Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, depression, dreams, eviction, grad school, homeless, job hunting, life, Personal, storage, student life

6/17: Falling Apart

I’m not totally sure what to do anymore. I have no back up, no resources. Remember: I’m homeless, jobless, and disabled. Trying to finish grad school has become an impossible feat. I owe nearly 5K to my school because I had to withdraw from my classes last term. I got a letter recently (I check my PO Box about once a week) saying if I don’t send something (and where is this money coming from?) before the 26th, it’ll go to collections.

So I’m at a loss. I’ve worked at this degree for nearly three years and the last two terms, due to depression and the eviction stress, I’ve tanked. Hard. I talked with my advisor and decided on just doing the one credit wrap-up capstone… but it’s one credit and financial aid only covers 5+ credits. I don’t have the funds to pay for one credit. I’m about ready to say, “sign me up for 5-6 credits for the fall term… fuck this, I’m going for the certificate.” Summer term has already started.

Maybe I’d get enough funds to pay off the school and a new term. Not sure.

So, here’s why I’m pissed off… they know I’m trying to finish the degree. There’s a damn good reason I’ve needed financial aid. I’ll try calling them next week and try to deal with this. Explain that with the debt, I can’t finish my degree… but I’m unemployed and fucking homeless so how the fuck am I going to come up with 5K??

I’ll call them next week and see what I can do. I don’t have the money. I’m trying to sell stuff out of storage so I can pay next month’s storage rent of a mere $280 (mere compared to 5K).

The letter from them states that enrollment will be frozen while I still have outstanding debts… I need a miracle of some sort. At the very least a small one to keep me from losing it while on the phone with them next week.

I’m frustrated. Partly with school, but mostly with myself and my life. I can’t fully put my finger on the WHY of the mess my life has become. I can’t blame it fully on either myself or “society.” Believe me, I wish I could figure it out. I wish I had that answer.

But it eludes me.

~Amanda

Posted in bugaboos, cats, chronic pain, depression, eviction, grad school, life, Personal, storage

6/12: Monday Ramblings

A few things on the plate tonight.

I’m hoping/planning on going to storage later this week. I don’t think I’ll make tomorrow, as I have two appointments and the second is closer to “home” … unless I have some surge of energy early in the morning and go over there before my first appointment downtown at 11.

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

I need to pull a couple of things and brainstorm something from what I already own to lift Portia’s food bowl up. She’s doing something she never did when it was elevated back at the apartment. She does this half cough/half hairball hack. What I think is happening is that she needs the bowl elevated again so that the food is staying where it needs to. This is why it’s strongly suggested to elevate bowls off the floor/ground. The problem is that the item I was using back at the apartment was a few old shelves from long-dismantled IKEA bookcases. Both food bowls, the water bowl, and the container of kibble were all on there. I can’t bring anything like that into the house. That’s been well established. I think they’ve mostly been tossed into recycling anyway during the move-out.

So, I need to jury-rig something smaller. Using only what I have in storage.

This will be fun.

I have mentioned I grew up watching the original MacGyver as a teen, right?


I had Physical Therapy today. Because of the new order for my back, we did an evaluation on that. Here’s where things get bothersome:

Medicaid/OHP+ only covers 8 visits to therapy type things like speech therapy, PT, etc per 12 months or something like that.

I had 4 approved visits for speech therapy due to my vocal cord dysfunction.

Then 4 approved visits for my knee, one of which we used today for the eval for my back.

I have one visit left for my knee. I need to get them to somehow approve/jump through flaming hurdles visits for my back.

Ahh, bureaucracy and red tape at its finest.

My knee is doing better… my back? Not so much. It’s getting rather inventive with new curse words. I’m not sure what language it’s using…. not sure I want to know either.


I have a lot of things swirling around in my head about some of the bigger things in my life. I’m frustrated that I can’t seem to keep my shit together long enough to finish grad school. Frustrated I can’t get very far with job hunting. Frustrated that I crave the peace of my own place but can’t see when that place will happen for me.

I’ll figure it out at some point… just wish it wasn’t so damn frustrating.

~Amanda

Posted in Personal, music, bugaboos, depression, eviction, community, homeless, friends, anxiety, silliness

6/11: Sunday Evening Rambling

This may end up one subject or multiple subjects… depending on my train of thought. As I’ve said in the past, I rarely edit blog posts…


I’m a solitary person. I’ve had roommates, etc. Some okay, some… well… I won’t air dirty laundry such as that on here. Just be safe in the knowledge that I’ve had a few “roommates from hell” in my life.

While I’m eternally grateful to those who have helped me and those who’ve taken me in during this period in my life, I am the kind of person who is not inherently social. I need to shut the door and shut out a lot of negative stuff… even if people don’t think it’s negative… the core emotion/vibe under anything exciting, happy, nervous, etc is tense and anxiety attack producing for me.

I have no interest in living with others on a long-term basis. I need my own place where I control my environment. My kitchen, my bathroom, my living space, my rules.

I just need a good job to get me there. The sooner the better.


Music of most genres have helped me survive so much in my life. This is why I’m sharing my little playlist on YT. There are other things on that playlist, such as Robin Williams and clips from movies and shows, but the hint of variety there may give you an idea of me and what speaks to my soul as a music lover and musician.

My ever changing YouTube playlist 

I want to write more on this, but I can’t seem to find the words right now.


I think that’s all I can do right now… more later…

Posted in crowdfunding, emergency, eviction, family, friends, homeless, life, Personal, storage, urgent

5/16: one last bit for the night (#crowdfunding)

Keep sharing. Donate if ya can, share no matter what. This is nearly everything I own at risk.

Yes, I got two donations. And an unidentified amount will be coming from someone tomorrow. And picking up a writing gig tomorrow. I don’t know where it all stands. I just need to show there will be enough by 6pm pst tomorrow. So he can pull it from the auction listing. The PP is immediate. I have a debit card for it. And no fees taken out. 

That’s it for now. Thank you to everyone who has helped in some way. 

~Amanda 

Posted in chronic pain, community, creativity, crowdfunding, emergency, eviction, life, Personal, society, storage, urgent

5/16: running out of #crowdfunding time.

Share me! Help me make a miracle happen!

Quick begging- er- #crowdfunding post. My PT from yesterday has me down for the moment. Voc Rehab had to cancel as she is apparently out of the office… at least this time I checked my phone before leaving. *sigh*

What can I say to prove this is real? 

Here’s some of it, before the space you see got packed with furniture and more boxes. This really is virtually my whole life about to be auctioned away. My costumes and a few Steampunk projects, among so much more… 


I’m not sure where else to turn. Two days to pull off a miracle.

~Amanda 

Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, chronic pain, community, creativity, crowdfunding, eviction, life, peace, Personal, politics, PTSD, storage, urgent

5/11: One Week of #Crowdfunding and other things

SSHHAAAAAAARREE MMMEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Are you sick of me crowdfunding yet? I’m not sure what else to do to save my belongings in storage. I struggle with finding work, have nothing I can sell off that’s currently in my possession. Yes, there are things in storage that could be sold, but I can’t access them so I can’t justify trying to sell them (because what if I do take their money but still don’t get enough to save everything… I don’t think that’s fair).

So, I’m trying to get help from friends and friends of friends and whomever will help by sharing and/or donating. Only other thing I can think of is taking pre-orders for Magehunter, but that would be a LOT of pre-orders and I’m still editing it. Patreon is good, but anyone that signs up now … I don’t think it would help in time. I also don’t have anything for May, so… yeah.

And I need ALL the help I can get. 

I’m also glad that I was accepted into Voc Rehab. My hope is that they can help with resources to transition me from basic jobs I can no longer do to jobs I want to do and have the mental skillset to do. That it isn’t just like the Unemployment Office where they look at the last jobs you had and fit you with similar jobs (trying to get away from those, thank you very fucking much). My counselor there was sick last week the day of my appt, so I see her next week. But right now, other than job hunting, I’m trying to save all my stuff.


Apparently my “response” post and the one it referred to from the previous day got a lot of attention.. well a lot for my blog. I will say this one last thing: I do my damnedest to be extremely tolerant of others around me. Right now I’m dealing with a lot of stress and my ability to tolerant ignorant behavior from people who -one might assume- should know better is diminishing. Being essentially homeless myself as well as jobless, and dealing with C-PTSD (Complex PTSD, more common for sexual assault survivors) and physical disabilities and a few other things I don’t really talk about publicly… I do my best, but I do get frustrated and even a bit angry when I have to point out something so obvious to someone who is oblivious.

I was calm with the girl, but yeah, I vented later. I’d prefer to handle things that way. If I didn’t, I’d have an arrest record right now. Some people are offended by my venting? Well, then next time I’ll go off on the person and get arrested and I’ll give TC’s (or whomever else gets offended by my words on here) email address and name and tell the cops that they can post my bail. This is my coping mechanism for trying to keep calm in a world that just keeps pissing me off. I’d much rather write it up on here than be in a jail cell.

And that, I think, is my final word on that mess from earlier this week.


I could rant on political fuckery right now, but I haven’t taken my heart meds yet today, so maybe later.

All I’ll say for now is: When do the impeachment hearings start? Soon, I hope… they all need to go down in flames.

~Amanda

Posted in bugaboos, cats, chronic pain, community, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, eviction, faith, grad school, homeless, life, Personal

4/16: Headaches, Homework, & #crowdfunding

I’ve been quiet the last couple of days due to a combo of migraine and tension headaches. And tooth pain… and my knee… and… well, you get the idea. Down for the count and unable to function for long. All that said, yes, I’m still crowdfunding.

I still have few funds for storage. I really need to get it caught up before the end of the month. And I need to hand over about $700 which includes the auction fee… it keeps getting worse and crowdfunding/asking for help is the only way I have at this moment to keep it from auction.

Homework… not sure if I said it here or not. I may have. If I get these last two papers done for the class I’m trying to complete an incomplete on, then I’m okay. I’ll get a passing grade… then it’s just the Capstone single credit over the summer.

Headaches…….. urgh. There isn’t much I can do about the headaches. Trust me, OTC meds aren’t touching them. As for the tooth pain… I finally got an urgent care appt for tomorrow afternoon at the clinic I go to. Before that, I finally have my appt in the morning with the sports med doc about my knee. The stuff with my knee may be an uphill battle… dealing with ortho docs is a pain unto itself. I know, I’ve gone through quite a few of them over the years. We’ll be here all night if you ask me to get into it.

One thing I will address in vague terms publicly. Recently, someone told me I needed to focus on finding work and that I should “give up this nonsense of another degree.” You don’t want to know how pissed off I was in that moment. The way I see it is if you’re the one paying for my education, then you have a say in it. If not, shut the fuck up. Also, I can multitask. I’ve learned how to make my ADD work FOR me. I can go back and forth between two or three things just fine. The only time I’m unable to do that is when I’m in pain, which I have been all weekend. Migraines make it difficult to read 30 page articles on the screen… even with the screen dimmed. But I’m doing the best I can.

Here’s the thing about what this person said: I’m one of those people who should never have finished high school. I’ve talking about this here. College? Nah! Amanda’s too stupid for college. Fuck those people and the horses they rode in on backwards. If you make the mistake of telling me I can’t do something or I need to give up on something I’m already working my ass off for… you get two middle fingers raised high and proud in your direction and then you’ll hear “eat my dust!” off in the distance. Never tell me I can’t. Because I’ll show you I not only CAN, but I WILL, and I’ll pour everything into proving it to you. Watch what you say to me…

During the time I’ve been in grad school, life has been turning me upside down hoping change would drop out of my pockets every so often. My father died during my first semester, I had surgery 6 months later… then I lost my crappy job (good fucking riddance), then I struggled to find another job…. and still working on that… and then the eviction and losing my soul-cat.

The last few years have been a massive bitch piggybacking on what semblance of a life I’m supposed to have.

I think things are slowly looking up. It isn’t easy. Life isn’t supposed to be fucking easy. But the last few years? Hell no. That’s beyond normal ‘shitty life stuff.’ I swear I deserve a fucking award just for not going completely off the deep end in all of this. I should hear soon about that one job.

Until then, I have pain stuff to deal with and a storage unit full of my lifes’ belongings to save.

~Amanda

Posted in cats, community, crowdfunding, eviction, faith, grad school, homeless, life, Personal, society, transitions

4/14: Landing Zones & #crowdfunding 

Places to land.

​So, there’s one possible next landing spot (in case it’s needed), but with at least one party there having allergies to felines… bringing a Fluff Monster such as Portia into said residence may not be ideal. So, I’m looking at having other options. Please talk to friends in the PDX area (preferably Oregon side, and not too far out there). No dogs, friendly felines okay. I’d prefer a spare/guest room. 

I’d prefer to not uproot again before moving into our (Portia and myself) own space again. But for reasons I won’t discuss publicly, I may have to. This is a “maybe/maybe not” thing right now. 

If I get this job, I’m looking at a month from now at the minimum. The only way (I can think of) to speed it up is have my initial costs raised via crowdfunding or a charity. 

If you’re the praying type, pray that I get this job and that it pays really well. 

And yes, I still urgently need to continue raising funds for storage. Please help me get caught up and get the $600-700 needed to get back in. If I get this job, I’m going to need the rest of my clothes! PP or YouCaring are fine, but for expediency, PP is way better. 

Every bit helps. I’ve been battling combo migraine/tension headaches the last couple of days, including right now. I’m pretty much useless at the moment… and I need to write a paper due Monday. 

So, I’m asking locals or folks with local trustworthy friends to see if there’s a bit of space for me and my dorky old cat. Just temporarily. Can help around the residence. 

And asking for help to save storage. Nearly everything I own is in there.

~Amanda 

Posted in community, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, eviction, grad school, life, Personal, PTSD, student life, transitions

4/1: More Musing on School (& #crowdfunding)

CROWDFUNDING PART: So I’m now into April and need to scrounge up the $306 ($280+fees) for March storage and now another $280 for April rent. There is nothing I can sell off, as 98% of my belongings are IN storage where I can’t get to them.

March: $306
+
April: $280
= 
$586 to storage

I will be getting $150 from one friend, and another sent $20. But I’m still desperate to get it all caught up and paid for. Please share this blog and help me get the word out there… every bit helps. I’ll blog at least once a day and share updates as I have them. I do prefer using PP as it’s MUCH faster and no fees.


GRAD SCHOOL: I’ve mused on this off and on since I began. A lot of things have happened in my life since starting school in August of 2014. My dad dying, leaving a crappy job that was killing me, getting sick over and over, losing JoJo, and then the eviction.

But I don’t give up. I refuse to give up. I am not walking away from school. I’ve come too far. I’m the one who should never have finished high school.

But I did.

Associate’s Degree? Did it. Bachelor’s Degree in English with a minor in Music? Did it. Almost completing a second BA in Theater Tech (undergrad loans capped out).

I’ve gone further in my education than anyone, even myself, expected. I’m not giving up.

I just have to get other shit together in my life and go a little slower. I hate slowing down. But I’m not 22 years old. As much as I hate the idea, backing off from the remainder of this term to focus on getting my basic life stuff back together (job, own place again, etc) is what I believe needs to happen.

I just hate slowing down.

~Amanda

Posted in community, crowdfunding, eviction, homeless, life, Personal, poverty line, transitions, urgent

3/25: Storage, #Crowdfunding, and Organizing

#Crowdfunding: [Needs: Storage funds, cat food] When 98% of your life’s belongings are in a storage unit that you can’t access right now, you feel a bit down. Right now, I’d love to go over there and move stuff around and organize the ever-loving-hell out of it (with possible help, as my back and knee are both cursing at me). But I can’t access it because I don’t have the funds to pay for it right now. Hence back to crowdfunding…. since I’m not employed, I don’t have the funds to cover it. (A bit over 300 now with the late fees)

Organizing: It’s been a week and I feel the need to organize the stuff in this room better. Of course, this would mean futzing with some of the stuff that was already in here that isn’t mine… just shifting of a few things… mainly so I don’t need to keep the two duffel bags on the floor and maybe I’d have more room to get around… not much, but a bit.

I’m slow this week because I torqued my right knee (for the millionth time) and having to walk and climb stairs, etc has not been easy for me. It hit the next level of pain a couple days ago when, for no real reason, I felt a jab of sharp pain run right through my knee. The kind of pain that would likely make regular people drop to the floor holding their knee… I just put my hand on the cart next to me (I was in the kitchen) and took all my weight off that leg. It did it again yesterday. Hurting even when no weight is on it. I put the call in to request a referral for Orthopedics.

I’ve pushed myself through pain a lot over the years. Last year, I remember standing in line to meet Stan Lee at RCCC, and the couple in front of me were military/former military. At least the husband was. I was getting extremely uncomfortable standing there (due to the pain), so we started talking. He listed some of his injuries from serving… then I started rattling off mine. I wasn’t even showing off scars! Just “well, when I was 6…. when I was 17…. oh, and at 22…” I got to about my early 30’s and he caved. His wife was amused. I had him beat. And when you go up against a soldier and out-do them on injuries…. that’s saying something… not sure what, but it says something.

I sign off for the evening with the hope that tomorrow and the coming week show promise…

~Amanda