2/4: Attractiveness

Since the Superbowl yesterday, a LOT of folks have been dishing out commentary about “a certain lead singer of a rock band who performed in the halftime show.” His tattoos, his physique, his choice of clothing, his singing, etc. Many women all over find him attractive. I’m not one of them. Partly because of my sexuality.

As an Aromantic Asexual… I think much of my distaste for this lead singer is because of his attitude and ego. There’s a saying somewhere about how no matter what you look like on the outside, if you’re kind and good to others, your beauty shines from the inside out. Something along those lines.

His music is okay. I like some songs, but if you waved a concert ticket in my face, I’d probably shrug my shoulders. His vanity and ego just seem to overshadow everything else. This is merely my impression. I’m sure he may do some nice things for fans and such, but again, those are overshadowed by vanity and ego.

His looks are what I want to talk about. Mixed in with slight jabs at his clothes, I’ve noticed some women drooling in written form over his shirtless performance. Now, just because I don’t experience romantic or sexual attraction doesn’t mean I don’t find men attractive. Some men.

His tattoos are all over the place and, as one woman at the shelter when I was there noted about people with lots of tats, have them tell a story. If they don’t work with each other to tell the story of you, they seem messy and it doesn’t come across as attractive. I knew he had a fair number of tats, but until I saw pics of him from yesterday, I had no idea how many.

Or how jumbled they seem. His physique was certainly defined and decent, but again, the tattoos and his vanity just don’t pull me in.

For an example of beautiful men inside and out, take Tom Hiddleston. Similar body type, toned but not super muscular He-man type. But look at the person he is. Down to earth, gentle, caring, compassionate. That is WAY sexier to me than the singer’s ego and vanity.

Be more than your looks. Check your ego and vanity at the door. Treat others as you wish to be treated in life. You never know when you may end up in their shoes.

~A

9/22: When I am Old…

I’ll be turning 45 in a little over a week, and I read an article earlier today about older beautiful women which prompted me to make the status in the image above on FB.

When I am old
I will dye my hair purple.
But probably only the mohawk. 
I'll be proud to be grey.
When I grow old
I will say 
FUCK!
As loud as I damn well 
Please.
Growing old is 
NOT
For wimps.
I am not a wimp
Therefore,
I WILL grow old. 
I will wear bright colors.
And mismatched socks.
And no matter what
I'll still say SHIT a lot.
I will be the old lady
With the NERF gun pointed
At the kids crossing my yard.
But have cookies and soda for them
When they return to apologize.
They say to grow old gracefully.
I will grow old
However I damn well please.
Likely raising Hell 
My dress flapping in the breeze. 
I will be the one
Others gossip about.
Without a care in the world
Refusing to bow out.
With my purple mohawk 
And greying sides,
Wrinkled tattoos and
Still watching the tides.
I'll eat what I want
And do as I please.
For no one can take
My freedom from me.

~APA 2017

7/22: I’m Not Broken… (open book)

The phrase “Don’t try to fix me. I’m not broken” from Evanscence resonates with me on many levels and for many reasons. From my depression to my C-PTSD, from my phases of suicidal ideation to my sexuality. Even something as mundane as being a Creative and trying to find my place in a working society with gainful employment.

Whenever I get frustrated with my job search, I get told to just take whatever comes along. But I end up sacrificing who and what I am to “fit in” … I’m told I need to be just like everyone else and why can’t I be that way? I need to conform, etc…

No, actually, I don’t. No one should be forced to conform to what our society thinks is the ideal. I tried to blend in during my 20’s. Yeah, that didn’t work so well.

And then there are more serious things. My history of suicidal tendencies, sexual assault, emotional and psychological abuse. Did these things damage me?

Yes.

If they didn’t, I wouldn’t be human (although Dragon does come out and play, I am still very much a human… she just gets cranky sometimes and wants to take over). Did these things break me?

No.

If they had, I wouldn’t be alive today. If the hell my ex has put me through had broken me, I would have killed myself long ago. But I didn’t. I still haven’t. In fact, I find myself getting stronger emotionally. I am no longer afraid of him.

And then there’s my sexuality… and now I’m leaning toward being genderfluid/genderqueer. I know one thing… I’m glad my mother wasn’t of sound mind when I realized I was asexual in 2009. She would have flipped her shit. Dad understood, but still wasn’t fully on board. My gender would likely have been slightly different, yet I don’t know exactly how he would have acted. I was his baby girl. But he also always knew I was a tomboy as a kid. I have always been more at home in hardware stores than dress shops.

One almost constant remark I get from people (usually men, older people, etc) is that I just “need to find the right guy” to change my mind about sex. My sexuality, which has NOTHING to do with the act of sex, is not a sign of being broken. This is how I was born. I’m wired this way. Did “you” choose to be heterosexual? Likely not. I did not choose to be asexual. I experience no sexual attraction (I do admit to admiring some male actors and such and make comments about them that could be construed as sexual.. I mean, I’m sorry, but Tom Hiddleston is damn gorgeous, but that doesn’t mean I want to do anything with him… other than hang out on the couch and watch movies and cuddle… I could handle cuddling with him).

The attitude is that because I’m not sexually active and dating and showing an interest sexually in anyone, that I *must* be “broken.”

I’m not.

It’s in my genetics. This is how I’m wired.

So I want to get a tattoo. Well, I want to get several of them. I still want my Rat, and the semicolon. But unless I find a better spot, I want to put this one down my spine, one word at a time:

Don’t

try

to

fix

me.

I’m

not

broken.

~A

3/4: Grad School and #crowdfunding

#Crowdfunding First: Still need to get storage caught up. While some people may dismiss this is “oh, it’s just some stuff in her storage unit” … let me catch you up on a few things: My current 8×20 storage unit is holding ALL my furniture, most of my clothes and fabric, electronics, and many, MANY other things from when I was evicted. About 98% of my life is in that locked up unit I can’t access. This isn’t a few boxes of garage sale crap… this is my life. My books, music, electric piano, furniture, fabric, clothes, shoes, costumes… you name it.

I just happen to also be unemployed and trying to find work (but have some good ones that may yield a job… don’t wanna jinx it). Hence needing help. I need roughly $600 to cover March and late fees and April. Rent is $280/mo. I would prefer using Paypal as that’s immediate for me (debit card attached to it).

Grad School Update: I have withdrawn from this semester. I need to talk to one professor to see what I can do to at least pass the class as I took an incomplete on it last term and if I don’t do something this term, it becomes an F, and I’m borderline B- average GPA. I am at 3.01 cumulative. I need to pass that class somehow. I’ll email her in the morning when I’ve had coffee to boost my courage.

The other part… my intent was to get the MLIS and Certificate in Archives. My advisor, who I met with today, is concerned about my health and stress levels and let me in on a little secret. If I spend two years in an archiving job (one of the possible leads has aspects to it), I can take the same SAA certification test I’d take after getting the grad certificate. THAT’S the thing that matters, not the school certificate.

So if I can get this retake class passed before the end of term and then do my capstone this summer (I’d pay out of pocket, as it’s 1 credit, and financial aid requires 5 credits per term. If I get this one job, I might be able to swing it), I will have my MLIS with an concentration on Archives.

Yes, I’ve planned/hoped/aimed for getting the certificate as well. It was that one extra little nudge. But I need to be done. Wrapped up, bow on it, a hat tip to my dad up in heaven, and start moving forward with the degree I’ve wanted for a long time. A degree I shouldn’t be getting. I wasn’t expected to finish high school… let alone think of college. But here I am, finishing up my Masters.

Mine hasn’t been an easy path, but I’m getting there. One step at a time.

~Amanda

26K down #nanowrimo

I wrote a shade over 6K words today (okay, it’s technically the 27th now, but I haven’t gone to bed yet, so it’s still Saturday to me). I’ve hit 26K total and as long as I can keep up 5K per day (or more, preferably), this will happen.

So, who’s gonna help me pay for my tattoo? It’s affordable (he’s doing his training).

Okay…. I’m going to bed now… I think I’ve tired myself out enough.

I also need to get cat food, pay something on the electric bill, pay storage… and…. I’m sure there are other things….

zzzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzz*snork*zzzzzzzzzzzz

~Dragon