Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, community, depression, eviction, friends, homeless, music, Personal, silliness

6/11: Sunday Evening Rambling

This may end up one subject or multiple subjects… depending on my train of thought. As I’ve said in the past, I rarely edit blog posts…

I’m a solitary person. I’ve had roommates, etc. Some okay, some… well… I won’t air dirty laundry such as that on here. Just be safe in the knowledge that I’ve had a few “roommates from hell” in my life.

While I’m eternally grateful to those who have helped me and those who’ve taken me in during this period in my life, I am the kind of person who is not inherently social. I need to shut the door and shut out a lot of negative stuff… even if people don’t think it’s negative… the core emotion/vibe under anything exciting, happy, nervous, etc is tense and anxiety attack producing for me.

I have no interest in living with others on a long-term basis. I need my own place where I control my environment. My kitchen, my bathroom, my living space, my rules.

I just need a good job to get me there. The sooner the better.

Music of most genres have helped me survive so much in my life. This is why I’m sharing my little playlist on YT. There are other things on that playlist, such as Robin Williams and clips from movies and shows, but the hint of variety there may give you an idea of me and what speaks to my soul as a music lover and musician.

My ever changing YouTube playlist 

I want to write more on this, but I can’t seem to find the words right now.

I think that’s all I can do right now… more later…

Posted in food cravings, friends, homeless, Personal, silliness, storage

6/5: Digging through Storage

I took the bookcases, rollerblades, decorative bowl and a bin of stuff I’ve accumulated since I was initially locked out of storage mid-March back to storage today with some help (and a vehicle). My goal today was to dig through the area just to the left of the door. My mattress was on the coffee table along with a bunch of other things… so today, mattress got dragged out, coffee table pulled out. Smaller items taking up real estate at waist high for me got tossed, shoved, crammed, etc into spaces further back where there was room for small things. I checked the drawers of the taller dresser in case there was anything I really needed from them (there wasn’t)… and then started loading things in.

I moved one of the huge waxed produce boxes back there, then loaded other boxes on top, then other things on those boxes. Shoved the mattress into a new spot (I really should ‘invest’ in one of those mattress bags or something to keep the poor thing from getting any dirtier), and put the bookcases and bins in front of it to keep it upright.

By the time the hall was empty -save for the piano bench and folding table I set up for small stuff- I had a little bit of floor real estate left. There’s still a long way to go. But it felt good to finally tackle something beyond the space just inside the door. Some broken items came back with me, along with my laundry basket (I had brought my wheeled hamper with me and with a flight of stairs between me and the machines, I felt the basket would be much easier) and a jar of pickle relish.

I have showered (much deserved and very welcome) and am now in my penguin footie pajamas… with little-to-no intention of going anywhere.

I’m just craving food I can’t afford and shouldn’t have because it isn’t gluten-free…. it sucks when you get sick from eating something that’s in nearly everything on this planet that tastes good… such as fried chicken. I know I can get “breaded” GF chicken nuggets and stuff, but honest-to-God crunchy-skinned juicy fried chicken (Popeyes over KFC)? Nope. Haven’t seen anything yet that comes close and is gluten-free. There are moments when I do something I shouldn’t… such as getting fried chicken. But I also don’t have the funds to get it, so the craving will wait.


Posted in creativity, life, Personal, silliness, storage

6/1: Thoughts while working on storage

The building my storage is in is a giant metal and concrete box. No cell signal, nothing. So, the list here is a bunch of random thoughts or things I said to myself.

  • It will get better. It will get better.
  • Why have I accumulated so much wine?
  • Ugh.
  • Now, if I can put that there and then that can go there.
  • Avoid avalanches.
  • I HAZ A TAIL!!
  • Found the grey nail polish!

Poem coming shortly.


Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, chronic pain, creativity, dragon, life, Personal, silliness

5/26: Dragon is frustrated 

I swore I’d be back up and flying in no time, yet my rear landing gear* is still not working as it should. I have bravely fought (and mostly won) a battle against a breach of my current lair by ants. Cayenne is one method of safely breathing fire indoors.

I hope to be back at full speed (even 3/4 would be nice) shortly.

Oh, and I need more cayenne.
* hips/legs 

Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, chronic pain, creativity, Personal, silliness, storage

5/25: Arting w/o Words & Stuff

So I scribble and doodle a lot…. well, not often enough to be REALLY good, but I try.

A few weeks back, an image came to my mind that I felt needed to be put onto paper. Now, when I do artsy things, they usually involve photography or Photoshop… design-like things… but this image in my mind of a Tolkien-esque elf just kept sticking. I started to sketch it out, but got stuck on shitty erasers and a pencil that wasn’t soft enough… I stalled. I still have every intention of finishing her in watercolor pencils… but now there’s a second version that popped up in my mind while sleeping last night. Same general image, but in charcoal on toned paper…. yeah.

So, while I have some quiet time here at the house, I’m going to work on her. She doesn’t have a name… she’s different than RG, who is the main character of a webcomic I’ve been trying -very unsuccessfully- to launch for over two years… I think my financial instability and such hasn’t helped…

I have access now to storage and can get my charcoals and supplies out… I don’t know at this time if I have any blank toned paper left… if not, I’ll have to get some.

I’m a writer who occasionally likes to draw and paint. And now, as I’ve been writing about this, I’m thinking of a small piece as a gift for someone…. I wonder if I can pull it off in time…

Now, about yesterday. I’m amused that I got all kinds of ‘likes’ on here for last night’s post about not being able to do my usual stuff.

I had my Voc Rehab appt and then went to storage… by the time I got TO storage, both of my hips and both knees were screaming bloody murder at me. I rested for a bit on a bench I have in the unit, then started pulling things out and trying to make the stuff right up front a little more “me friendly.” I’d gotten 5 of these huge waxed boxes for produce and four were stacked up right in the middle of the doorway… trying to get around them was a bitch. They’ve now been split up, a few other things shifted around… etc.

I have two short and narrow IKEA bookcases for sale and a friend is buying my bed frame as soon as I can extricate it from it’s location in storage. I can see part of the headboard, but yeah…. there’s a lot piled on top of it, so it’ll take some major shifting of stuff… MAJOR shifting. My folding table is now withing easy reach for each time I open the door. It got buried in the rush of things in March. I like setting the table up for smaller items and an intermediary spot for heavy boxes as I pull them out.

I really want the bookcases gone… they take up floor space in there, which is extremely precious.

Thanks to a person and their biz PP account, the day after auction, I received enough to pay for June rent for storage. When I went down there yesterday, I paid it early. Needless to say, Dustin (manager) was very surprised. I’m almost always late on rent. So I have a little breathing room to tackle selling off some things, organizing the rest, and just getting the physical stuff together in my life.

My left hip is still hurting as I walk around the house. Not as bad as yesterday, but I’ve been resting and trying to stay off my feet, and thus my knees and hips, today. I think this is my sciatica flaring up… although with only occasional sharp jabs of pain. If I had free access to weight machines like leg press, leg extension, and leg curls, I’d not only make my physical therapist happy, but it would help strengthen both of my hips and my back…

Now to see if I can pull off this small thing in time… I have a kneadable eraser, both WC pencils and regular colored pencils… and a sharpener…

And I’m not posting it publicly until it’s been handed off to the person.


Posted in animal advocacy, cats, community, dreams, homeless, life, Personal, silliness

5/22: Baby Gates, Cats, and Chickens

As you can possibly tell, this post is not about crowdfunding.

Baby Gates: I have two wood frame baby gates. I stack them one over the other in the doorway so that Portia, my fluffy escape artist, stays in the room. I have to take the top one down to get in and out. Earlier, I was coming back in, took the top one down, and climbed over the both of them. Portia, of course, was in the way. BTW, that brat can clear one gate without touching it.

I moved my bare foot forward, but didn’t know that the latch piece was sticking out… my bare toes hit gate latch. Now, I’m notorious for breaking bones doing the most mundane of things. Like walking on the sidewalk. So far, nothing but some scraped skin… but they do still sting a bit. I would love a better system, but it just ain’t gonna happen.

Speaking of cats… eventually, I will get my shit together, get a decent job, and get my own place again with Portia in tow. Then… I’ll get a second feline to keep her company while I’m off doing whatever job I end up getting. I’ve sworn for years that I’ll only adopt adults. But Portia is taking up JoJo’s DIVA CARD since she passed away in February. She’s showing intolerance for other adult cats.

At the same time, I have zero interest in getting young kittens. I believe, in her life before me, that Portia had at least one litter of kittens. She’s shown an interest in certain things. Indicators to me that she’s been a mommy cat. Coming to the computer when I watch a video with kittens mewing… alert and looking for the kittens in distress…. moving “kittens” (my balled up socks) from one place to another…. all momma cat signs. Again, no interest in little ones.

So, despite my swearing up and down to only adopt adults, I’m thinking someone at the 6 month to one year range may be best. Young enough for her to see as someone to “take under her mommy wing” but not a little one. So, we’ll see. I’m definitely not ready yet. Still between “homes” of my own.

Chickens: A few years back, I worked for a guy who had a couple of chickens in the back yard. When I started working there, his family was out of town (we worked in a home office). He had more eggs than he could handle, so I got to take some super-fresh eggs home one day.

I have never had eggs that fresh before. Holy Frijoles, Batman!! MASSIVE difference from even the “fresh” eggs at the store. No comparison. Seriously.

There’s a neighbor near where I’m staying who has four chickens (and a Corgi who guards them). Whenever I walk past them, I think of how cool it would be to have fresh eggs like that again. So, while I prefer a more urban life in a building with things called elevators, there may come a day when I find myself with a house, or at least a place with a backyard. In that yard, I’d have two things: a Catio attached to the back of the house so my felines at the time can have an outdoor space if they wish, and a coop with a couple of chickens. Maybe do some veggie gardening. Although I have a terrible habit of killing plants… I don’t mean to, it just… happens.

For now, I live the life I have. It isn’t always easy. There are many frustrating and exasperating things. But I’m here.


Posted in adoption, animal advocacy, anxiety, bugaboos, cats, crowdfunding, dragon, emergency, family, homeless, life, music, Personal, silliness, storage, urgent

5/14: This time I’ll remember a title (#crowdfunding)


So I must have been more tired than I thought when I wrote up last night’s blog post. I didn’t realize until this morning when I checked the stats that I’d forgotten to put anything beyond the date (sometimes I put that after I write). Whoops.

The usual stuff: need help saving storage and all my stuff, etc… yes I’m quickly running out of time here. Thursday is the auction and I need to prove I’ll have funds by the time they close the office at 6pm PST Wednesday. Yeah… only a few more days. 

On to other things… there’s the big elelephant in the room. Mother’s Day. My mom passed away from end stage Alzheimer’s (total organ failure, etc) in 2013. But with her disease, this day hasn’t felt like anything special for a lot longer. Before that, it was ‘meh’ as we constantly fought. The two strongest willed people in the family… yeah, fireworks happened… a lot. I never got that mother-adult daughter relationship. It was stolen from me by a disease that hits the caretakers the hardest. She went to her death never seeing me as a strong adult who can do awesome things. She forever saw the four year old teaching herself to play the melody of the Star Spangled Banner on the piano without knowing how to read music, and yet, once learned, my mother actively discouraged me playing it.

I also have a friend or two who don’t think women like me with pets instead of human children should celebrate it as a ‘mom.’ Even being hostile about it and saying they’ll unfriend anyone who wishes a Happy Mother’s Day to women who only have pets.

[Oh shit… Dragon wants a word…]

Look here, hun, just because I chose to not fertilize my damn eggs and put more dragons out there to devour stupid humans does NOT mean I’m not a mom. I pick up more cat shit from one cat alone in her entire life than you do changing diapers. Don’t even start with me. I step on toys, clean up errant cat poop, take her to the vet, feed her the best damn food I can get for her and her specific needs and issues, make sure she’s healthy and happy and clean and know what that furball gives me in return?

Unconditional LOVE. Laughter at her antics. Purr therapy when I’m stressed out. 

I don’t need to bring more like me into this overcrowded world. It’s fucked up enough without more from my gene pool. So, you go do you, be a parent to human children all you damn well please. Just know that I’m over here saving animals and I don’t have to buy them clothes every six months and worry about how I’m gonna pay for their college. I may adopt a human child one day… when I’m damn well ready to do so.

You do you, and leave us pet lovers alone. 

[shoves Dragon off the chair]


Sorry about that. She can be a handful at times. Anyway….

Sooo… I’m taking things one nerve-wracking day at a time. Job hunting, etc. Never easy, but that’s life.

Nightly poem to be uploaded later….


Posted in crowdfunding, life, Personal, silliness


Beware: my jaw/tooth pain flared up right before bed, so I’m medicated and said meds do NOT let me sleep. You may get subjected to random late night posts. Maybe.

So, my feet are always so damn cold. Few years back, I discovered Heat Holders socks on Amazon. I have managed to annihilate four or five pairs in that time. Why? Because unless I’m wearing shoes and going outside, I’m wearing the current pair. Thus, every damn pair I have had have holes in the bottoms and where the holes aren’t, the fluff of the nice comfy socks is worn thin. Back to cold feet.

I may cannibalize older pairs and hand sew ankle sections onto the soles of the current pair for now. There are some on wish list, if someone was so inclined (and had Prime, so no shipping fee).

The room I’m staying in right now has old area rugs and such over a tile floor. 

A tile floor colder than a melting ice floe.

I’m wearing a pair of fuzzy socks inside my HH socks, and my feet are still frozen.

Enough about socks and my frozen feet…

I’m still amused by the public posts on my Patreon from last summer while volunteering at Westercon. Anyone can read them. All I can say is: “Dilithium Hamsters?”

~Penguin (who should be used to cold feet by now, but isn’t)