Posted in anxiety, depression, dragon, family, friends, grad school, job hunting, life, Personal, PTSD

6/26: Angry, tired Dragon

(I’m mostly venting… so if you don’t want to read my venting, it’s okay. I started this on FB, but it was getting long. )

At this point, at least for right now, if there’s something political that harms a large percentage of people in some way… then I’m likely mad about it. I can’t fucking keep up. The Supreme Court is failing us, the “president” is one of the biggest fuckups we have done to ourselves as a nation, congress has too many blind greedy assholes, and hate crimes abound because the perpetrators figure with 45 in office, they can get away with pretty much anything. So yeah.
But I’m done right at this exact moment. I can’t put energy into fighting this cesspool our society is turning into right now. I have too much of my own shit to deal with.
It’s fucking tempting to start a GFM or something for getting the fuck out of Dodge for a few years… raise funds to get my passport, plane ticket and such for Portia and I, and leave. Right now, that’s where my head is. Finishing my degree is on hold until I can come up with the funds to pay off the school. So that’s fucked.
Other than having many good friends here, I don’t have anything tying me to PDX. the US in general, my brother is still cool… there’s extended family… but I never see any of them anymore because I live at least 600 miles away from them and have been too fucking broke to visit. They’re all busy with their own younger branches of their families. Our branch? None of us have married and unless we adopt, no kids.¬†
So where is all of this coming from, you may wonder. Especially since I posted earlier about the very thing I’m trying to get away from: posting on politics and striving for peace.
Well, I have a few books next to my bed. A couple of overdue library books, a textbook from the class I fucked up on, and Howard Zinn’s Voices of a People’s History.¬†I was going to refer to one piece in there for the papers I didn’t finish for the class I didn’t finish… yeah. So my head is in this weird place all of a sudden.
I want to finish, but I don’t have the 4500+ to pay off the school. I know I got myself into this mess. Spring term fell apart due to the eviction stress filling up my headspace.
I can’t put my finger on why I can’t seem to get myself together. Exhaustion and PTSD screwed me up last Fall term. Then I had a chance to redeem myself on the class from that term that I took an incomplete on… and then the eviction took over Spring term.
I started grad school totally on track, getting good grades, etc… and then over the past year, I’ve been slowly unraveling. Stress, no job, frustration with things in general, have all played a role in my downward spiral with school. I’m super close to finishing, but the money thing from withdrawing in Spring has messed things up. By the time I came up for air after the eviction, the term was nearly over. The whole thing is a jumbled blur.
Well, I have a bit of a nutty week ahead. Tomorrow will be a very long day, then a couple of things Wednesday, possibly something Thursday and then GearCon all weekend. I’m on staff… A week from now I’ll likely be so dead-tired I won’t be able to function for a day or two. We’ll see how things go.
I’m working on rounding up as much as possible of the $280 needed for storage. I have a little under half right now… but two more TR gigs this week will help… and still trying to sell off a pair of speakers and the two bookcases. I may need a little help, as my tasks didn’t really start getting going until mid-June. We’ll see how things are after Wednesday.
Let the wild week begin!
Posted in Personal, music, bugaboos, depression, eviction, community, homeless, friends, anxiety, silliness

6/11: Sunday Evening Rambling

This may end up one subject or multiple subjects… depending on my train of thought. As I’ve said in the past, I rarely edit blog posts…

I’m a solitary person. I’ve had roommates, etc. Some okay, some… well… I won’t air dirty laundry such as that on here. Just be safe in the knowledge that I’ve had a few “roommates from hell” in my life.

While I’m eternally grateful to those who have helped me and those who’ve taken me in during this period in my life, I am the kind of person who is not inherently social. I need to shut the door and shut out a lot of negative stuff… even if people don’t think it’s negative… the core emotion/vibe under anything exciting, happy, nervous, etc is tense and anxiety attack producing for me.

I have no interest in living with others on a long-term basis. I need my own place where I control my environment. My kitchen, my bathroom, my living space, my rules.

I just need a good job to get me there. The sooner the better.

Music of most genres have helped me survive so much in my life. This is why I’m sharing my little playlist on YT. There are other things on that playlist, such as Robin Williams and clips from movies and shows, but the hint of variety there may give you an idea of me and what speaks to my soul as a music lover and musician.

My ever changing YouTube playlist 

I want to write more on this, but I can’t seem to find the words right now.

I think that’s all I can do right now… more later…

Posted in food cravings, friends, homeless, Personal, silliness, storage

6/5: Digging through Storage

I took the bookcases, rollerblades, decorative bowl and a bin of stuff I’ve accumulated since I was initially locked out of storage mid-March back to storage today with some help (and a vehicle). My goal today was to dig through the area just to the left of the door. My mattress was on the coffee table along with a bunch of other things… so today, mattress got dragged out, coffee table pulled out. Smaller items taking up real estate at waist high for me got tossed, shoved, crammed, etc into spaces further back where there was room for small things. I checked the drawers of the taller dresser in case there was anything I really needed from them (there wasn’t)… and then started loading things in.

I moved one of the huge waxed produce boxes back there, then loaded other boxes on top, then other things on those boxes. Shoved the mattress into a new spot (I really should ‘invest’ in one of those mattress bags or something to keep the poor thing from getting any dirtier), and put the bookcases and bins in front of it to keep it upright.

By the time the hall was empty -save for the piano bench and folding table I set up for small stuff- I had a little bit of floor real estate left. There’s still a long way to go. But it felt good to finally tackle something beyond the space just inside the door. Some broken items came back with me, along with my laundry basket (I had brought my wheeled hamper with me and with a flight of stairs between me and the machines, I felt the basket would be much easier) and a jar of pickle relish.

I have showered (much deserved and very welcome) and am now in my penguin footie pajamas… with little-to-no intention of going anywhere.

I’m just craving food I can’t afford and shouldn’t have because it isn’t gluten-free…. it sucks when you get sick from eating something that’s in nearly everything on this planet that tastes good… such as fried chicken. I know I can get “breaded” GF chicken nuggets and stuff, but honest-to-God crunchy-skinned juicy fried chicken (Popeyes over KFC)? Nope. Haven’t seen anything yet that comes close and is gluten-free. There are moments when I do something I shouldn’t… such as getting fried chicken. But I also don’t have the funds to get it, so the craving will wait.


Posted in family, friends, life, Personal, storage

5/18: All is well… for now.

I woke up this morning around 4 or 5 to a certain large feline purring on my chest. Normally she isn’t very stealthy. The extra weight made it a bit difficult to breathe. She finally jumped off and I checked my phone for messages, etc. A friend overseas helped get me the last needed funding. I slept in a little more and then headed downtown. Took care of some banking and then headed up to storage.

All paid up for now. I tried digging into the stuff, but couldn’t get very far. I did find one of my treasures, but my shoes are all buried somewhere in there… I did grab some items of use and then put everything else back. Just in that short time digging in there has me hurting a lot.

Thank you to every single person who helped share and/or donate! It means a lot to me… really, I swear.

2017-05-18 11.32.16
You obviously can’t see everything, but yeah… this is what ya’ll helped me save: my life in boxes and such.

So many things in there that mean a lot to me. Okay, not the vacuum cleaner so much, but I did a lot of research before buying it to make sure I got a good quality one. And it wasn’t a cheapie!

Next time I go down there, I’m bringing help. Oof! The stack with the vacuum was all I could move… I thought the majority of my shoes were fairly close by, but they weren’t. Now I’m trying to remember where the hell they went. My poor sneakers need retiring badly… and I only held three pairs of footwear out: the sneaker slides, a pair of ballet flats for interviews, and my winter boots. What? It was winter at the time!

I’m gonna get off my feet for a bit… rest my back, etc…


Posted in anxiety, cats, chronic pain, crowdfunding, dragon, emergency, family, friends, Personal, storage, urgent

5/17: Adventures in Dragoning

The stickied post is above this one, sorry folks… until storage is safe, it stays. Getting close, though.

My adventures out today. I definitely over-taxed my knee. But that’s what I get for walking from the MAX downtown, up to The Roxy, then over to Mud Bay on 16th & NW Glisan, then up to Safeway on Lovejoy (this will all make sense to people who know the downtown and Pearl/Alphabets areas), then to the Post Office (central), then the Greyhound station MAX. Almost 9000 steps today. My knee is swearing at me again.

I’ve picked up a modest writing gig with a friend of a friend (we had breakfast at the Roxy)… after breakfast, we went our own ways… needed kitty kibble so off to Mud Bay. Then picked up one of my scrips at Safeway and then mail, then back here. One thing I learned the hard way: If you’re going to run errands afterward, don’t drink two large sodas at the Roxy (the pitchers)… I was waddling the whole way. I did get some good belches off thanks to the root beer. Yeah, I have a teeny bit of redneck in me. When your Southern Boy boyfriend (this was years ago) feels mildly insulted that his native Californian girlfriend can belch better than he can… heh heh heh.

While sitting at the station for the ride back here, I ended up writing today’s poem. More of an observational theme than internal. But you have to wait until later for it.

Okay back to raising the last of the funds.

Posted in crowdfunding, emergency, eviction, family, friends, homeless, life, Personal, storage, urgent

5/16: one last bit for the night (#crowdfunding)

Keep sharing. Donate if ya can, share no matter what. This is nearly everything I own at risk.

Yes, I got two donations. And an unidentified amount will be coming from someone tomorrow. And picking up a writing gig tomorrow. I don’t know where it all stands. I just need to show there will be enough by 6pm pst tomorrow. So he can pull it from the auction listing. The PP is immediate. I have a debit card for it. And no fees taken out. 

That’s it for now. Thank you to everyone who has helped in some way. 


Posted in anxiety, cats, chronic pain, crowdfunding, emergency, friends, Personal, storage, urgent

5/16: Updates and Stuff (like #crowdfunding)

Here I am with two days left. A little less, really. I’m sucking it up and posting in a couple of my FB groups I run (I think it’s tacky to use groups for other things as a place to beg for help, but my groups, my rules), and friends and FoF’s are sharing as well. Also an unlikely person will be stepping up to help however they’ll be able to. Trust me, that blindsided me. But I’ll take what I can get.

I have to get at least close to the 1500-1600 goal on YC to prove I have it and can get the unit pulled from the auction before they close the office tomorrow at 6pm PST. Cutting it really close… and I’m stressed out. I’m trying to remain calm, but that isn’t easy in this situation.

As I stated on today’s YC update, I will be reactivating my Taskrabbit Tasker account. I let it lapse during the eviction because, well, my mind was on other things. You have to submit at least one invoice/job every 60 days to stay active. Business was picking up a bit but not enough to pay rent and all. If I can get back into the swing of it and get a few tasks a month that give me something decent, I can at least get close to or make storage rent. Hopefully. I have to do the orientation thing again… and they only do those once or twice a month.

The nice thing being a Tasker is that as a woman doing furniture assembly, I get a lot of female or older clients. They feel safer having a woman coming into their home to do stuff than a strange man. I’ve had several clients tell me how much they appreciate the fact I offer this service. It’ll hurt what with my knees and all, but it will also get me moving and more active. And I’ll still have time to job hunt and go to Voc Rehab, etc. I don’t get THAT many tasks… I had a couple of weeks where I had two or three each week, all small ones, but still… I don’t make a lot of money. But it would be nice to get back into it. At least until I get a FT job.

Some of the stuff I did in PT yesterday brought back memories of when I switched from dance to weightlifting. Nothing major, but strengthening muscles helped my balance (which has always been awful). I used to do leg presses at almost my body weight at the time. I was around 140 and could press about 120-130lbs. About 60-80 for curls and extensions. Arms were always my weak spot. But I get two PT sessions left, and I think I want to find somewhere I can afford to go in and keep going on the machines. She explained to my that if my quads are stronger (which they aren’t right now) then my knees won’t have as many issues. Eventually. I have some standing exercises to do that hurt almost as much as the machines right now. Today I’ve mostly been off my feet because both of my knees were swearing at me for yesterday.

Well, I have a cat who wants my undivided attention… so offline I go. For a bit. I’ll keep checking in. I made a video earlier, but trying to upload from the phone is taking for-e-ver. It would be nice to have them up there tonight, but I don’t know if that will happen.


Posted in bugaboos, chronic pain, cosplay, crowdfunding, friends, Personal, storage

5/8: Mass Transit and everything but cars, #crowdfunding

Today, I dealt with people on the MAX as well as pedestrians and cyclists. Don’t worry, cyclists, I’ll mostly go easy on you. (and yes, still #crowdfunding)

Being mostly a pedestrian, but holding a driver’s license as well, I see city cyclists from two perspectives. I know full well that the vast majority aren’t major assholes who run red lights or stop signs and plow into pedestrians with the actual right-of-way. Or similarly hit a car (or get hit, even if the car has the right of way) and then get into screaming matches and even, in some instances, beat up the driver of the car. Yes, that’s happened. The ones I see the most are the aggressive asshole cyclists. The kind of person who plows into a pedestrian in the crosswalk who has the light. I knew the woman hit. Don’t worry, she’s fine. I just haven’t seen her in almost two years.

Today I also came across both locals and tourists (using the Biketown bicycles that are bright orange) riding on the sidewalks. Some were okay speed-wise, but the general rule is that if you’re riding faster than you can walk, you aren’t allowed on the sidewalks here. That’s what the bike lanes are for, folks. I did nearly get mowed down -on the sidewalk- by two who were going a little faster than they should have. I wish people would try to learn the local rules before getting on any wheels, motorized or manual.

Now for Mass Transit… they’re doing some work on tracks here so downtown is a bit of a mess. On my way into downtown today, everything was cool. I even met a new friend.

On the way home, however, I took issue with a girl next to me. On some of the newer trains, they have less actual seating in the Disabled/Seniors areas. I use a cane and have an Honored Citizen card (for a number of disabilities and reasons), and especially when I have my cane, I’m more than entitled to sit there. If you are younger or at least able-bodied and can stand on your own two feet and not lose your balance like I would if standing. After one person who needed the lone seat next to me, a girl in her 20’s or so sat down. If, by some chance, she’s seeing this, I have one thing to say:

“I don’t care if your backpack is heavy. There are homeless who are hauling more shit on their bodies than you ever will. You pick your privileged eyes up from your precious smartphone and take a look around you once in a while. Guess what? I had to tap you on the fucking shoulder to inform you that an older woman who likely has Parkinsons (from the shaking… just a guess) needs that seat. Now, if my knee weren’t screaming at me, I’d have offered her MY seat, but not with how my knee is right now.”

I don’t like that they made the handicapped areas smaller and down from six seats to two in the new MAX cars. The seats flip up. Four of them would be good (when I say two, it’s two in each end of car). Design flaws…. I hope they learn.

As a pedestrian, I’ve had times where I’ve nearly been hit. People wonder why I hesitate many times when crossing a street, even if I have the light. I get assholes on all different kinds of wheels who don’t always abide by rules.

It’s a lot like any sub group of modern society: there are a “handful” that give the rest a bad reputation. I get it. Hell, I’m a Furry and I get weird looks from people. The vast majority of Furries are not pervs who fuck others in their fursuits… do you even know how much those suits cost??? Mine was on the cheap with Minky fabric instead of faux fur and I ran over $100 for supplies alone. I have the skills, so I made it myself. Pro builders charge a lot more than my costs for a suit. They’re custom suits, no two alike. we don’t damage our suits. We baby them….

Look, there are always a few in any group that give others a bad name. Don’t be those people. Please. Learn the rules, abide by them, respect those around you and please pay attention.


Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, cats, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, emergency, empath life, family, friends, homeless, life, Personal, society, storage, urgent

5/7: Sunday Ramblings & #crowdfunding

Addendum to today’s earlier post: when I made the title “getting close” it was referring to the amount of time I have… not how much has been raised. I wish. Running out of time.

I admit I’m horrible at marketing myself or my creations. I have an anthology project that has had two submissions… and my own issues with my personal life have interfered with all my creative endeavors: the anthology, my re-edits of my first book, finishing my latest rough draft, poetry (to some degree…. it has to be whenever it hits me), getting the next novel out after edits. The cover is done, but the editing isn’t. Getting websites back on track… on top of everything else.

One thing I’m considering doing is boosting my Patreon by using the latest story/novella and heavily editing one chapter a month and posting it for the patrons I get. I don’t have any patrons now, so I haven’t been keeping things up… it’s a give and take. If you want patrons, post stuff… if potential patrons don’t see anything posted, they won’t become a patron… someone said a while back that Patreon is really better for those who are already established and have a fan base for their work. I don’t have much of one, and with my pen name website being one that’s down, I’m kinda screwed.

I would love to be more positive in all the things in my life… but it isn’t easy when life just keeps biting back and I can’t seem to get anywhere. Being an Empath doesn’t make it easier. I have my own crap to deal with and then I feel the weight of emotions from others and I’m rendered useless. The day the AHCA passed in the house, as well as the day after, I could barely function. I slept a lot during the day and still slept at night. I felt the anger and frustration from friends and others. On top of my own.

Being uprooted and semi-transient with no work doesn’t help. If I got patrons, I’d have some income. Which would help immensely.

Tonight, I’ll build a page on here for my pen name… it’s temporary until I can get my domain back. I’ll title it: “My Alter Ego” …. Man I have way too many of those. I find it amusing that friends, including the ones I’m staying with, introduce me to neighbors and such as Penguin, and then correct themselves. I’ve had the nickname for roughly 20 years. If you can’t remember my legal first name, Amanda, I do actually answer to Penguin. Dragon is a newer one. I’ve had many others (some have stories attached to them): Sewer Goddess, Kiltlifter, and White Wolfie to name a few… man, those go way back (White Wolfie was from about 1995).

Well, I’ll put on some music and get to drafting up that page.