all out.

I could totally blame the world, but some of it is on me. I made some choices that have scarred me for life. Abusive relationships and all. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better, but there is no magic wand. No easy fix. I know that. Probably better than most.

I just ask and hope that enough people or the right people… just people hear my request and can answer with the help I need. I need one more chance. I’m almost there.

~A

Posted in community, creativity, dreams, emergency, faith, family, friends, history, individuality, poetry, society, urgent

2019 Prayer/Blessing

(I will be speaking this as I light a small tea light in my salt bowl. The bowl is used to amplify the words spoken. Feel free to use this yourself.)

May those who seek peace
Find it within.

May those who find themselves lost
Make their way home.

May those who have been broken down
Build themselves back up.

May those who are untroubled by life.
Learn to be uncomfortable.

May those who are uncomfortable
Finally know comfort.

May those who have no roof over them
Find permanent shelter.

May those who seek safety
Be wrapped in love and warmth.

May those who do harm
Learn to feel empathy.

May those who remain in the dark
Come into the light.

May those who seek forgiveness
Find it in themselves.

May those whose voice has been silenced
Once again stand tall.

May those who bring anger and hate
Learn compassion.

May those who seek equality
Bring balance to the world.

May our past and our present
Bring us timely knowledge.

May blessings from all
Bring light into the new year.

~A

[If you like this and want to help me out, I am in need of keeping my belongings in storage from auction. I can now remove a lot of it and use it again. Time is running out.]