SSSHHHHAAAAAARRRE MMEEEEEEE!!! PLEASE? (I’m feeling a bit weird today)
I’m BAAAAAaaaaack!! After a week and a half without regular wi-fi and only my phone’s hotspot, which I almost killed a few days ago, I’m back online with normal wi-fi. This means I can stop screaming at my computer and phone and make my neighbors all worried I’m killing* something in here.
*- No electronics were harmed. Really.
So, since I’ve been out of a regular paying job, my income has dwindled to a rather dangerous point. My tasking is barely anything (2 tasks this month so far). Here’s the need and goal:
- Storage. I owe about 1000 or so. I need to get it -completely- paid up before the end of the month. Once it’s fully paid up, then I can move stuff out and the rest down to a smaller unit like I’ve been planning. I have zero access until it’s paid in full.
- Electric. While they aren’t going to shut me off during the winter, it would be nice to throw them $50 or so of what I currently owe.
- Cell phone bill. I set up a split payment arrangement to keep it turned on, with $60 this week and the remainder next week. I need to change the payments, though.
- Water/Garbage/Sewer. $47. It’s all lumped together and then they split it evenly between residents. By the end of February.
- Cat food (canned) as well. My cat goes through canned and dry. While this isn’t super-dooper urgent, the wet food has helped her coat tremendously. She gets Natural Balance Duck and Green Pea LiD. Same for her kibble, but she has enough of that for the moment.
- PO Box. $41 or something around that number.
By the end of February.
I basically need a big ol’ miracle or something. The phone is my only one now and it’s the only way I can get tasks. And with applying for jobs, I need a phone that’s active to get calls and such.
In other non-begging news, my sleep is possibly improving a smidge. Health is improving a bit. School is as good as it can be for a Right Brain person trying to manage Left Brain schoolwork. I find that my testing ability still stinks and I do slightly better with the actual accounting work than with the vocabulary that comprises the midterm, which I tanked.
I had a phone interview last week, but did not make it to the next round of interviews with that company. I keep applying for stuff, but it gets frustrating when you have skills and they don’t seem to see those skills on paper.
Yesterday, I wrote up as much as I could remember of a dream that was VERY fictional and I knew it would be a good story. I still need to fill in the gaps, but this piece is something I want to eventually submit somewhere.
I refuse to let the shit in my life win and beat me back down. I just have a lot to work on.
(I’m back. Still need help with storage. But here’s a poem for you… fresh out of the deep dark recesses of my psyche.)
We are fired up.
Where we were
Where we are.
But we define
Where we will go.
Who we are
Is defined by
Who we have been.
Lost in the mirage
Of once being great.
Stumbling over each other
As we gasp for air.
Welcome all is
Only a dream.
A faint memory.
Fight to move forward.
At war with the machine.
Who are we now
To have valid dreams.
So, now February storage rent has been tacked on. $1014 owed. And my internet at home is off (86 needed). Phone will come due soon as well. The phone that is, once again, access to my only livelihood.
Permanently damaged goods.
Just too much pain.
Make it stop.
Please help me survive.
Brain wired wrong.
I need a break.
Need to heal.
Do I fit anywhere?
I’m all melancholy right now. Frustration with my own health and job hunt. Trying to get through school as well. Today I finally got a formal diagnosis of PTSD and GAD. These explain a lot. I feel like things aren’t coming together like I, and those around me, had thought they would by now. Like I’m falling apart all over again. This is partly why I’ve been so quiet lately. Poetry just isn’t forming so much of late.
Bear with me as I fight to reclaim the ground I lost climbing out of my own personal abyss.
The storage office closes at 6pm. It’s currently 3:30pm. I’m still very short of funds to hand over to them. PayPal is the easiest and fastest method for me, as I have a PP debit card. I’m short $600. Nearly everything that helps define who and what I am is in that storage unit. I’m so close. I can’t lose it now.
I may sound like a broken record at times, but I am eternally grateful to those who have helped me over the last few years as I’ve struggled to find my footing again. I’m still struggling with it, but getting there, slowly. If I get through this whole mess, I’ll be able to make some things to show that gratitude, but I kinda need my machines and supplies, which are in storage.
I’ll also need copious amounts of coffee, but that can come later.
I know some may wonder why I need help with storage so soon after getting it pulled from auction a month ago. See, I owed 1400 a month ago. Raised 800 and got it pulled. On the condition I would pay the remainder off by the end of January. That came and went with little coming in. Tasks have been almost non-existent and the PT job/internship dried up for a couple of reasons with my last paycheck depositing last Friday.
On top of that, I had to pay part of my rent for this month as rental assistance may be going away sooner rather than later. So, everything has gone to that.
With late fees tacked on, my total is now closer to 700 than the 600-ish it was a month ago. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if they’d let me still try after January was over, but they are. So I have until end of day today (6pm Pacific) to get it caught up. Then I can arrange to have a day off access (I hope) and get some stuff out and the rest moved down to a smaller unit.
It is still set for auction at the end of the month, but I really need to get caught up and get my mattress and stuff out. My back is getting worse and sleeping on the floor doesn’t help at all.
I still need income. I’ll work on that this week. Somehow, someway.
Still need funds to save storage and get on with life. I’ve received two donations totaling a bit over 100, but still need about 600 more.
This week has been tough for me. And tonight is the anniversary of losing JoJo. Two years ago, one week after my eviction hearing, I rushed her to Dove Lewis. She wouldn’t have made it to dawn. She hid her congestive heart failure all too well.
She was my soul. We both had the same food issues (hers was an allergy to wheat and I have Celiacs). She was right there, in my face, when I wasn’t feeling well to provide me with some purr therapy to help me feel better.
She chose me in such a clear and obvious way. I was her only human for 14 years. She was 11 months old. I adopted her February 2003, and she passed away February 2017, a month shy of turning 15.
She was a ginger force to be reckoned with. Opinionated, loving, sassy cat. My first indoor cat.
I’ll post stuff tomorrow. Tonight is quiet.
[Have two donations now. A bit over 100. Still a ways to go. I have until Monday 6pm to get the past due to storage. Any help is appreciated]
Blocking out the sun.
Haze of distant smoke
Fills the gaps.
Destruction breeds rebirth.
The trees savor the fire.
Never mind how.
It just does.
Ashes breed the Phoenix
Of nature undone.
Cyclical world knows how to
Survive by itself.
Leave it be.
It knows what to do.
Don’t rush the process.
The Phoenix will rise again.
Portia, the resident feline, woke me up by sticking her paw up my nose. I received one donation last night (per email, I should look at PP itself). I still have a long way to go.
I’d rather earn the money somehow, but without my machines and tools and supplies, I’m stuck. And finding work has been difficult.
So, here I sit, hoping we can still make a miracle happen.
(Yes, still in need of help)
The path in the woods
Between brush and grass.
Lorded over by ancient trees.
Protected from the glare of the sun.
Slow, cautious steps lead down.
The edge of the woods clears.
The ground becomes soft.
Rounded pebbles replace
The sharp edges of boulders.
The rock is not far.
It has flattened with time and water.
Long ago, one had to climb its side to stand on top.
It is no longer the mighty throne of dreams.
The lake laps gently against it.
The others scurry down the shore.
Leaving me alone with the rock of my ancestors.
I stand alone, looking out at the ancient lake that has been part of our generations .
I remove my shoes and let my cloak fall to the ground behind me.
One step up and I take my place.
The hem of my dress barely reaches my ankles.
The layers of white and grey moved by the breeze.
It also questions the placement of the circlet on my head
By way of rearranging my hair.
My companions are beyond my hearing.
I hum a little melody my mother taught me as a small child.
Closed eyes, I hear the wind.
My friends off in the distance drowned out.
I listen to the trees. The water.
They tell me of those who came before.
Eyes open, I take in the serenity of the steep mountains surrounding the lake.
Ancient land, ancient water.
It laps gently against the rock.
Small splashes reach my bare toes.
The water, it is cold.
The sky above is calm, deceiving those below it.
I know its tricks, as the water has own.
The secrets bestowed upon me.
I am one of the
This is a fantasy variant of my “happy place” when I get a panic attack. I imagine myself on the rock.
So, where do I go from here? Well, another $305 or so will get tacked on. Unless a miracle happens and I get the funds this evening before their central customer service office closes. That’s another couple of hours. Then it’ll get added. Which will suck.
Honestly, I’m tired of fighting with this. But I’m also stubborn as all fuck and refuse to give up. I have too many precious items in there that are irreplaceable. Costumes I designed and my mother, who was a phenomenal seamstress, made without a pattern. A caricature of me as a kid by a now-gone cartoonist. Things that are a part of me and my life.
I’ve struggled a long time and now that I’m slowly getting back up and on my feet, I’m SO close. I can’t lose these things now. This isn’t frivolous or anything. There’s little of resale value, and yet, these items in storage are valuable to ME. I hate asking for help. I kick myself that I haven’t done more.
I’ll call in the morning and find out when auction is this time. And hopefully they’ll let me keep working at paying it off. I hate that it’s at this point again.
Thank you for any help you can provide.