Posted in activism, community, crowdfunding, dragon, emergency, empath life, friends, grad school, history, life, Personal, politics, research, storage, urgent

8/15: Dragon Quandries & #crowdfunding (of course)

(CW: Holocaust)

I’ve wanted to speak on this past weekend’s events, but I’m still stuck on words. I’m pissed that we still have to fight this shit.

Just dealing with this shitstorm quietly (more or less) as an Empath has drained me. I want to write something long on my blog, but I can’t find the strength and energy to do it. My father and most of my uncles served in WWII (those that didn’t were too young). We’ve been through this shit globally and yet there are some who just don’t fucking grasp the concept that they lost those wars… their ancestors or whomever… lost. They lost the Civil War and Nazis lost the Second WW. 

Just a sampling of the shit Nazi-wannabes have done this year alone

In one of my papers for school, I had to pick a maligned group in history and show my research methods and write up a decent summary on what was done to them. Originally, I thought of the Holocaust and the Jews, but realized that was likely a vastly overdone group and one many others likely turned to for similar papers. I still wanted to focus on that time period and what else Nazis did… and found my group: Gays and Lesbians in Europe. I knew the Pink Triangle came out of WWII, but I didn’t know the full extent of the atrocities. Medical experimentation on gay men, including full castration. Women had it only slightly easier, unless they were also Jewish. If they were Jewish Lesbians, they were as good as dead within the week. If they weren’t Jewish, they were still “marked” but kept alive and somewhat free as they were considered “breeding stock” for the Nazis. The pink triangle is the gay and lesbian version of the yellow Star of David patch Jews had to wear.

My professor’s comments on my paper were simple, “Excellent research. I never knew that about what they did during the war.”

In the years since WWII, we’ve had a lot of changes in the US. Some things didn’t change enough. Legally, we have civil rights for nearly everyone, but many want to take some of those back for LGBTQ and PoC.

Some people, however, still haven’t accepted that the Confederacy and the Nazis lost their wars. These are the people we’re fighting today. These are the people who picked up tiki torches and marched on Charlottesville. These are the people who believe anyone not “pure” white and heterosexual should be “put down.” They’re called by different names today, but instead of calling them by all these different names, it all boils down to one name.

Nazis.

They use the salute. They fly the flags of oppression. This is what they are. This is what they should be called.

Germany has learned from its history. Anything to do with Nazism is illegal. No flags, no salute, nothing.

It’s time we set some of the same boundaries. Speak up, as silence will accomplish nothing but letting them win.

~Dragon

Yes, I still need help with storage… any and every bit helps. YouCaring and PayPal.

Posted in activism, bigotry, community, crowdfunding, empath life, faith, life, peace, poetry, politics, sexuality, storage, writing

8/14: Tears

Words fly.
Flames threaten from
One side of the barricade.
The other keeping the flames of
Hate
At bay.
God sheds a tear
Still so much hate
Division.
Violence.
Fear.
Anger.
Messengers of peace
Ignored or
Killed, even.
No one is
Superior or Inferior.
Skin.
Gender.
Sexuality.
Disability.
Equals
But not treated
As equals.
Another tear shed.
The rain is proof of that.

~A

Posted in creativity, dreams, empath life, faith, life, poetry

8/3: Sealed Secrets (#poetry, #crowdfunding)

Dreams abated.
Life has me in a
Stranglehold.
Caught between my past and
What I am to
Become.

Who is that person?
The future does not give
Sneak
Peeks.
It holds those secrets close.
A seal on its contents.

Where will I be in
Five years?
Ten years?
I do not know.
Preferably breathing.
Hopefully more than that.

I wake each day.
Not knowing where that day
Takes me.
The adventure can be small
Or one of great challenges.
But I have to wake up first.

~A

(Yes, still crowdfunding. Any help will do.)

Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, crowdfunding, depression, empath life, homeless, job hunting, life, Personal, storage, urgent

7/25: venting not withheld

What is below is a train of thought venting ramble. I’m frustrated right now. I wasn’t sure of posting this, but I’ve said I’m an open book… this is as raw as it gets without getting graphic about things. I still need to scrounge up funds to cover this month’s storage… a bit over 100… 

***

I want to scream
I want to cry
I want to tell the world to fuck off but I stay silent
I want to grab my things and run but I am stuck
Society tells me that I am a failure despite my friends telling me otherwise yet
I cannot find a job
I have no savings
I don’t even have enough to pay my storage unit
I want to curl up into a ball and shut the world out but I can’t because I need to be a bit social just to get by
I want to face people around me and scream at them tell them they do not own me but I find it difficult to confront people because that isn’t who I am
I tend to keep my head down and just do what I need to do to get by even when it isn’t enough which is frustrating because I don’t feel I’m getting anywhere
I’m stagnant which leads to more frustration and more reasons to want to scream…

Posted in creativity, depression, empath life, history, Personal, poetry

7/22: passing through

Brief moments.
Catch a glimpse of a
Memory.
Did that person really exist?
Why did I not ask that question?
Regret sits.
Waiting for me.
His finely tailored suit
With seams crisp.
Regret’s wingtip shoes
Tapping a familiar beat on the
Floor.
I know it, but can’t place the tune.
He waits for me to invite him in.
To wonder ‘what if I…’
So he can swoop in and weigh me down.
I know he is there.
I have fought him off many times before.
I am conscious of the damage he can inflict.
I wonder of things I will never learn of the answers.
I look to the past.
To learn.
To know whatever I am able to know.
I do not invite him in.
Nevertheless, he waits.
My door will never open for him.

~A

Posted in animal advocacy, cats, empath life, family, friends, grief, nature, Personal

7/21: The Passing of Pets

A friend of mine is giving one of her cats a final day worthy of a king. I wish I’d had that chance with JoJo… and with Jack. But when they both died, I just didn’t have enough time to do that for them. JoJo would have been gone before morning, so I made the choice to free her of her pain from CHF. Jack’s kidneys were shutting down. Acute Renal Failure. I made that choice as well, back in 2010. There was no guarantee of a good life if I had opted for the surgery. Even if I could have afforded the expensive surgery. I was inconsolable both times. But I knew it was the right thing to do. To not let them suffer.

My friend’s cat has cancer. Several masses in his abdomen. In the time she’s had him, she has done everything in her power to show him love. He was scared. He knows love now. And he will pass on tomorrow being loved.

I know people who don’t have pets, don’t want pets, and don’t consider them ‘part of a family’ …. they’re “just” animals. I kinda feel sorry for those people. For me and many others, our pets are the closest thing we have to unconditional love. I’ve had many periods where I’ve contemplated suicide, even in the last couple of years, and my cats have been what has saved me… what pulled me out from that thinking.

We create a bond with our pets. Well some of us do. I know people who have pets and don’t grasp the concept of creating a bond and meeting the animal halfway in creating that bond. They also say, “it’s just a cat/dog…”

We bring these animals into our lives, share our space with them, give and receive love with them. We know we will (usually) outlive them. As an Empath, at the beginning of the year I knew JoJo wasn’t going to survive 2017. I had this distinct feeling I would lose her before too long. A month later, I made the decision to relieve her of the pain of fluid in her chest cavity crushing her lungs, causing pain. I wish she had stayed around longer, but I knew it was time.

Those of us who bond with our pets know when compassion beats the desire to keep them around for our own sake. It’s a bitch of a decision, but when they’re in pain, it’s a decision we have to make.

My heart, with my own loss this year, goes out to my friend with her cat, Ghost. Jack and JoJo are waiting for him at the Rainbow Bridge. Along with all of those cats and dogs we’ve lost. They’re waiting for him… and ultimately for us one day to join them, pain free.

~A

Posted in empath life, family, friends, life, Personal, poetry

7/16: Lifetimes

(This may not be complete…)

As we part ways
Know we will meet again
Somewhere, some day.
We are not lost to time.
This life or the next.
Our bond will survive.
Who are we but
A pair of travellers
Meant to pass through
Each others lives for a while.
Not to stay for all of time.
To bring joy.
Laughter.
Balance.
To one another.
Each time we meet.

Posted in anxiety, community, crowdfunding, empath life, family, friends, grief, life, Personal, storage, urgent

7/15: Panic Attacks, Cat Food, and Storage…

Cat food first. Don’t ask. I don’t need dry food for Portia or anything. She has that. I also have some cans. But she’s been getting canned for dinner the last few days and is now barely eating her kibble.

Brat.

Not like it’s some cheap kibble either… Granted, the canned food (and the squash baby food I’m mixing in with it for… reasons. And yes, this is a vet-approved method) is helping her and I’m sure it’s pretty tasty stuff… but I can’t afford a lot of it. I wish. Maybe once I’m working I can go with more canned food.


Storage: I’m now halfway through the month and haven’t gotten enough to pay them. I don’t want to resort to begging, but I’m trying to keep this from getting backed up… I’ll have roughly half, but nowhere near enough. PP is the only method I’m using at this point, if anyone is so inclined to help. I need to get interview shoes and stuff out of there sooner rather than later.


Panic Attacks: I’ve been doing pretty good lately. Mostly general mood shit getting to me when I’m on transit (being an Empath who can’t block sucks ass). But then last night happened. My heart rate shot up, my chest tightened, and I was having difficulty breathing. All of this basically out of nowhere. When this kind of thing happens like this, it usually means something has happened to someone I’m connected to, such as family. I have yet to see anything come down from any cousins, so I don’t know if anyone has died. But considering most of my remaining aunts and uncles are in their late 80’s and 90’s, this is an inevitable thing to happen.

So this was one time I really needed my inhalers. Problem? They were in a bag of first aid supplies I’d left at Gearcon, but were safe with my friends who run it. Thankfully they’re night owls, so they found the bag and ran it over to me at nearly midnight. I am thankful for good friends. I can say that once I dug my inhalers out and took a couple of puffs from each, I was able to breathe much better. Between them and the valium I took, I was able to come back down from the attack.


I was going to talk about relationships… but I think that needs to be a separate post… if you’re curious about it, look up the recent articles about why Sherman Alexie has canceled the rest of his book tour. Familial relationships are hard to write or talk about… and the article I read on his situation reminded me a LOT about my relationship with my own mother who died in 2013 from End-stage Alzheimer’s. I may compose my thoughts and write on that later.

~A

Posted in anxiety, chronic pain, community, depression, domestic abuse, dreams, empath life, eviction, faith, feminism, grief, history, LGBTQIA Pride, life, peace, Personal, PTSD, sexual assault

7/4: Open Book

After our internet came back up (finally), I was musing on a conversation I had over the weekend. I am very open about who I am, where I’ve been, what I’ve done, what I’ve been through.

What I’ve survived.

So I wrote a short post.

And then I decided to turn it into word art. Found an image that fit (and could use) and added the words to become the featured image above.

I am a survivor of a lot of life stuff. I share much of that history… my experiences and lessons learned…  with anyone who wishes to listen.

My life is my journey. This blog gives me a voice to share that journey.

… and so it continues.

~Amanda

Posted in adoption, animal advocacy, cats, cosplay, creativity, empath life, homeless, life, Personal, poverty line, storage

6/30: Feline Bonds 

JoJo and I had this incredible bond the 14 years she loved with me. Since she passed away in February, Portia has stepped up in her own quirky way. She’s still a total dork, but curls up (read: SPRAWLS) on my chest when I’m in bed. 

She isn’t exactly a small or lightweight cat, weighing in around the 14lb mark. I’ve determined she’s likely at least half Maine Coon. Her size and varied coat lengths are a good indicator. She purrs when she eats, shows some signs of stress when I’m stressed. Not as obvious as JoJo was, but I see indicators. 

I’ve been working on a last minute leather cincher to wear this weekend at GearCon. Drafting the pattern, tweaking things, punching holes for rivets and small grommets. It isn’t done, but I’m hauling my whole crazy mess to con with me. I’m assisting mostly in the staff lounge… I tend to be the one to “babysit” the space, as I’m content to just be stationary. 

I’ve been running around all week and am also concerned I don’t have the full $280 for storage. I’ll have a bit over half when pay from two tasks from earlier this week post to my account. I think I can pay partial while I don’t owe previous months. 

So, Portia got what I think was a small hairball. This is a rare thing for her. She usually just mats. But she has been grooming more this week. She needs a companion, but the cat of the house is still uneasy about her (I think they’ll be fine with monitored rounds), and I’m in no shape, financially or home-wise, to adopt another right now.

We will see what happens…

~Amanda