Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, depression, dreams, eviction, grad school, homeless, job hunting, life, Personal, storage, student life

6/17: Falling Apart

I’m not totally sure what to do anymore. I have no back up, no resources. Remember: I’m homeless, jobless, and disabled. Trying to finish grad school has become an impossible feat. I owe nearly 5K to my school because I had to withdraw from my classes last term. I got a letter recently (I check my PO Box about once a week) saying if I don’t send something (and where is this money coming from?) before the 26th, it’ll go to collections.

So I’m at a loss. I’ve worked at this degree for nearly three years and the last two terms, due to depression and the eviction stress, I’ve tanked. Hard. I talked with my advisor and decided on just doing the one credit wrap-up capstone… but it’s one credit and financial aid only covers 5+ credits. I don’t have the funds to pay for one credit. I’m about ready to say, “sign me up for 5-6 credits for the fall term… fuck this, I’m going for the certificate.” Summer term has already started.

Maybe I’d get enough funds to pay off the school and a new term. Not sure.

So, here’s why I’m pissed off… they know I’m trying to finish the degree. There’s a damn good reason I’ve needed financial aid. I’ll try calling them next week and try to deal with this. Explain that with the debt, I can’t finish my degree… but I’m unemployed and fucking homeless so how the fuck am I going to come up with 5K??

I’ll call them next week and see what I can do. I don’t have the money. I’m trying to sell stuff out of storage so I can pay next month’s storage rent of a mere $280 (mere compared to 5K).

The letter from them states that enrollment will be frozen while I still have outstanding debts… I need a miracle of some sort. At the very least a small one to keep me from losing it while on the phone with them next week.

I’m frustrated. Partly with school, but mostly with myself and my life. I can’t fully put my finger on the WHY of the mess my life has become. I can’t blame it fully on either myself or “society.” Believe me, I wish I could figure it out. I wish I had that answer.

But it eludes me.

~Amanda

Posted in Personal, music, bugaboos, depression, eviction, community, homeless, friends, anxiety, silliness

6/11: Sunday Evening Rambling

This may end up one subject or multiple subjects… depending on my train of thought. As I’ve said in the past, I rarely edit blog posts…


I’m a solitary person. I’ve had roommates, etc. Some okay, some… well… I won’t air dirty laundry such as that on here. Just be safe in the knowledge that I’ve had a few “roommates from hell” in my life.

While I’m eternally grateful to those who have helped me and those who’ve taken me in during this period in my life, I am the kind of person who is not inherently social. I need to shut the door and shut out a lot of negative stuff… even if people don’t think it’s negative… the core emotion/vibe under anything exciting, happy, nervous, etc is tense and anxiety attack producing for me.

I have no interest in living with others on a long-term basis. I need my own place where I control my environment. My kitchen, my bathroom, my living space, my rules.

I just need a good job to get me there. The sooner the better.


Music of most genres have helped me survive so much in my life. This is why I’m sharing my little playlist on YT. There are other things on that playlist, such as Robin Williams and clips from movies and shows, but the hint of variety there may give you an idea of me and what speaks to my soul as a music lover and musician.

My ever changing YouTube playlist 

I want to write more on this, but I can’t seem to find the words right now.


I think that’s all I can do right now… more later…

Posted in food cravings, friends, homeless, Personal, silliness, storage

6/5: Digging through Storage

I took the bookcases, rollerblades, decorative bowl and a bin of stuff I’ve accumulated since I was initially locked out of storage mid-March back to storage today with some help (and a vehicle). My goal today was to dig through the area just to the left of the door. My mattress was on the coffee table along with a bunch of other things… so today, mattress got dragged out, coffee table pulled out. Smaller items taking up real estate at waist high for me got tossed, shoved, crammed, etc into spaces further back where there was room for small things. I checked the drawers of the taller dresser in case there was anything I really needed from them (there wasn’t)… and then started loading things in.

I moved one of the huge waxed produce boxes back there, then loaded other boxes on top, then other things on those boxes. Shoved the mattress into a new spot (I really should ‘invest’ in one of those mattress bags or something to keep the poor thing from getting any dirtier), and put the bookcases and bins in front of it to keep it upright.

By the time the hall was empty -save for the piano bench and folding table I set up for small stuff- I had a little bit of floor real estate left. There’s still a long way to go. But it felt good to finally tackle something beyond the space just inside the door. Some broken items came back with me, along with my laundry basket (I had brought my wheeled hamper with me and with a flight of stairs between me and the machines, I felt the basket would be much easier) and a jar of pickle relish.

I have showered (much deserved and very welcome) and am now in my penguin footie pajamas… with little-to-no intention of going anywhere.

I’m just craving food I can’t afford and shouldn’t have because it isn’t gluten-free…. it sucks when you get sick from eating something that’s in nearly everything on this planet that tastes good… such as fried chicken. I know I can get “breaded” GF chicken nuggets and stuff, but honest-to-God crunchy-skinned juicy fried chicken (Popeyes over KFC)? Nope. Haven’t seen anything yet that comes close and is gluten-free. There are moments when I do something I shouldn’t… such as getting fried chicken. But I also don’t have the funds to get it, so the craving will wait.

~Amanda

Posted in anxiety, bigotry, depression, empath life, homeless, life, peace, Personal, politics, PTSD

6/3: Anger and Burnout

There is this part of me that wants to speak up… to bring up points on others’ threads that the vast majority of “terrorist” attacks here in the US have been perpetuated by white male assholes…. that no, 45 isn’t doing shit to keep us safe… when in reality, he’s encouraging that white male hate, bigotry and violence.
This part of me wants to scream at his supporters and those who are in-between and in denial about his bullshit to just fucking wake up and see that he’s screwing over them as well as the whole damn planet. He is the laughingstock of the political world except to those Repubs who are either blindly following him or knowingly using his idiocy to their advantage. I want to shake them. I want them to wake up and try to understand how this all works.
But I’m tired. I have my own shit to deal with in my life. I struggle to find work. I have lost more in the last five years, than in the previous ten combined. Both parents, my beloved soulmate kitty, my apartment, and a fair bit of my sanity (or so it feels). I’ve developed social anxiety and delved into a depression I can’t shake. 
I have more days than I’d care to admit where I just want to curl up in a ball and shut the whole world out. But I can’t. I have to stay connected. Job hunting, keeping up on storage, doing stuff here where I’m staying. Trying to muster the energy to keep going.
One might think that at my age, I should have my shit together and know where I fit into society, but I don’t. I see and feel stuff around me and feel even more at odds with where I fit and what’s going on in society.
I want to speak up more, but it drains me. I don’t like arguing with people. I’ve had enough of that in my life before now. I crave peace. Not just for myself, but for all. Is it wrong to wish for that? Is it wrong to want the hate and violence to stop? It keeps going in this vicious cycle. One side attacks the other, then retaliation… and it keeps going around in circles. When does it end? Breaking that circle has to happen… and soon. Nothing will be left to save if we keep letting it go around again and again.
I have my moments…. I want to save the world… or even a part of it… and then I realize I’m one person. I can’t do it all. I have to take care of me and my cat first. But sometimes being an Empath can suck. I want to reach out and help others so much. I just want there to be less pain, less anger.
Less violence.
~Amanda
Posted in animal advocacy, cats, community, dreams, homeless, life, Personal, silliness

5/22: Baby Gates, Cats, and Chickens

As you can possibly tell, this post is not about crowdfunding.

Baby Gates: I have two wood frame baby gates. I stack them one over the other in the doorway so that Portia, my fluffy escape artist, stays in the room. I have to take the top one down to get in and out. Earlier, I was coming back in, took the top one down, and climbed over the both of them. Portia, of course, was in the way. BTW, that brat can clear one gate without touching it.

I moved my bare foot forward, but didn’t know that the latch piece was sticking out… my bare toes hit gate latch. Now, I’m notorious for breaking bones doing the most mundane of things. Like walking on the sidewalk. So far, nothing but some scraped skin… but they do still sting a bit. I would love a better system, but it just ain’t gonna happen.

Speaking of cats… eventually, I will get my shit together, get a decent job, and get my own place again with Portia in tow. Then… I’ll get a second feline to keep her company while I’m off doing whatever job I end up getting. I’ve sworn for years that I’ll only adopt adults. But Portia is taking up JoJo’s DIVA CARD since she passed away in February. She’s showing intolerance for other adult cats.

At the same time, I have zero interest in getting young kittens. I believe, in her life before me, that Portia had at least one litter of kittens. She’s shown an interest in certain things. Indicators to me that she’s been a mommy cat. Coming to the computer when I watch a video with kittens mewing… alert and looking for the kittens in distress…. moving “kittens” (my balled up socks) from one place to another…. all momma cat signs. Again, no interest in little ones.

So, despite my swearing up and down to only adopt adults, I’m thinking someone at the 6 month to one year range may be best. Young enough for her to see as someone to “take under her mommy wing” but not a little one. So, we’ll see. I’m definitely not ready yet. Still between “homes” of my own.

Chickens: A few years back, I worked for a guy who had a couple of chickens in the back yard. When I started working there, his family was out of town (we worked in a home office). He had more eggs than he could handle, so I got to take some super-fresh eggs home one day.

I have never had eggs that fresh before. Holy Frijoles, Batman!! MASSIVE difference from even the “fresh” eggs at the store. No comparison. Seriously.

There’s a neighbor near where I’m staying who has four chickens (and a Corgi who guards them). Whenever I walk past them, I think of how cool it would be to have fresh eggs like that again. So, while I prefer a more urban life in a building with things called elevators, there may come a day when I find myself with a house, or at least a place with a backyard. In that yard, I’d have two things: a Catio attached to the back of the house so my felines at the time can have an outdoor space if they wish, and a coop with a couple of chickens. Maybe do some veggie gardening. Although I have a terrible habit of killing plants… I don’t mean to, it just… happens.

For now, I live the life I have. It isn’t always easy. There are many frustrating and exasperating things. But I’m here.

~Amanda

Posted in crowdfunding, emergency, eviction, family, friends, homeless, life, Personal, storage, urgent

5/16: one last bit for the night (#crowdfunding)

Keep sharing. Donate if ya can, share no matter what. This is nearly everything I own at risk.

Yes, I got two donations. And an unidentified amount will be coming from someone tomorrow. And picking up a writing gig tomorrow. I don’t know where it all stands. I just need to show there will be enough by 6pm pst tomorrow. So he can pull it from the auction listing. The PP is immediate. I have a debit card for it. And no fees taken out. 

That’s it for now. Thank you to everyone who has helped in some way. 

~Amanda 

Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, cats, chronic pain, crowdfunding, dragon, homeless, life, Personal, storage

5/15: Random Dragoning and #crowdfunding

#crowdfunding I’m getting down to the wire here. If anyone has a miracle to spare, feel free. But do keep spreading the word and sharing as many times as you think you can handle.  Trying not to panic, but it’s hard to maintain composure. I don’t know what I can say or do to convince those who come to my blog to donate either via PayPal or YouCaring. I see click-throughs, but no donations. At least nothing from the 7 click-throughs today alone.

Yes, I swear. Yes, I have my super-grumpy moments. If you were in my shoes, you probably would be as well.


Oh, Mondays. I really shouldn’t schedule things on Mondays… especially late in the day. I develop a deep hatred for human beings on mass transit when I’m being crowded out and pushed around… and people can clearly see my cane. I won’t go off in another rant about it. But I witnessed so much disrespect for others today, it was extremely frustrating.


I have a snoring cat next to me. She keeps me grounded and reasonably sane. Just not sure how sane I’ll be if I lose everything I own in auction.


I had a good physical therapy session today. Changed up the exercises, worked on the machines… I won’t get very many sessions, though.

I’m worn out, at least right now. Constantly staying on top of all of this and dealing with the stress of it is wearing me out. Then add all the other things…

I’ll have another poem up tonight… I’ll try not to make it too dreary this time. 🙂

~Amanda

Posted in adoption, animal advocacy, anxiety, bugaboos, cats, crowdfunding, dragon, emergency, family, homeless, life, music, Personal, silliness, storage, urgent

5/14: This time I’ll remember a title (#crowdfunding)

SHHAAAAARREE MEEEE! Pwease?

So I must have been more tired than I thought when I wrote up last night’s blog post. I didn’t realize until this morning when I checked the stats that I’d forgotten to put anything beyond the date (sometimes I put that after I write). Whoops.

The usual stuff: need help saving storage and all my stuff, etc… yes I’m quickly running out of time here. Thursday is the auction and I need to prove I’ll have funds by the time they close the office at 6pm PST Wednesday. Yeah… only a few more days. 

On to other things… there’s the big elelephant in the room. Mother’s Day. My mom passed away from end stage Alzheimer’s (total organ failure, etc) in 2013. But with her disease, this day hasn’t felt like anything special for a lot longer. Before that, it was ‘meh’ as we constantly fought. The two strongest willed people in the family… yeah, fireworks happened… a lot. I never got that mother-adult daughter relationship. It was stolen from me by a disease that hits the caretakers the hardest. She went to her death never seeing me as a strong adult who can do awesome things. She forever saw the four year old teaching herself to play the melody of the Star Spangled Banner on the piano without knowing how to read music, and yet, once learned, my mother actively discouraged me playing it.

I also have a friend or two who don’t think women like me with pets instead of human children should celebrate it as a ‘mom.’ Even being hostile about it and saying they’ll unfriend anyone who wishes a Happy Mother’s Day to women who only have pets.

[Oh shit… Dragon wants a word…]

Look here, hun, just because I chose to not fertilize my damn eggs and put more dragons out there to devour stupid humans does NOT mean I’m not a mom. I pick up more cat shit from one cat alone in her entire life than you do changing diapers. Don’t even start with me. I step on toys, clean up errant cat poop, take her to the vet, feed her the best damn food I can get for her and her specific needs and issues, make sure she’s healthy and happy and clean and know what that furball gives me in return?

Unconditional LOVE. Laughter at her antics. Purr therapy when I’m stressed out. 

I don’t need to bring more like me into this overcrowded world. It’s fucked up enough without more from my gene pool. So, you go do you, be a parent to human children all you damn well please. Just know that I’m over here saving animals and I don’t have to buy them clothes every six months and worry about how I’m gonna pay for their college. I may adopt a human child one day… when I’m damn well ready to do so.

You do you, and leave us pet lovers alone. 

[shoves Dragon off the chair]

“GO BACK TO YOUR CAVE, DRAGON!”

Sorry about that. She can be a handful at times. Anyway….

Sooo… I’m taking things one nerve-wracking day at a time. Job hunting, etc. Never easy, but that’s life.

Nightly poem to be uploaded later….

~Amanda/Dragon

Posted in anxiety, cats, community, crowdfunding, homeless, Personal, storage, urgent

5/13:

Due to last night’s inability to sleep, I’ve been pretty out of it today. I have moments where I think “oh, I want to write about this tomorrow…” and then forget or lose the whole idea completely. I hate constantly begging and asking for help. I hate that all my stuff is locked away and I can’t even go in and get a couple pairs of shoes. Or put stuff in there.

I wish I had a magic wand that could make all of this hell go away. I can’t lose everything I own. So I do still ask. A part of me wishes that someone who reads this has connections to people with large followings on Twitter or Facebook… who would be willing to post and help.

I’m running out of time.

Right now, Portia is sleeping next to me. She loves being wherever I am (or wherever there are people). She can’t join me around therest of the house because some of the area rugs are wool (she’s allergic) and the resident cat and her don’t get along. Yet, here she is sleeping soundly, even snoring a bit.

She keeps me sane, and occasionally exasperated when she decides to plop down right behind me, or stop right in front of me. She’s a dork. But she’s MY dork. My life would be vastly different without the cats I’ve had along the way. And, honestly, I don’t think it would be for the better.

I’m not perfect. I stumble through life a lot. I get anxious being in public, especially crowds. But with Portia and my music, I know I can find my peace again.

I just need the chance to have my music and other stuff saved so I can keep going. And I can’t do that alone right now. Hence asking for help.

I know there’s stuff in there I’ve been considering selling or getting rid of. Once I regain access, I’ll pull stuff and set it in it’s own area. Take pictures and if anyone local (especially if it’s larger) wants it and maybe has helped in some way, it’s theirs. I know I have a few sets of speakers… more than I really need. I know there are other things too… I just need the chance to purge things on my own terms. I can’t do that if the whole thing gets auctioned off.

I’ll get a poem up for the night in a bit… I just hope I sleep tonight.

~Amanda