Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, C-PTSD, chronic pain, depression, disability, domestic abuse, empath life, health, job hunting, life, Personal, PTSD, sexual assault, society

10/12: Social Anxiety and C-PTSD

I’m gonna try putting this into actual words rather than just swirling around in my head. Hopefully, it’ll make sense.


Despite medications and such, I feel disconnected. Maybe it’s partly because of being jobless and homeless, but I don’t feel like I’m part of anything. Despite (slowly) working on finishing school and trying to find work and having lots of friends… I just don’t feel it.

My social anxiety is ramping up even worse, probably because the C-PTSD is so not helping matters. I want to have my own place and just stay there. Not go anywhere unless I really have to.

The C-PTSD is from recurring sexual assault during a relationship over 20 years ago. I thought I’d moved past that part of it with therapy and could handle things again, but since a massive trigger nearly a year ago, I now know otherwise.

[This section came from an f-locked post on FB… with edits.]
**This person don’t know what happened. What he triggered. I know, in some way, I should explain it to him, but I can’t. Mind you, he did nothing inherently wrong
. I do NOT blame him. I have believed I had my shit regarding the sexual assaults from 24 years ago handled. Bast knows I’ve had tons of therapy dealing with it. But one touch -as friends- that wasn’t even super-intimate set me down a path I’m still fighting with today. It was something that reminded me of what my ex used to do. There was no ill intention on this friend’s part. 
And I’m not getting any better. Right now, as I’m typing this, I’m crying, trying not to go into a full panic attack.

When you see what I’ve been through since last November, it makes sense that I feel my life is spiraling out of control, no matter how much I may seem -on any given day- to be doing better. It isn’t just the C-PTSD… it’s anxiety, it’s stress, it’s not knowing when shit will get better.**

More and more, I’m hesitant about going out, being on public transit. While many are hesitant about it for reasons such as the potential of being attacked, my reasons are different.

  • strong perfume/cologne/body spray causes headaches
  • loud noises/talking makes me cringe
  • and lastly: I can’t handle sitting next to someone and us ending up touching (usually hips or such)… especially if they’re male.

I’ve had so many moments in recent months while out on transit where I feel the urge to lash out at people. I want to snap at the person sitting next to me to MOVE… or the person talking too loudly to STFU. I have no interest in violence, but

Since last year, I now ask male friends and other men I come across, to ask for permission to hug me. Even women, although I’m better with them. No surprise that the ex in question is male.

I don’t know how to deal with all of this. I figured after 24 years and tons of therapy, I’d be better, but I can’t help pulling away from people in the physical realm (as opposed to online) because of what I’m dealing with.


One of the hardest things about this is that I need work. Which means being on transit, being in an office setting around others, having to negotiate physical space while trying to sort out this anxiety and C-PTSD.

I had a job yesterday assembling some cabinets… was supposed to continue, but my back and other joints decided against it. There really is no amount of pain medication that can help. Trust me on this. I can do physical jobs here and there, but not hours on end. And my body still pays for even those small tasks.


I wish I knew how to fix this part of me. Still fighting an anxiety attack… but calming down a bit… the C-PTSD and related things severely affect all the other things in my life. I hate it.

I wish I had a magic wand to make it go away.

~A

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Posted in C-PTSD, chronic pain, creativity, depression, empath life, eviction, food cravings, friends, grad school, health, history, homeless, job hunting, life, medical, Personal, research, silliness, storage

9/21: Like I Really Need to Write More on Here Today… SQUIRREL!!! (shit)

*sigh* It feels strange to NOT be begging for help after the last several days. I would say the last week-ish has been madness for me. I went from “great! I’m gonna get back to school and finish my degree!” to Cluster(fuck) Headache for 6 days, then that resolved, then “oh shit, storage!!! help!”

No wonder I’m freaking exhausted right now. I think most people would just curl up into a ball after the past 8 days. Actually, I kinda want to do that. I also want Thai food… and Hot & Sour Soup. I LOVE me some really good H&S soup. It better be a bowl of incredible goodness that can clear the magma chambers of Mt St. Helens… nice and hot. Dammit.

I had nothing left… well, not enough to order food via Postmates. Also, they’re being assholes with my debit card… sooo…. yeah. I ended up with Annie’s Gluten Free Mac & Cheese… microwave M&C… it’s decent… but it isn’t Pad Thai and H&S soup.

In case anyone who reads this blog hasn’t noticed, 2017 has really, REALLY SUCKED for me. And I’m not even bringing political fuckery into that picture.

Oh… yeah… when I’m tired, I get all rambly… like now.

Someone sent me a message request on FB… asking if there was a way for me to split my stuff up and have friends store it. I still haven’t accepted his message (I will, really) and replied, but this is my answer in case anyone else was wondering the same thing: No one I know has the room. Two friends (well, married pairs of friends, so four friends, technically)

Oh look… SQUIRREL!!!!

Where was I? Oh yeah… friends of mine are holding a few bins of fabric from when I had tried to downsize a previous storage unit and hauled them back to my apartment… and then the management said “no… you can’t have all those in your apartment… it’s a fire hazard” … welp… fuck. I need to get those bins back from said friends (one pair has asked when that would be possible… ummm.. when I can make enough room in storage?).

One must understand geeks/creatives like me. We have “stuff” … a lot of “stuff.” Some of the “stuff” in storage can be (and will be… once I can reach it) downsized, trashed, etc. Some will get sold off… I really don’t need three sets of speakers. One set… one is good. I have a buyer for one pair… some furniture will be broken down and trashed… I kinda beat them up a bit during the eviction. Sadly.  That really was a nice sideboard… it would just need a lot of shoring up with metal bits to hold it together (which I could realistically do… not sure yet)

(don’t mind me… my brain is bouncing around between ‘things’ as I type… this is kinda ‘stream of consciousness’ blogging when I’m like this)

I don’t have the physical energy (yay for chronic pain/fatigue… NOT!!!) to tackle my storage unit alone. I get a few feet in and I need to sit my ass down and rest. I am not joking.

This has been a wild week. Still need to play catch up with school stuff (thinking of taking my Chromebook, Kindle, and iPod with me tomorrow and alternate between school things and working on storage… I’d be offline, as it’s one huge steel and concrete building… signal? What signal? Psshhh).

One of the many things I am grateful for with this week is an answer to the issue of my headaches. The fact that it responded well to oxygen therapy is HUGE for me. I’ve been on birth control to help manage hormones, as they were presenting after every other month’s cycle. We chalked it up to wonky hormones and have been managing them that way. But even if hormones are affecting them, the headaches are something else. I looked up “one sided headaches” and cluster headaches were the clearest answer. While migraines and tension headaches can present on one side, they tend to be present on either side, and mine have always been on the right. Cluster headaches are always one sided and most commonly on the right. No one really knows what causes them. I looked at a few medical sites. But oxygen therapy helps them. Seriously, it fucking WORKED. 15 minutes breathing pure oxygen made the vast majority of the pain go away (I also have TMJ pain, so that wasn’t helping either).

Medical stuff is one of the “big uglies” that has impeded my life. If I even tried to list the shit I’ve been through that has sidelined me for some length of time… I know I’d forget something. Big things, little things… everything from Cellulitis to breaking a toe… This year, it was the eviction, which exacerbated my back injury, knee injuries, drove me deeper into depression, sidelined schooling and job hunting to some degree… I’m not fully out of the woods, but feeling better. It’s been a shit year, but I’m slowly climbing back out of the abyss.

With a little help from my friends (and a few strangers online).

When I got back from my errands today (which ended with an eye exam and ordering new glasses… I’m getting old… new pairs will be bifocals… and Voc Rehab is covering them as they are something needed for working), the number of page hits for this little personal blog were higher than I’d ever had since I started blogging. I’ve had different sites/blogs over the years. This is my personal one. I have another one I’m working on starting, but it’ll take me a bit. It’ll be about archives and history. That’s what my grad degree is in. But other than linking to it from here, I want to keep them separate. Last thing I need is potential fellow archives folks (and potential bosses/coworkers) seeing all my personal ramblings…. yeeaaahhhh, no. It was around 172 at the time. Now? 188.

I think I’ve gotten most of the rambling out of my system. That’ll be all for the night… I think.

~A

Posted in crowdfunding, depression, empath life, faith, life, peace, poetry, storage, urgent

9/13: Good & Bad

(Midnight poetry. Still #crowdfunding as well. Spread the word.)

It doesn’t matter
Who
You
THINK
You
Are.
All have
Good
&
Bad days.
Learn from
Each and
Every
Moment.
Live without
Fear.
Be who you
Wish to be.
Do not wait for
Another
To find yourself and
Happiness.
Peace within
Brings peace around you.
Forget perfection.
Be the best YOU can be
Stop comparing
To others.
Learn from your
Good and Bad days.
When you choose to learn,
Fear weakens within.
Then LIFE can truly
Begin.

~A

Posted in creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, emergency, empath life, faith, life, poetry, storage, urgent

9/6: The Flame

It holds fast,
One lonely flame
Surrounded by giants.
Guardians of peace.
It keeps alive to fulfill
The wishes whispered
Into its flame.
Its purpose is served.
Quiet prayers
Words meant for
No one but
The Powers that be.
And as the flickering of the flame
Signifies the dying of its light,
The slow death of one
Inspires
Another to awaken
To life.

~APA

Posted in anxiety, C-PTSD, cats, chronic pain, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, empath life, health, housing, job hunting, life, Personal, PTSD, storage

8/24: Future Housing (and #crowdfunding still)

(and also still #crowdfunding like a madwoman)

Because of various reasons, I’m back to looking at apartments with a modest market rate budget… not knowing what kind of job I’ll get, how much I’ll be making, etc. As soon as I’m able, I need to move out of my current temporary space and back into something of my own. There are a number of reasons for this, but I’ll leave most of that alone here.

I am very much a solitary person. Introvert, borderline anti-social at times… Me and my cat. And my stuff.

I have friends in the area who have made suggestions for neighborhoods. I appreciate these suggestions, but there are reasons… the top one being my mental and emotional health.

So, here’s one scenario:

Ideal job location: Downtown or very close in, on MAX or Streetcar line.

To go with this ideal job locale, I need to find a studio apartment that is in a moderate range for market rate apartments. The $800-$1200 range is where I’m looking. That, for close in, is at the low end of market rate buildings.

The factors that play into this decision:

  • Anxiety on public transit.
    • Partly from my C-PTSD and not wanting any form of touch around men if I can help it.
    • General “Empath who can’t block worth shit” issues. Crowded trains and buses are a problem for me.
  • Disabilities.
    • Walking 1/2 a mile to a bus stop that may not even have a bench is a problem. Staying close to a MAX or streetcar stop is ideal for my physical disabilities.
  • Travel Times.
    • In order for me to be able to balance work and possibly finishing school and doing other things such as my writing and all, a short commute is my goal. Working on artistic things will also help my anxiety. Finishing school will be a HUGE load off my back.
  • I also have to look at newer buildings… built within the past 10-15 years, preferably. Why? I’m allergic to mold. My asthma is bad enough, dammit. Older buildings are a risk.

Another idea that friends have bandied about is the idea of getting a room in a house with friends or others… My response is a huge, fat NO.

Of the handful of roommate/houseguest (either me as the guest, like right now, or having a temporary houseguest) situations I’ve had over the years, only ONE was without tension or conflict. Hell, that psychotic bitch in Chicago still owes me the $1000 she said she was going to (even had a written contract as to such… never fucking happened… but it’s too long ago and 2000 miles away for me to track her sorry ass down and take her to court). Any time I’m living under the same roof as others, save for one temporary experience, shit goes wrong, tempers flare, etc, etc.

As an Empath, I need to be able to close my front door, turn on some music, and be able to move about my space, from bedroom to kitchen to bathroom to living room space, freely. And Portia needs to be able to be with me in all those spaces. Right now, she has problems as she can’t come to the kitchen with me… same for the bathroom… Anyone who has pets knows how they love following you to the toilet. Must be there with you at all times. Without a second cat to keep her company, she’s Velcro-Kitty for me. I must be in her line of sight at nearly all times. When I leave this room, she waits by the door for me to return.


So, I’m looking at places. I have a few ‘bookmarked’ on the Apartments .com website… my top pick doesn’t have floorplans on their website or on the above-named site. I need floorplans.

Now to just get a decent job.


Alternate scenario: Say, I get a job out in Hillsboro. Then, I’ll either deal with a longer commute, but a reverse one, living close in and working out there… or I’ll find a place out there and again stick to the “live close to work” principle. I’d still prefer working downtown.


Yes, there is tension in my current situation. One half of the couple wants this room back to get it prepped for winter (the hot tub needs to be fixed… yes, I’m living in the ‘spa’ room in the house). I’d love to be out of here by my birthday, as I mentioned in my earlier post… but that would take a helluva miracle right now. I’m working on it.


And yes, I still need funds to get storage caught up.

~A

Posted in activism, community, crowdfunding, dragon, emergency, empath life, friends, grad school, history, life, Personal, politics, research, storage, urgent

8/15: Dragon Quandries & #crowdfunding (of course)

(CW: Holocaust)

I’ve wanted to speak on this past weekend’s events, but I’m still stuck on words. I’m pissed that we still have to fight this shit.

Just dealing with this shitstorm quietly (more or less) as an Empath has drained me. I want to write something long on my blog, but I can’t find the strength and energy to do it. My father and most of my uncles served in WWII (those that didn’t were too young). We’ve been through this shit globally and yet there are some who just don’t fucking grasp the concept that they lost those wars… their ancestors or whomever… lost. They lost the Civil War and Nazis lost the Second WW. 

Just a sampling of the shit Nazi-wannabes have done this year alone

In one of my papers for school, I had to pick a maligned group in history and show my research methods and write up a decent summary on what was done to them. Originally, I thought of the Holocaust and the Jews, but realized that was likely a vastly overdone group and one many others likely turned to for similar papers. I still wanted to focus on that time period and what else Nazis did… and found my group: Gays and Lesbians in Europe. I knew the Pink Triangle came out of WWII, but I didn’t know the full extent of the atrocities. Medical experimentation on gay men, including full castration. Women had it only slightly easier, unless they were also Jewish. If they were Jewish Lesbians, they were as good as dead within the week. If they weren’t Jewish, they were still “marked” but kept alive and somewhat free as they were considered “breeding stock” for the Nazis. The pink triangle is the gay and lesbian version of the yellow Star of David patch Jews had to wear.

My professor’s comments on my paper were simple, “Excellent research. I never knew that about what they did during the war.”

In the years since WWII, we’ve had a lot of changes in the US. Some things didn’t change enough. Legally, we have civil rights for nearly everyone, but many want to take some of those back for LGBTQ and PoC.

Some people, however, still haven’t accepted that the Confederacy and the Nazis lost their wars. These are the people we’re fighting today. These are the people who picked up tiki torches and marched on Charlottesville. These are the people who believe anyone not “pure” white and heterosexual should be “put down.” They’re called by different names today, but instead of calling them by all these different names, it all boils down to one name.

Nazis.

They use the salute. They fly the flags of oppression. This is what they are. This is what they should be called.

Germany has learned from its history. Anything to do with Nazism is illegal. No flags, no salute, nothing.

It’s time we set some of the same boundaries. Speak up, as silence will accomplish nothing but letting them win.

~Dragon

Yes, I still need help with storage… any and every bit helps. YouCaring and PayPal.

Posted in activism, bigotry, community, crowdfunding, empath life, faith, life, peace, poetry, politics, sexuality, storage, writing

8/14: Tears

Words fly.
Flames threaten from
One side of the barricade.
The other keeping the flames of
Hate
At bay.
God sheds a tear
Still so much hate
Division.
Violence.
Fear.
Anger.
Messengers of peace
Ignored or
Killed, even.
No one is
Superior or Inferior.
Skin.
Gender.
Sexuality.
Disability.
Equals
But not treated
As equals.
Another tear shed.
The rain is proof of that.

~A

Posted in creativity, dreams, empath life, faith, life, poetry

8/3: Sealed Secrets (#poetry, #crowdfunding)

Dreams abated.
Life has me in a
Stranglehold.
Caught between my past and
What I am to
Become.

Who is that person?
The future does not give
Sneak
Peeks.
It holds those secrets close.
A seal on its contents.

Where will I be in
Five years?
Ten years?
I do not know.
Preferably breathing.
Hopefully more than that.

I wake each day.
Not knowing where that day
Takes me.
The adventure can be small
Or one of great challenges.
But I have to wake up first.

~A

(Yes, still crowdfunding. Any help will do.)

Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, crowdfunding, depression, empath life, homeless, job hunting, life, Personal, storage, urgent

7/25: venting not withheld

What is below is a train of thought venting ramble. I’m frustrated right now. I wasn’t sure of posting this, but I’ve said I’m an open book… this is as raw as it gets without getting graphic about things. I still need to scrounge up funds to cover this month’s storage… a bit over 100… 

***

I want to scream
I want to cry
I want to tell the world to fuck off but I stay silent
I want to grab my things and run but I am stuck
Society tells me that I am a failure despite my friends telling me otherwise yet
I cannot find a job
I have no savings
I don’t even have enough to pay my storage unit
I want to curl up into a ball and shut the world out but I can’t because I need to be a bit social just to get by
I want to face people around me and scream at them tell them they do not own me but I find it difficult to confront people because that isn’t who I am
I tend to keep my head down and just do what I need to do to get by even when it isn’t enough which is frustrating because I don’t feel I’m getting anywhere
I’m stagnant which leads to more frustration and more reasons to want to scream…

Posted in creativity, depression, empath life, history, Personal, poetry

7/22: passing through

Brief moments.
Catch a glimpse of a
Memory.
Did that person really exist?
Why did I not ask that question?
Regret sits.
Waiting for me.
His finely tailored suit
With seams crisp.
Regret’s wingtip shoes
Tapping a familiar beat on the
Floor.
I know it, but can’t place the tune.
He waits for me to invite him in.
To wonder ‘what if I…’
So he can swoop in and weigh me down.
I know he is there.
I have fought him off many times before.
I am conscious of the damage he can inflict.
I wonder of things I will never learn of the answers.
I look to the past.
To learn.
To know whatever I am able to know.
I do not invite him in.
Nevertheless, he waits.
My door will never open for him.

~A