Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, family, friends, gratitude, life, society

4/20: Still Here #crowdfunding #registry #art4sale

I’ve pulled back and been busy trying to determine what I need. A mattress has been ordered. I didn’t buy one earlier because I had one in storage. Well, that’s all gone now. I also have a GFM going for those who may not want to buy from the IKEA registry or Amazon. Gift cards are also an option, such as for IKEA. They can be applied to the registry.

In the following links, you’ll find supplies, furniture, electronics, sewing machines, towels, vacuum cleaners (two options, both pretty cheap). I’m also making and selling paintings to help make rent for next month. The assistance is now over as of April. My CCC case manager said he was going to talk to my case worker at the shelter and see if they can pony up some of next month’s rent. Since CCC and HS helped with all the initial stuff to get me moved. Something the shelter org should have done.

Here are the paintings so far. Most are 8×8 canvas boards. I may have to go back in and edit to mark which ones are 8×8 and the four that are 6×6 boards. 8×8’s are $45 and 6×6’s are $30. Paypal preferred.

I’m struggling to get work. I’ll likely write something up about that whole thing later. But I apply for jobs well within my realm of knowledge and can’t seem to get even an interview. I’ve redone my resume and have it now so that it’s software ready for the HR software that apparently screens them. But it still isn’t enough. I need steady work. I want steady work. There are some things I can’t do, for any number of reasons.

~A

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Posted in anxiety, community, conformity, creativity, depression, dreams, empath life, individuality, life, poetry, society

4/3: Path Taken #poetry #Inspiration

Dreams within stories
Fractured by time and pain.

Path not taken
Of acquiescence and banality.
Plow my own.

Held back too long
By pain and fear.

Ideas swirl around
One rests as another
Bubbles to the surface.

Dreams deferred
While I get the basics down.

Know change is emerging.
The path not taken idles to the side
As I forge ahead into my own world.

~A

(Now need help to regain things lost. First up is a mattress. I had expected to pull my old one out of storage.)

Posted in anxiety, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, disability, dreams, gratitude, health, insomnia, job hunting, life, Personal, sleep, society

4/1: No April Fool Here

As I’ve said in the past, I have been sleeping on the floor since I moved in back in October. The reason I haven’t bought a new mattress was because I had one in storage and wanted to get it out.

Well, now that the chance of saving everything is gone, I need a new mattress. I’ve been checking all the “bed-in-a-box” options alongside IKEA and thought I couldn’t find something more affordable than them.

I was wrong. The Zinus mattress on my Amazon wishlist is a touch over $200. I have a second option as well (and they’re at the top of the list, so no one has to go hunting for them). So, I ask for help. My credit is fucked from a bankruptcy in 2013 (medical bills) and lack of steady employment. I know it’s a big ask, but this is sorely needed. If it’s ordered via my list, it comes straight to me. If folks donate so I can buy it, PP is ideal as I have a debit card from them linked to my Amazon account.

Some of you may wonder why I’m asking for help. I now have to start over, which I fucking hate more than anything. I’ve lost nearly everything that means something to me. Having a mattress that’s good for my back will help to some degree. If I can sleep better, I can do better during my waking hours.

I don’t want any frames right now either. Yes, that means it’ll be on the floor. But if you look at the IKEA registry (also now in the sidebar), you’ll see a MALM storage bed frame (it lifts up from the foot of the bed). It isn’t cheap, but it’s one of the things I want to maximize my space here. I’m living in less than 300 sq ft. So, it’s tight quarters.

Mattress first. Then work my way up through the stuff. Stuff on Amazon and IKEA, or donations or gift cards to either… Any of it works.

~A

Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, auction, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, emergency, faith, family, friends, gratitude, homelessness, life, Personal, society, storage, urgent

3/27: 15 Hours and Counting Down #crowdfunding #emergency #urgent

I’m running out of steam here. I’m so close to losing everything. I can’t do this. I’m tired. I’ve asked and pleaded, I’m doing what I can, but it never seems to be enough. I have a bit in savings from my last task, but that’s barely $100. I also have other things to be paid. Like my phone, which was shut off two days ago.

There is no way I can currently afford to replace what can be replaced. And no chance in the foreseeable future. The items in there are close to me. To my heart. To my life. They have little value for anyone else. Most of what’s in there has little to no resale value. Most would consider the lot of it junk. For me, the value is in what I can do with the items in there.

I just need another chance.

~A

Posted in anxiety, auction, chronic pain, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, disability, domestic abuse, dreams, emergency, faith, family, friends, gratitude, grief, history, homelessness, housing, insomnia, life, poetry, society, storage, urgent

3/25: Disjointed #poetry

[Definitely running out of time for storage. I need to save it this one last time. Then I can move things around and get a smaller unit. 1400. Help?share?]

……..

Standing
People pass me, sometimes
Bumping into me.
Am I here? Do I exist?
The sidewalk is not overly
Crowded.
I must be invisible.

Walking
Careful to not be followed.
Do I feel safe?
Where is my stun gun?
Just leave me be.
Fake window shopping.
Make the guy be ahead of me.
I must keep my eyes on
Him.

Running
Fear. Am I late?
Why do I run?
My legs give out.
My lungs give up.
What is it that I fear?

Dreaming
I must fight the
Darkness of my past.
I long to be free of fear and
Pain.
I have whiplash from always looking
Over my shoulder.
Make the pain stop.
Leave me be.

~A

Posted in anxiety, auction, C-PTSD, community, crowdfunding, depression, disability, domestic abuse, dreams, emergency, empath life, faith, friends, gratitude, grief, history, homelessness, life, nanowrimo, peace, PTSD, sexual assault, society, storage, transitions, urgent

3/23: Healing #PTSD #sexualassault #trigger and yes #crowdfunding, dammit

Yes, still need help. Auction is Thursday the 28th. I cannot give them partial payment. They won’t accept it this time. So I need to come up with 1400 for storage. I also may still need to pay my apartment management a chunk just under 500 as well. I’ll have to email the people who have been helping. There was some miscommunication there.


Healing: I’ve never hidden the fact that I have PTSD from sexual assault. I’ve also never hidden the fact that the asshole who raped me repeatedly has been cyberstalking me on and off for most of these years since. But I don’t think I’ve delved into the healing process and how I have viewed it. I use the Three Little Pigs as my analogy.

First Piggie: For several years, I was like that first pig, building my straw house, thinking I was this strong person. Only for him to come along, whether in the real world, online, or in nightmares, and blow the straw house down. I’d come out of my hiding and rebuild. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Second Piggie: Eventually, I morphed into the second piggie. I reinforced my stick house with straw, believing I was stronger than before. He’d once again come and blow the house down again… and again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Third Piggie: In 2013, after writing a particular character for NaNoWriMo that November, I transformed once again into the third pig. I had a brick house with reinforced walls and shatterproof windows and doors. My motto: Y’all can huff, and y’all can puff, but you AIN’T blowing this house down.

He stayed fairly quiet by then, but he has never been one to give up tormenting women. So I steeled myself against whatever he might do once he got bored again with his current victim.

My nightmares went from being victimized completely by him, feeling helpless, to being victimized but finding the strength to break away, and finally, to anger and a willingness to fight face to face if it came to that. And I might get injured even then, but still came out victorious. I hope you can also see the pattern there.

Right around the first of the year, I started using my salt bowl again and saying my own prayer. Asking God, Mother Nature, and those who came before (ancestors) to bring guidance as I and those around me move forward with our lives. To begin healing our pasts and finding wisdom and peace within and without. While I didn’t do this every night, I did do it several nights in a row over the last two and a half months.

It started to work. I’m an odd duck as I’m both believer and skeptic rolled into one. I put my faith out there and hope that maybe I’m heard, but I don’t expect anything major to happen.

But it is. I noticed recently that I haven’t had those nightmares of any kind, even the third one, in a few weeks now, maybe a month. I’d been so angry at myself, at the world, at people in general, and very definitely at him, that it finally emptied the reserves of anger. I had no more. Do I still get angry? Yes. Trust me, you would not want to read my mind when I’m on transit. But my mind isn’t engaged in anger toward him, in anger toward others like him. The nightmares have stopped. Yes, they could pick back up again. And he could still make contact, harassing me again. My guard isn’t down. But my mind isn’t stewing in fear and anger at him.

So, I’m no longer any of the piggies. Maybe a phoenix rising from the ashes of the first two houses. Keeping watch over the third until no longer needed. I don’t know, honestly. But I know something has shifted. I cannot forgive him for what he did. Nor can I forgive the others who made attempts at assault before him.

I know where I’ve been. I’m unsure of where I am now. And not one damn clue where I’m going. But I’m ready to truly heal and move on.

~A

Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, auction, cats, chronic pain, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, disability, dreams, emergency, faith, family, friends, gratitude, health, homelessness, life, medical, Personal, poverty line, semicolon, society, storage, tattoo

3/19: Catching Up and Needing Help #crowdfunding

I know, it’s getting old. But I need to come up with the whole 1400-ish needed for storage. No partial payments this time. Also, the whole sleeping on the floor thing is getting rather old. I do have a GFM, but PayPal is MUCH easier for me (and you don’t NEED a PP account to donate) to access. Auction is on the 28th. I’m running out of time.

I’ve been rather quiet of late. My apologies. It’s been a strange few weeks. I got hurt while assembling something a week and a half ago, and then got food poisoning (most likely) over this past weekend, ending up in the ER Sunday evening. I didn’t get home until 4:15am. I’m still recovering, but getting better. What I am making so far is all going to my phone (how I get tasks) and other small bills. Some will -admittedly- be going to a tattoo next week. I booked it a couple months in advance and really did expect things to be vastly improved by now, but I also don’t want to pass up the chance for a VERY affordable tattoo (My semicolon tat. I swore that I’d get it once I was no longer homeless).

Still looking for work. Still doing what I can. I have a couple of ideas for paintings, but need better quality paint for one and other supplies for the other technique.

Portia now has her own page on Facebook: Princess Portia of Portlandia is the place to go.

In other frustrating news, the agency helping with my rent didn’t communicate with me about this month, so they only sent a partial amount, assuming I’d pay the rest. Well, I didn’t know this until I got a notice about it from management. *sigh* … so if there’s a little extra, it would be appreciated.

I’m gonna get back on track here. I was dong better health-wise until my knee was hit by a side panel of a dresser. It’s also doing better now. My right side takes a massive beating on a regular basis (I’m a leftie, so my right side is a bit weaker).

If folks will see me through one more round of help with storage… there’s hope for me yet.

~A

Posted in anxiety, auction, C-PTSD, chronic pain, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, disability, dreams, emergency, faith, family, friends, grief, health, insomnia, job hunting, life, poetry, PTSD, society, storage, transitions, urgent

2/7: Melancholy (#crowdfunding & #poetry)

So, now February storage rent has been tacked on. $1014 owed. And my internet at home is off (86 needed). Phone will come due soon as well. The phone that is, once again, access to my only livelihood.

******************

Sabotage.
On edge.
Permanently damaged goods.
Just too much pain.

Breathe.
Why now?
Make it stop.
Please help me survive.

Tired.
Always on.
Brain wired wrong.
I need a break.

Broken.
No matter.
Need to heal.
Do I fit anywhere?

********
I’m all melancholy right now. Frustration with my own health and job hunt. Trying to get through school as well. Today I finally got a formal diagnosis of PTSD and GAD. These explain a lot. I feel like things aren’t coming together like I, and those around me, had thought they would by now. Like I’m falling apart all over again. This is partly why I’ve been so quiet lately. Poetry just isn’t forming so much of late.

Bear with me as I fight to reclaim the ground I lost climbing out of my own personal abyss.

~A

Posted in activism, anxiety, auction, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, emergency, faith, family, friends, life, nature, observations, peace, poetry, society, storage, urgent, writing

2/1: Ashes #poetry

[Have two donations now. A bit over 100. Still a ways to go. I have until Monday 6pm to get the past due to storage. Any help is appreciated]

***********

Skyline changes.
Blocking out the sun.
Haze of distant smoke
Fills the gaps.

Destruction breeds rebirth.
The trees savor the fire.
Never mind how.
It just does.

Ashes breed the Phoenix
Of nature undone.
Cyclical world knows how to
Survive by itself.

Leave it be.
It knows what to do.
Don’t rush the process.
The Phoenix will rise again.

~A