Posted in anxiety, auction, chronic pain, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, disability, emergency, faith, family, friends, insomnia, job hunting, life, Personal, poverty line, society, urgent, writing

2/20: LAAAAGGGG!!! & #crowdfunding

SSSHHHHAAAAAARRRE MMEEEEEEE!!! PLEASE? (I’m feeling a bit weird today)

I’m BAAAAAaaaaack!! After a week and a half without regular wi-fi and only my phone’s hotspot, which I almost killed a few days ago, I’m back online with normal wi-fi. This means I can stop screaming at my computer and phone and make my neighbors all worried I’m killing* something in here.

*- No electronics were harmed. Really.

So, since I’ve been out of a regular paying job, my income has dwindled to a rather dangerous point. My tasking is barely anything (2 tasks this month so far). Here’s the need and goal:

  1. Storage. I owe about 1000 or so. I need to get it -completely- paid up before the end of the month. Once it’s fully paid up, then I can move stuff out and the rest down to a smaller unit like I’ve been planning. I have zero access until it’s paid in full.
  2. Electric. While they aren’t going to shut me off during the winter, it would be nice to throw them $50 or so of what I currently owe.
  3. Cell phone bill. I set up a split payment arrangement to keep it turned on, with $60 this week and the remainder next week. I need to change the payments, though.
  4. Water/Garbage/Sewer. $47. It’s all lumped together and then they split it evenly between residents. By the end of February.
  5. Cat food (canned) as well. My cat goes through canned and dry. While this isn’t super-dooper urgent, the wet food has helped her coat tremendously. She gets Natural Balance Duck and Green Pea LiD. Same for her kibble, but she has enough of that for the moment.
  6. PO Box. $41 or something around that number.
    By the end of February.

I basically need a big ol’ miracle or something. The phone is my only one now and it’s the only way I can get tasks. And with applying for jobs, I need a phone that’s active to get calls and such.


In other non-begging news, my sleep is possibly improving a smidge. Health is improving a bit. School is as good as it can be for a Right Brain person trying to manage Left Brain schoolwork. I find that my testing ability still stinks and I do slightly better with the actual accounting work than with the vocabulary that comprises the midterm, which I tanked.

I had a phone interview last week, but did not make it to the next round of interviews with that company. I keep applying for stuff, but it gets frustrating when you have skills and they don’t seem to see those skills on paper.

Yesterday, I wrote up as much as I could remember of a dream that was VERY fictional and I knew it would be a good story. I still need to fill in the gaps, but this piece is something I want to eventually submit somewhere.

I refuse to let the shit in my life win and beat me back down. I just have a lot to work on.

~A

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Posted in anxiety, auction, chronic pain, community, cosplay, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, emergency, faith, family, friends, insomnia, life, poverty line, storage, urgent

2/4: Why I’m still fighting #crowdfunding

I know some may wonder why I need help with storage so soon after getting it pulled from auction a month ago. See, I owed 1400 a month ago. Raised 800 and got it pulled. On the condition I would pay the remainder off by the end of January. That came and went with little coming in. Tasks have been almost non-existent and the PT job/internship dried up for a couple of reasons with my last paycheck depositing last Friday.

On top of that, I had to pay part of my rent for this month as rental assistance may be going away sooner rather than later. So, everything has gone to that.

With late fees tacked on, my total is now closer to 700 than the 600-ish it was a month ago. Honestly, I wasn’t sure if they’d let me still try after January was over, but they are. So I have until end of day today (6pm Pacific) to get it caught up. Then I can arrange to have a day off access (I hope) and get some stuff out and the rest moved down to a smaller unit.

It is still set for auction at the end of the month, but I really need to get caught up and get my mattress and stuff out. My back is getting worse and sleeping on the floor doesn’t help at all.

I still need income. I’ll work on that this week. Somehow, someway.

~A

Posted in anxiety, auction, community, crowdfunding, depression, disability, emergency, faith, friends, gratitude, health, life, poverty line, society, storage

1/30: Less than 24 hours #crowdfunding

$700 needed. Any help of any kind, sharing even, is immensely appreciated.

I know, we were just at this junction at the beginning of this month. The agreement I made was that I’d get it caught up before the end of January or it would be auctioned off at the next date.

I’ve been bringing it up, along with my other financial stuff that makes it impossible for me to have the money on my own.

I have to pay part of my rent for February and what little I have and am getting Friday is going to that. I have nothing else and I haven’t gotten any more tasks. I hope that picks back up soon.

The goal still stands of when I regain access:

  • Regain access
  • Remove furniture and things to be used in the apartment
  • Move the remainder of the items in storage to a smaller, more affordable unit.

Then this shouldn’t happen again as long as I keep getting work. Believe me, I’ve been kicking myself for not having my shit together more by now. My health and other crap has been stretching me thin. But if there is any more compassion out there, I could use a little more help.

It would be nice to sleep on my mattress again.

Thank you from the depths of my soul.

~A

Posted in anxiety, auction, C-PTSD, community, crowdfunding, dreams, emergency, faith, friends, homelessness, housing, life, observations, Personal, poverty line, society, storage, transitions, urgent

1/2/19: Anxiety #crowdfunding

I’m not sure how else to get anyone’s attention. What can I do? Coming out of homelessness sucks when you know you have the tools to start rebuilding your life, but can’t access them for a lack of funds.

Trust me, I’d MUCH rather be blogging about normal topics. More poetry and stuff. But life can hand -no, not hand- HURL challenges at some people like it’s an every day thing. At least this is how it feels to me.

I do my best not to compare myself to others, but I do look around me at others in society. It does feel like some people got the Manual for Adulthood at an early age, and the rest of us are still trying to figure it all out.

I could totally blame the world, but some of it is on me. I made some choices that have scarred me for life. Abusive relationships and all. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better, but there is no magic wand. No easy fix. I know that. Probably better than most.

I just ask and hope that enough people or the right people… just people hear my request and can answer with the help I need. I need one more chance. I’m almost there.

~A

Posted in anxiety, birthdays, community, crowdfunding, emergency, faith, family, friends, life, poverty line, society, storage, urgent

1/1/19: Relentlessly Something [#crowdfunding]

One more time for the evening. I’m exhausted from the stress, but gotta keep trying. Nearly everything I own, including furniture I can’t afford to replace any time soon, is in my 8×20 storage unit that will get auctioned in less than 48 hours (roughly noon on 1/3).
I’ve hit a massive wall in terms of finances and help. The good thing is that IF I can save it this time, I’ll be able to move a fair amount of what’s in it into my new apartment two blocks away and then what’s left into a SMALLER and CHEAPER unit.

If someone I’m connected to in some way is willing to do a reasonable loan for part of it, I’m willing to listen and work on terms. I don’t make much, but need to get a second job anyway, so I’ll have more income. Soon-ish. Have to. That’s a whole long story.

But no job I get in the next day or two will help with saving my unit. That I do know. So I ask for help. Hopefully, this will be the last ever time I need to do this. I’d rather be tired from moving my furniture two blocks into my apartment than tired from the stress of asking for help.

The plan:

  1. Catch up the rent on storage.
  2. Move out roughly half of what’s in there to the apartment. (It’s two blocks from me)
  3. Move the remaining stuff in the storage unit to a smaller storage unit on the property.
  4. Manage that rental amount. It would be roughly $150 instead of $305/mo.
  5. Make this adulting thing work, dangit!

~A

Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, auction, bugaboos, Christmas, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, disability, emergency, family, friends, housing, job hunting, life, Personal, poverty line, storage, urgent

“Oh, being treated like an adult?” #crowdfunding

More updates and shit. So, I have the date of the auction for storage. In the image below. Ignore the fact that it says 2018, not 2019. Seriously. I guess they aren’t ready for the new year either. I’d like to try getting it caught up before Christmas. Waking up on Christmas Morning on my own mattress would make me very happy.

I’m ready to go for my classes starting in January. I’m glad I chose online classes after all, as Human Solutions is looking at cutting off my rental assistance after February. I really don’t understand this whole mess. My pay from my internship won’t be nearly enough to pay for rent, let alone everything else. I’ll need a second job with decent pay. TG, my dude at CCC making all my contacts and arrangements, may be able to get it extended… I don’t know, so I better be ready. Which will suck. 

In other news: The attorney’s office that has been handling my disability case for almost two and a half years has decided to close my case as they don’t see a point in appealing the judge’s decision. I had been looking at changing to a different agency for pursuing the case, so this just frees me up. I just don’t fucking get why they decided to drop my case. But I’ll keep going.

My internship is going well. I find office life fascinating. Hence the quote in the title. That was what my supervisor said when I mentioned to her about not having to check with them about going to lunch and all. “So, being treated like an adult?” 

Yup. After so many years mostly in retail, I find it strange. The banter and general relaxed atmosphere is so different. I like it, and yet I’m still oddly nervous about screwing up.

Well, I plan on “arting” this weekend. I hope. I have ideas, canvasses, and paint. We’ll see how far this gets. 

~A

Posted in auction, C-PTSD, chronic pain, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, disability, emergency, empath life, faith, family, friends, health, life, medical, Personal, poverty line, PTSD, society, storage, urgent

12/9: The week and being disabled… #crowdfunding

Warning: this may end up rambly and bizarre. And, FTR, I am in dire straits again with storage. I’m still sleeping on the floor (much to my poor back’s dismay… ouch). It’s set for auction later this month. Even with the couple of tasks I’ve had so far and the weekly small paychecks from my internship, I won’t have nearly enough (I also have my phone bill, internet bill, food, cat stuff like pet-specific CBD oil, and other things). 

That last post, about standing desks, oddly sucked a sizable chunk of my energy. Not like I had that much to begin with today. I have been battling something along the lines of a sinus infection for about 3 weeks now. Starting my internship in the middle of that didn’t help. But I needed to get that going. So I’m working two days a week at a local non-profit which is a very cool place to work, at least in my opinion.

I also have about everything down for school. I’m going back to PCC next month for some accounting and business classes. As I took Intro to Business some years back at PSU, I won’t need to take that again, so I can take an additional class. I’m thinking payroll accounting, as that’s a HUGE part of accounting and bookkeeping. 

In the middle of all of this, I’m facing my chronic pain and chronic fatigue. I’ve spent much of this weekend, into today, resting and/or sleeping. I had hoped to get some creative stuff done, but my energy flat-lined Friday afternoon after I got home from a furniture assembly task.

In all honesty, I have no idea how the hell I’m going to ever work full time. I really don’t. I’m playing phone tag with my disability attorney, and I’m frustrated as all hell. I wanted to get some cleaning and painting done this weekend and I’ve barely gotten anything done. I managed to clear some of the kitchen, but knowing the meager size of my kitchen, that isn’t saying much.  I think the biggest chore I was able to tackle this weekend was cleaning the litter boxes. 

After I was denied this summer from my disability hearing (which, according to my attorney was a “sure thing” by the way the judge was talking), I read the report. Basically, I didn’t appear “disabled enough.” So, because I’ve lived with my back injury for 29 years and it’s getting worse and I’ve figured out ways to work WITH it or AROUND it, I’m not disabled enough….. fffffuuuuuuuu…. *ahem*

Honestly, right now, I’d love to have them see how I’m living right now. i’m sleeping on the floor because I can’t afford to get my storage caught up long enough to get my mattress and furniture out, I can’t stand in the kitchen and do anything longer than 5-10 minutes at a time. Yes, that was today. I managed to get up, rinse off some dishes and put them in the small dishwasher and then run that. It’s done, but not emptied. Bast only knows when that will get emptied. I don’t have a partner or roommate to help me with things. Honestly, I don’t really want one, either one. Especially after spending the past year and a half living with other people -either in the shelter or with friends. 

On that note, there was a woman at the shelter who couldn’t FATHOM why someone would not want to live with other people. Why someone would WANT to be alone. What bugged me is that she kept saying she’s also an introvert, but this was one of the most social women on our floor at the shelter. She wasn’t loud, but she was always out in the community room cooking or chatting or… yeah. For me, add being an Empath who can’t block to save my sanity on top of the whole being an Introvert. I can “people” in very small doses. The more people I’m around or interact with, such as on transit or at conventions, the shorter that amount of time ends up being. My PTSD doesn’t help either. I love hugging people, but have pulled away from being social in part because hugs make me a bit less comfortable now. And yet, if I’m greeting a friend or saying goodbye to them, I’m usually the one who holds my arms open to hug them. I’m a walking contradiction. I hate people but love hugging. Go figure.

Now, one may wonder why I did a post on standing desks. Well, a few reasons. I want one to help with my back. If I can go from sitting to standing and back when I need to for reducing the stiffness, and thus pain, in my back and legs, the better off I’ll be. Also, I started my little quest by looking at drafters chairs, you know… the ones that go up higher, for using possibly in the kitchen. This would possibly help my longevity in the kitchen. The way my apartment is, the desk would be right next to the kitchen, so a taller chair to go back and forth (which can be lowered down as needed) would be awesome. It also means I’d have a place to put said chair when it isn’t needed in the kitchen. This place is not that big. Seriously. Everything needs to serve more than one purpose or space. Chairs included. Hell, my bed will have storage (once I can afford to get the frame I want), my desk will be for both computers and the sewing and embroidery machines, and the shelving I want to use for my TV stand will also house my record collection, music and DVD’s and some books. The bench I want to put at the foot of the bed (if there’s room), will have books, shoes and be a place I can sit briefly to put said shoes ON. 

I’ve planned this apartment out to every damn detail. I just don’t have the money to execute my plans. First, I need to get storage settled and accessible. It’s three months behind. October sucked for work, so I couldn’t pay for storage… and then, as it does, it snowballed out of control. So…. halp?

~A

Posted in anxiety, auction, chronic pain, community, crowdfunding, emergency, faith, friends, health, housing, job hunting, life, nanowrimo, Personal, poverty line, storage, writing

How did it get to be December already? #nanowrimo #crowdfunding (again)

The last couple of months have been a blur. Still trying to settle into the apartment, but still don’t have my stuff from storage. October sucked for jobs and November, while better, ended up going to bills and food since they cut my food stamps back to a pathetic amount. So it’s gonna go to auction later this month and I’ll be screwed yet again unless I can get it caught up with nothing short of a small Christmas Miracle. 

I’m still sleeping on the floor. Which sucks for my back. But I’m dealing. I’ve started my internship (for privacy, I’m not going to disclose where it is until after it’s over).

I also did NaNoWriMo again, and ended up doing almost 14K words on the final day. Not my biggest final day marathon, but comes in second (1st place goes to 2009 with 16K on the last day). After a break, I may clean it up, do a couple of quick’n’dirty edit runs, make a simple cover, and then release it. It’s what I classify as EnviroSF… I think there’s another term as well starting to float around. 

I need to find a second steady PT gig to help with expenses. The internship isn’t going to pay enough and it is only temporary. Working it around the internship and classes will be the biggest challenge. I just simply need more steady income. 

The big thing on my mind right now, other than getting my paperwork and everything done for school, is storage. I’m now up to about $1100 needed. I’ll post when I hear the date of the auction. Honestly, if it hadn’t been for October being all fucked up financially, I’d be fine on storage. But it sucked. And I’m back in a bind. Once it’s caught up and I have furniture out, I can work on moving everything to a smaller unit that won’t be $300/month. 

~A

Posted in adoption, anxiety, C-PTSD, cats, community, depression, disability, family, food, food cravings, health, housing, job hunting, life, nanowrimo, poverty line, PTSD, storage, urgent, writing

10/31: FOOD! (and a bit o’begging) and #NaNoWriMo

(trigger warning: talk of suicidal ideation and PTSD further down) Pardon the wonky spacing…

Here’s hoping that since I was able to log into my EBT account to check my balance, that it’s been reinstated. I tried logging in over the weekend on my phone and it said it couldn’t access the account. Just now, I was able to on the CB. Tomorrow is the day I get to see if they’ve changed my amount.

I haven’t gotten any letters (picked up mail yesterday). I definitely need those food stamps right now. If anyone has every seen my fridge/freezer and pantry from before the eviction, you’d understand why the barren landscape of the fridge and freezer (and somewhat barrenness of the cabinets I have now) is so daunting.

I’ve almost always had frozen meat of different kinds, as well as veggies and other things… and the only things in the freezer right now are a wedge of local bleu cheese and the packs of Dorot minced garlic and basil. And a couple of ice packs. No ice cube trays to make ice. No chicken, no nothing. The fridge usually has cheese and sauces and lots of other things… not right now. So, food stamps for November are SUPER important. I need to restock. Badly.


I was raised to have a full pantry and fridge/freezer (although my mother took that to excess with a second full sized freezer crammed to the hilt). This was so that if one couldn’t go to the store, we could still pull from what we had and make dinner or whatever. I’m not a huge fan of frozen veggies anymore, but I’ll gladly still stock some up for backup needs.
Frozen chicken breasts and pork chops… stew beef… you name it. A frozen dinner or two on occasion (Amy’s Rice Mac and Cheese is amazing and awesome comfort food). A container or two of crumbled hard cheeses in the freezer… Feta and Bleu usually. Grated Parm… all in the freezer. Yes, you can freeze them. I LOVE making scrambles with some of the cheese sprinkled in at the last minute… 

So, here’s hoping my food money got reinstated.


I’ve pretty much given up asking this one friend of mine for help. This person has told me that if I need something, to ask. Period. I did. A month ago. They said they’d help a week later… I checked in then… had to wait… and then wait… I know this person is dealing with a lot, hence why I’ve decided to no longer ask.

My only thing is that this month has SUCKED for tasks, which have been my only income for two years. All while trying to find steady employment I’m physically capable of. But this month has seen ONE task, one cancellation fee, and less than $200 in income. And that has gone to nudging my checking account back up to ZERO (thanks to the cell phone I need in order to run the app for getting tasks). So, I’ve had no usable income this month.

A month ago, when I got storage caught up before auction, I thought I’d have another decent month, so I didn’t worry so much about October. Then my app for getting tasks stayed silent. I had one cancel, one was fraudulent, and then the one I did get.

Another that was supposed to be today, but I don’t have the tools on my to mount things to concrete (better drill than what I have… which i have in storage, but can’t get to, and masonry drill bits, which I don’t have at all), so the whole thing, including assembly, got cancelled. Last night. Mind you, it wouldn’t have counted as October income anyway, as the billing would take a couple of days to process.

So, I need help just to get October paid. Then I can get in there and get tools out (if I can FIND the damn things) and my mattress and other stuff so I don’t look like I’m squatting in my own apartment.


Yesterday was Portia’s Gotcha Day Anniversary. 10/30/2010 is the day I adopted her. Eight years later, she’s saved me from suicide and getting stabby toward male humans who don’t understand personal space on transit (PTSD from sexual assault sucks when you’re on transit). We almost had a vet visit due to a couple of hotspots on her skin (that’s the one main health issue with her: sensitive skin and stomach). But no money, denied for CareCredit, and waiting for PAW Team to call back (it takes time to get an appt with them) all ended up with me just keeping an eye on her for now. They’re likely from stress-grooming, so my friend is going to hand off a partial bottle of CBD oil for pet use and I’ll try that in her wet food (which I need more of soon. See her wishlist on Amazon… if someone was so inclined).

My girl is now roughly 13… they said she was 4-5 when I adopted her. But no one really knows exactly how old she is. I’ve been saying she’s 12 for about 2 years now. So, I’ll finally bump it up to 13. Still a guess, though.

IMG_20180328_210201_131.jpg


Tomorrow is November 1st. The start of NaNoWriMo. This will be my 13th year straight. It’ll be fun and challenging, but I’m game. This year I have two ideas that I’m going to combine into one SF story. I also have a couple of backup tales if my characters take a break and don’t want to talk for a bit.

~A

Posted in anxiety, C-PTSD, chronic pain, community, creativity, depression, disability, faith, family, friends, grief, health, homelessness, job hunting, life, poverty line, PTSD, society, storage, transitions, urgent, writing

10/27: Creativity and Storage

It’s now been a week in the new place. I also still don’t have access to storage so I can get my mattress and stuff out. I was depending on one person who said they’d help, but hasn’t so far.

Tasks are slowly picking up. I had one yesterday and have another one tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, those two will only get me closer to $0 in my checking account as I’m about $260 in the red. If I’d had work throughout the month, I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

So, I’m asking. It’s only one month’s rent plus late fees ($305 plus about 40 or so), and using PayPal will keep it from getting sucked into the checking account (I did finally deactivate the GFM).

It wouldn’t bother me so much if it weren’t for my back. I’m sleeping on the floor with very little cushion. I’m now getting numbness along my right side (the side I keep re-injuring), which isn’t good.

The sooner I can get into storage and get things out, the sooner I can move the rest of it into a smaller unit again. Which means less storage rent. My goal will be to go from the 8×20 unit down to a 9×10. It’s about half the price.


Now that that’s all out of the way…

I finally heard from the one place I might be doing that internship/job (the place doesn’t pay me, SE Works/state does). I like the place. They’re an arts organization that focuses on making arts education available to all, among other things. I’m hopeful.

Right now, my focus in on getting my life back on track, but I also can’t forget what drives and heals me: creativity. With that, I am happy to say that I will be doing NaNoWriMo for the 13th year running. I’ve done and won all previous 12 years. Last year, I was a mess, though. I admit that. I ended up piecing together my 50K words from various half-finished stories. This year, I have two small ideas that are going to be expanded into one larger tale. I haven’t decided if it’s going to be fully off-world SciFi or Post-Apocalyptic Earth… not yet. It doesn’t wholly change the story much. In the snippet I wrote earlier this year, I do reference a poison gas that was used in WWI (Mustard Gas), but it could still be referenced similarly in an off-world story. Just maybe the planet they’re on is one humans colonized and shit went sideways.

Who knows… I’ll let the characters determine that part. I know that Post-Apoc stories are a HUGE thing right now. It would be very easy to make this PA.

My writing has stalled in some aspects the last two years or so. Four years ago, my dad died, and he was my biggest fan and cheerleader. A month ago, I lost another cheerleader, my friend Connie, to cancer. She was always in awe of how I came up with the adventures and random shit my characters ended up doing. So this year is for Connie. I’ll make sure they get into a decent amount of mayhem.

Now that I’m coming out of homelessness, I can stop being on constant alert… hyper-vigilant mode. That’s from a combination of homelessness and PTSD. It’ll take some time to fully come out of it.

I think writing this tale in November will help pull me back into life again. Where I don’t have to keep looking over my shoulder.

~A