Posted in C-PTSD, chronic pain, creativity, depression, empath life, eviction, food cravings, friends, grad school, health, history, homeless, job hunting, life, medical, Personal, research, silliness, storage

9/21: Like I Really Need to Write More on Here Today… SQUIRREL!!! (shit)

*sigh* It feels strange to NOT be begging for help after the last several days. I would say the last week-ish has been madness for me. I went from “great! I’m gonna get back to school and finish my degree!” to Cluster(fuck) Headache for 6 days, then that resolved, then “oh shit, storage!!! help!”

No wonder I’m freaking exhausted right now. I think most people would just curl up into a ball after the past 8 days. Actually, I kinda want to do that. I also want Thai food… and Hot & Sour Soup. I LOVE me some really good H&S soup. It better be a bowl of incredible goodness that can clear the magma chambers of Mt St. Helens… nice and hot. Dammit.

I had nothing left… well, not enough to order food via Postmates. Also, they’re being assholes with my debit card… sooo…. yeah. I ended up with Annie’s Gluten Free Mac & Cheese… microwave M&C… it’s decent… but it isn’t Pad Thai and H&S soup.

In case anyone who reads this blog hasn’t noticed, 2017 has really, REALLY SUCKED for me. And I’m not even bringing political fuckery into that picture.

Oh… yeah… when I’m tired, I get all rambly… like now.

Someone sent me a message request on FB… asking if there was a way for me to split my stuff up and have friends store it. I still haven’t accepted his message (I will, really) and replied, but this is my answer in case anyone else was wondering the same thing: No one I know has the room. Two friends (well, married pairs of friends, so four friends, technically)

Oh look… SQUIRREL!!!!

Where was I? Oh yeah… friends of mine are holding a few bins of fabric from when I had tried to downsize a previous storage unit and hauled them back to my apartment… and then the management said “no… you can’t have all those in your apartment… it’s a fire hazard” … welp… fuck. I need to get those bins back from said friends (one pair has asked when that would be possible… ummm.. when I can make enough room in storage?).

One must understand geeks/creatives like me. We have “stuff” … a lot of “stuff.” Some of the “stuff” in storage can be (and will be… once I can reach it) downsized, trashed, etc. Some will get sold off… I really don’t need three sets of speakers. One set… one is good. I have a buyer for one pair… some furniture will be broken down and trashed… I kinda beat them up a bit during the eviction. Sadly.  That really was a nice sideboard… it would just need a lot of shoring up with metal bits to hold it together (which I could realistically do… not sure yet)

(don’t mind me… my brain is bouncing around between ‘things’ as I type… this is kinda ‘stream of consciousness’ blogging when I’m like this)

I don’t have the physical energy (yay for chronic pain/fatigue… NOT!!!) to tackle my storage unit alone. I get a few feet in and I need to sit my ass down and rest. I am not joking.

This has been a wild week. Still need to play catch up with school stuff (thinking of taking my Chromebook, Kindle, and iPod with me tomorrow and alternate between school things and working on storage… I’d be offline, as it’s one huge steel and concrete building… signal? What signal? Psshhh).

One of the many things I am grateful for with this week is an answer to the issue of my headaches. The fact that it responded well to oxygen therapy is HUGE for me. I’ve been on birth control to help manage hormones, as they were presenting after every other month’s cycle. We chalked it up to wonky hormones and have been managing them that way. But even if hormones are affecting them, the headaches are something else. I looked up “one sided headaches” and cluster headaches were the clearest answer. While migraines and tension headaches can present on one side, they tend to be present on either side, and mine have always been on the right. Cluster headaches are always one sided and most commonly on the right. No one really knows what causes them. I looked at a few medical sites. But oxygen therapy helps them. Seriously, it fucking WORKED. 15 minutes breathing pure oxygen made the vast majority of the pain go away (I also have TMJ pain, so that wasn’t helping either).

Medical stuff is one of the “big uglies” that has impeded my life. If I even tried to list the shit I’ve been through that has sidelined me for some length of time… I know I’d forget something. Big things, little things… everything from Cellulitis to breaking a toe… This year, it was the eviction, which exacerbated my back injury, knee injuries, drove me deeper into depression, sidelined schooling and job hunting to some degree… I’m not fully out of the woods, but feeling better. It’s been a shit year, but I’m slowly climbing back out of the abyss.

With a little help from my friends (and a few strangers online).

When I got back from my errands today (which ended with an eye exam and ordering new glasses… I’m getting old… new pairs will be bifocals… and Voc Rehab is covering them as they are something needed for working), the number of page hits for this little personal blog were higher than I’d ever had since I started blogging. I’ve had different sites/blogs over the years. This is my personal one. I have another one I’m working on starting, but it’ll take me a bit. It’ll be about archives and history. That’s what my grad degree is in. But other than linking to it from here, I want to keep them separate. Last thing I need is potential fellow archives folks (and potential bosses/coworkers) seeing all my personal ramblings…. yeeaaahhhh, no. It was around 172 at the time. Now? 188.

I think I’ve gotten most of the rambling out of my system. That’ll be all for the night… I think.

~A

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Posted in creativity, crowdfunding, dreams, emergency, eviction, friends, grad school, life, Personal, storage, transitions, urgent

9/21: post 1: 12 hours before auction #crowdfunding 

Just for safety sake, let’s go with 11am as the deadline. Could things change? Maybe. I’m trying to BEAT the auction, not bid in it. 

What it will cost: $1025+ lock purchase

What I have: $609(as I was typing this, a donation came in. I now have 709)

What it would coat to replace what is replaceable: at least $15,000, bare minimum. 

After this save, I have school funds coming in that can cover the next few months. It just isn’t going to show in time for this week. I just need a little more help. I’m not perfect. I screw up a lot of things. See you when dawn breaks. Maybe a miracle will happen while I’m trying to sleep.

~A

Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, cats, crowdfunding, emergency, eviction, faith, friends, grad school, homeless, housing, job hunting, life, Personal, society, storage, transitions, urgent

9/20: Laugh While You Can… At What You Can #crowdfunding still

I’ve learned one thing: Find something to laugh about, even during the darkest times.

So, in my last post, I mentioned Portia was sitting next to me… shortly after that went up, I made the mistake of shifting my body and thus my jar of grape flavored water (that was sitting solidly on my pillow, mind you, no jiggling) tipped and spilled all 24 ounces of water onto my narrow bed, going all the way to the mattress. Yup, I’m one of THOSE people… the ones who just can’t seem to get shit going right.

I guess I needed to flip the poor mattress anyway. Everything else went into the basement for laundry. Tonight. I have nothing else to sleep on or under. And this room gets a smidge chilly in the ev- well anytime really… but worse at night. There’s a reason I’m wearing layers of warm clothes even during a heatwave… this room is cold.

Yes, I’m frustrated with myself for it. I spaced on the fact that the water was still there. But I’m also laughing at myself over it. I have to. It’s a survival mechanism. I taught it to my dad while we were dealing with my mother’s Alzheimer’s… and I use it to deal with the super-shitty year I’ve had. Being homeless sucks… no matter how your situation is, whether you have friends to stay with like me, or you have a tent or are in a long term shelter… it sucks. The tension, feeling of not knowing how or when you’re going to finally land on your feet… it’s hell. And when you have a dependent, whether it’s a child or a pet, it gets even harder.

I hold onto the things of my life, my past, and my hopeful future… much of which is in storage. It’s all I have left. Hence why I’m trying to save it.

~A

Posted in chronic pain, crowdfunding, depression, friends, grad school, health, life, medical, Personal, storage

9/20: Two: wheee!! & #crowdfunding 

Yes, annoying #crowdfunding chatter. Still holding at needing $400. PayPal is the only way to go right now. Share (and encourage others to share) even if you can’t donate. 

So, today is technically Day 7 of the Cluster(fuck) Headache. After oxygen treatment yesterday, I still had some pain, partly from my TMJ. But one scrip strength Aleve a couple hours ago has knocked that down to virtually nothing. 

I can function today!

Trust me, this is huge. Trying -and wanting desperately- to get caught up on school,  but bogged down with extreme pain, makes life frustrating. Not gonna do anything super active, but functioning is good. Very good.

~A

Posted in anxiety, chronic pain, crowdfunding, depression, emergency, grad school, health, life, medical, Personal, storage, urgent

9/18: Normally… I’d be #crowdfunding

Normally at this point with needing funding, I’d be posting several times a day, asking everyone to share, etc, etc (and encouraging their friends to also share)… but I’m on Day Five of a Cluster(fuck) Headache. I wrapped a piece of fabric around my head to cover my right eye because it hurts to use it… I need to get the rest of the 1025 before Thursday morning. I estimate I have about half… if the folks who said they will help come through. If not, I’m super-stuck. (also, PayPay only at this point… YouCaring will take too long)

On top of the headache from hell, I had a panic attack strike while out. I went to the doctor to deal with the headache (and a lovely rash… I’ll spare you the details on that), and went to pick up meds (this mess added to my stress) and kleenex. Between the anxiety and my C-PTSD kicking in due to people getting WAY too close (if any closer, at least one of them would’ve had my elbow lodged in his throat). I got back here to the house and broke down. My BP, which normally stays low even when my heart races, was high. Meds have been taken to bring things down… but they still don’t really help the headache.

I also have school things to get done this evening, although I may ask for an extra day due to medical issues. I’m already in catch-up mode anyway.

The doc I saw said that oxygen therapy is one thing that helps cluster headaches. Since it didn’t feel really bad at the time, I declined it for today… I shouldn’t have. If it’s still bad tomorrow, I may call and ask about coming back down for some oxygen and see if it helps.

So, beyond all of that, I am still asking for help. Every little bit helps. I don’t see school funds showing up in time. I’m on academic probation, but the process… yeesh, the process. I’ll call them in the morning and find out what’s going on. But for now, to save all my belongings, I need a little more help. Once school funds show, if they do the full amount, I should be okay for a while until I get work. We’ll see.

More to come… as long as my headache allows it.

~A

Posted in asexuality, cats, chronic pain, cosplay, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, emergency, grad school, LGBTQIA Pride, life, Personal, storage

9/16: Saturday Check in & #crowdfunding

Still #crowdfunding. Not sure when school funds will show, so I can’t count on them. I have until 9/21 (preferably the day before) to get the full $1025 (will have about half, I think, by Monday) before auction. Auction is at noon 9/21. Please share even if you can’t donate.

I’ve been quiet due to a few things: catching up and managing shit for school stuff. Getting my headaches from hell. Etc.

I’ve long believed my headaches were a combo of tension and migraine, but Cluster Headache actually fits what I get better. Predominately on one side of the head, can last for days, etc… I don’t get auras or the usual stuff of migraines… so I think it’s more Cluster with a little Tension thrown in. And yes, I still have it. Been battling it since about Thursday. They tend to be triggered by hormone imbalances (the girly ones)… so I’m on birth control to manage them. I’m a week out from my next shot (I get Depo every three months) and the headache is VERY obvious right now.


In other “news” I’m developing a new Fursona. If y’all haven’t figured out I’m a Furry by now… may Bast help you. My primary one has been Jaeli, who is a character from one of my manuscripts. Still love her, but with my lioness fursuit of Zumai (the Cowardly Lioness), I wanted to develop a fun, toony character.

Her name is Aili (AY-lee) and she’s a Calico kitty with Ace/Asexual flag colors (black, grey, white, and purple). She is asexual like me, and she loves being a total ham. I’ll be commissioning a partial suit of her from a local friend and I’m going to try my hand and drawing her ref sheet.


I’ve had so many topics floating around in my head the last few days, but every time I’m able to write them down, I’ve lost the idea. So, you just have a catch-up thread for now.

~A

Posted in anxiety, community, crowdfunding, emergency, eviction, friends, grad school, history, homeless, life, Personal, storage, urgent

9/12: Sentimentality (and #crowdfunding)

Yes, this involves #crowdfunding. Despite what the YC campaign says, I’m about the halfway point, as two people have promised funds (and I do have a little). At least I hope the second one will be able to. But this is about why it’s important for me to save what’s in storage.

After my mother died, my dad told me on the phone that I could have her ashes as I was “the sentimental one” in the family. Yeah, I am. I think that goes along with being fascinated with history, both global and personal. I want to hold onto old things and give them respect as they’re due. Some of the items in storage are from my own history, such as my coffee table. To replace it at all would take 4 figures. It’s a mid-century modern table from a well-known American company. I’ve had it since I was 17.

A friend on Facebook asked me recently how much would it cost to replace everything in there. Well, there are some things that can’t just be replaced. Costumes and fabric. Much to the surprise of some, fabric tends to be cyclical. You may not see it in the stores 3 months from now, let alone 3 years. My costumes are custom to fit me, in most cases. I have no pattern for some of them as my mother was the kind of person who just knew how to make something… sometimes she made a pattern, sometimes not. Clothes, shoes, etc.. yeah, they could be replaced with something newer in most cases.

Then you get to my collections. To replace those would run me into 5 figures. Likely 15-20K. Some things can’t be replaced. Too rare, too old, etc. The collection of my father’s 78’s of very old opera recordings cannot.

So a lot of people balk at the amount I need to save my storage unit from auction, but when I explain the replacement costs, they usually go silent. I would never be able to replace everything, and what is replaceable will cost me more than the $1100 I need to save it. I have tried -come close- to making each month’s rent, but fell short each time… and it adds up over three months with late fees.


In other news, I’ve gotten the all-clear for returning to school. I have a lot of catching up to do, as we’re in the 3rd or 4th week now. 4th I think. The only hurdle left is a piece of paper for financial aid. It’s been a long road, but I feel good about getting it done.

~A

Posted in anxiety, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, emergency, grad school, homeless, job hunting, life, Personal, poetry, semicolon, storage, urgent, writing

9/8: Stand Still

(#crowdfunding as usual. I wasn’t intending to post a poem, but the words and the image in my mind wouldn’t go away. This is how I feel right now. Unedited. Unsure.)

Brace myself.
The wind may come
Unexpectedly.
Knocking me down.
Frozen.
Stuck.
I cannot turn around.
Things to do but nothing
Propels me
Forward.
One path blocked.
I look down another seemingly
Open path.
So many hurdles
Hidden.
The fog keeps them a secret.
Another path.
Alas, too steep to climb.
Another washed out.
Where do I go?
I stand still.
Unsure of my path.
At a
Standstill.

~A

Posted in bugaboos, community, creativity, crowdfunding, dragon, emergency, eviction, friends, genealogy, grad school, history, homeless, housing, job hunting, life, music, Personal, research, storage, urgent, writing

9/6: No Soul-Sucking Allowed, Dammit (but #crowdfunding is)

I started this on Facebook, but opted to bring it over here. And yes, still #crowdfunding to get funds to save storage. 

This is only slightly tongue-in-cheek. Slightly.

My ideal work environment: not dealing with random humans. The occasional co-worker might be okay. I’m currently feeling a smidge Dragonish (i.e. anti-social), so occasional contact is okay.

And no cubicle farms. No/few phones. Email is preferred. I don’t stumble over my words as much. Also my foot doesn’t end up in my mouth as much. 

And not soul-sucking work. I’d like to keep my soul intact for a few more years. At least until I turn 50. Five more years is all I ask.

Let me enter data, do creative-ish things like websites or social media, have a variety of tasks/projects. Research. Gimme things to research. I lurv research. Just not medical, as they want bio degrees. I don’t have one of those. Research and write things. 

Pays well enough for me to move into a market rate studio close-in and cram the rest of my stuff into a smaller storage unit again. Also be able to pay for storage, utilities, Netflix and Hulu again, and eat without needing food stamps. Oh, and put money into savings and pay off a few bills.

*   *   *   *   *   *

Yeah… that shit would take a fucking miracle. I’m screwed.

~Dragon 

(Below is what I need to not lose my storage. Before the 15th)