Posted in activism, asexuality, bigotry, bugaboos, faith, LGBTQIA Pride, life, Personal, politics, sexuality, society

6/26: Building Bridges… #politics

Since the election in November here in the US and the Brexit vote in the UK, our society seems to have fallen into a free-for-all of hate and violence. I’ve posted on the vicious cycle in the past. Quite recently, in fact. Since that post, I’ve seen news of more vehicles being used to plow into crowds of Muslims during Ramadan. And then there’s 45 (I don’t use his name) breaking a long-standing tradition of the White House celebrating Eid. He also didn’t say a word on Pride Month, so at least his hate is consistent.

One thing I’ve noticed, at least here in the US, is that a large number of people killed or harmed in hate crimes are not “white Christian people” (for the record, if you haven’t figured it out, I’m a white somewhat-Christian female), but people of color as well as non-Christian religions and LGBTQIA. Vehicles plowing into crowds of Muslims outside their own mosques, LGBT being attacked and arrested for wanting to show their pride, black men and women being gunned down by citizens and police alike, etc… the list just keeps going.

This cycle is perpetuated by fear of the unknown. That fear becomes hate. Are there attacks by non-whites? Yes. But the ratio of white attackers to non-white attackers, at least in the US, leans toward more whites than non-whites. Here in Portland, hate crimes and discrimination are on the rise. And we’re a pretty damn liberal city. Our surrounding cities and counties are not so liberal, though, and we have a lovely mass transit system here. One I use all the time. If my queerness were more obvious, I might get some random jackass giving me shit. My mohawk isn’t quite enough. Remember, this is a very liberal city. And I’m not quite queer-looking enough to get harassed.

We fear what we don’t know or understand. This is fairly common human nature. The nature of our society. The thing is that we have access to more information at our fingertips than our not-so-distant relatives. If you don’t know something, look it up. Ask questions, talk to people. If you fear Muslims, go to the site for TED Talks (also, if you have Netflix, they have a fair number of them there as well) and look up the religious ones. If you want to understand POC or LGBTQIA, …. ASK! No harm in putting a question out there.

The only stupid question is the one that never gets asked.*

Ask. Listen. Learn. Seriously, learning isn’t just in a classroom. Each day, we have a chance to learn from our surroundings. Take advantage of that.

The more we know, the less we fear. Okay, except for spiders… that’s my weakness… I know plenty about them, but still don’t like them. But when it comes to humans, just learn. When we communicate and learn from each other, the barriers we build in our minds and our society will break down and we can work together.

That’s all for now… sorry I’ve been quiet.

~Amanda

(* – Although if you ask me, as an Asexual person, about amoebas or how we mate, that is one question you should keep to yourself. It gets old.)

Posted in creativity, depression, peace, poetry, politics, writing

6/10: The Prize

The envelope torn.
The card blank.
No winner.
No loser.
No one left
To claim a prize
No one bothered
To save.

The circle continues.
Fire
Fueling
Fire.
No one
Stops.
The prize.
Chemical hate.
No one gets the prize.

The envelope burns.
The card long turned
To ash.
No losers left
To be the
Runner up.
Skies changed.
No going back.

APA 2017

Posted in anxiety, bigotry, depression, empath life, homeless, life, peace, Personal, politics, PTSD

6/3: Anger and Burnout

There is this part of me that wants to speak up… to bring up points on others’ threads that the vast majority of “terrorist” attacks here in the US have been perpetuated by white male assholes…. that no, 45 isn’t doing shit to keep us safe… when in reality, he’s encouraging that white male hate, bigotry and violence.
This part of me wants to scream at his supporters and those who are in-between and in denial about his bullshit to just fucking wake up and see that he’s screwing over them as well as the whole damn planet. He is the laughingstock of the political world except to those Repubs who are either blindly following him or knowingly using his idiocy to their advantage. I want to shake them. I want them to wake up and try to understand how this all works.
But I’m tired. I have my own shit to deal with in my life. I struggle to find work. I have lost more in the last five years, than in the previous ten combined. Both parents, my beloved soulmate kitty, my apartment, and a fair bit of my sanity (or so it feels). I’ve developed social anxiety and delved into a depression I can’t shake. 
I have more days than I’d care to admit where I just want to curl up in a ball and shut the whole world out. But I can’t. I have to stay connected. Job hunting, keeping up on storage, doing stuff here where I’m staying. Trying to muster the energy to keep going.
One might think that at my age, I should have my shit together and know where I fit into society, but I don’t. I see and feel stuff around me and feel even more at odds with where I fit and what’s going on in society.
I want to speak up more, but it drains me. I don’t like arguing with people. I’ve had enough of that in my life before now. I crave peace. Not just for myself, but for all. Is it wrong to wish for that? Is it wrong to want the hate and violence to stop? It keeps going in this vicious cycle. One side attacks the other, then retaliation… and it keeps going around in circles. When does it end? Breaking that circle has to happen… and soon. Nothing will be left to save if we keep letting it go around again and again.
I have my moments…. I want to save the world… or even a part of it… and then I realize I’m one person. I can’t do it all. I have to take care of me and my cat first. But sometimes being an Empath can suck. I want to reach out and help others so much. I just want there to be less pain, less anger.
Less violence.
~Amanda
Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, chronic pain, community, creativity, crowdfunding, eviction, life, peace, Personal, politics, PTSD, storage, urgent

5/11: One Week of #Crowdfunding and other things

SSHHAAAAAAARREE MMMEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Are you sick of me crowdfunding yet? I’m not sure what else to do to save my belongings in storage. I struggle with finding work, have nothing I can sell off that’s currently in my possession. Yes, there are things in storage that could be sold, but I can’t access them so I can’t justify trying to sell them (because what if I do take their money but still don’t get enough to save everything… I don’t think that’s fair).

So, I’m trying to get help from friends and friends of friends and whomever will help by sharing and/or donating. Only other thing I can think of is taking pre-orders for Magehunter, but that would be a LOT of pre-orders and I’m still editing it. Patreon is good, but anyone that signs up now … I don’t think it would help in time. I also don’t have anything for May, so… yeah.

And I need ALL the help I can get. 

I’m also glad that I was accepted into Voc Rehab. My hope is that they can help with resources to transition me from basic jobs I can no longer do to jobs I want to do and have the mental skillset to do. That it isn’t just like the Unemployment Office where they look at the last jobs you had and fit you with similar jobs (trying to get away from those, thank you very fucking much). My counselor there was sick last week the day of my appt, so I see her next week. But right now, other than job hunting, I’m trying to save all my stuff.


Apparently my “response” post and the one it referred to from the previous day got a lot of attention.. well a lot for my blog. I will say this one last thing: I do my damnedest to be extremely tolerant of others around me. Right now I’m dealing with a lot of stress and my ability to tolerant ignorant behavior from people who -one might assume- should know better is diminishing. Being essentially homeless myself as well as jobless, and dealing with C-PTSD (Complex PTSD, more common for sexual assault survivors) and physical disabilities and a few other things I don’t really talk about publicly… I do my best, but I do get frustrated and even a bit angry when I have to point out something so obvious to someone who is oblivious.

I was calm with the girl, but yeah, I vented later. I’d prefer to handle things that way. If I didn’t, I’d have an arrest record right now. Some people are offended by my venting? Well, then next time I’ll go off on the person and get arrested and I’ll give TC’s (or whomever else gets offended by my words on here) email address and name and tell the cops that they can post my bail. This is my coping mechanism for trying to keep calm in a world that just keeps pissing me off. I’d much rather write it up on here than be in a jail cell.

And that, I think, is my final word on that mess from earlier this week.


I could rant on political fuckery right now, but I haven’t taken my heart meds yet today, so maybe later.

All I’ll say for now is: When do the impeachment hearings start? Soon, I hope… they all need to go down in flames.

~Amanda

Posted in activism, bigotry, community, empath life, history, peace, poetry, politics

5/5: Poetry: No More

Sharing this w/o any other commentary.

No more.
Hate and violence.
War and fear.
When do we start valuing
Peace?
Kindness?
Community?

No more.
Greed is the religion
Of those in power.
Sacrifice is foreign to them.
Bigger bombs.
Bigger guns.
Power and fear.

No more.
Bodies lying face down
In rivers polluted with greed.
Mass graves dug of hate
And indifference.
People dying because of their
Skin color.
Sexuality.
Religion.

When?
Stop fighting.
Stop killing.
Stop hating.
Stop judging.
If we do not.
The world we live in will be.
No more.

 

Posted in activism, bigotry, community, crowdfunding, faith, life, peace, Personal, politics, society, storage

4/28: More on Peace & #crowdfunding

Crowdfunding… well, yeah. Are ya’ll sick of it yet? I know many of my friends are living paycheck to paycheck as it is… but my request is that even if you can’t donate, share my posts or the YouCaring campaign with people you know. Even if we have 40+ friends in common, you’ll have people among your friends that I won’t know and maybe they can help. (Most of what’s showing on the YC campaign has long been used for things like moving van, etc)

storage money owed: 642
AS of 4/15, this is what I owe. I don’t know if the auction fee was added by this point.

Now, more on Peace. I was in a strange frame of mind last night when I wrote that post. Here’s my deal: I grew up with bigotry, as I have stated many times, and while I don’t fully understand WHY people hate (and really, it’s likely as many reasons as there are bigots) I do know that it won’t get us anywhere if we keep up the hate and anger from all sides. Yes, bigots tend to incite violence. Did you see the article about Saffiyah Khan in England who approached one of the loudest bigots at a rally of theirs and just stood there, smiling? Be more like her. Deflect and protect yourself, but don’t throw the proverbial first punch. If you can’t control your anger, walk away. Please.

Do I slip up and go on angry rants and call shitty politicians and wannabe politicians nasty names? Sure. But I don’t attack in general. I am a die-hard Liberal, and grew up with Republican parents (My dad joked when I registered to vote, “where did we go wrong with you?” smiling the whole time. He was more liberal than his voting choices let others to believe).  During the election mess the last year or more, I noticed that some Republicans were really more middle-of-the-road than they’d like to think they are. So, knowing my dad and some of those politicians stances, I refuse to lump ALL Republicans together. I try not to, at least. Sometimes, they just need to take a step back and keep their mouths shut, lest they say something so insanely stupid I cringe.

I think what bothers me the most about many Republican politicians and their followers is that they try to claim themselves Christians, while spewing bigotry and judgment. But what did Jesus teach? Certainly not hate. Not bigotry. And judgment isn’t our job. For those who believe, judgment is God’s job, not ours. To call oneself a Christian, you must follow the teachings of Jesus. He taught love, acceptance, humility, among many other things. Not hate. If you’re going to call yourself a Christian, try following His teachings. I’ve read them, have you?

Back to Peace. The way that Saffiyah Khan handled herself was considerably more Christ-like than all of the shouting and hate and bigotry I’ve seen from people who consider themselves Christians. To hate so strongly, to use force against someone just because they’re different, to incite violence in the name of God… that is not what Jesus taught. Are there people of other faiths who show hate and use violence? Yes. I’m not denying that. But those individuals are a small fraction of the people of those faiths. I’ve seen more Muslims be helpful and kind in recent months than I have of people who consider themselves Christians. I know Atheists who are kinder. I also know some Atheists who hate as much as those from different religions.

We’ve done enough damage to ourselves and our planet with all of this hate. Don’t get me started on greed. That’s destroying the planet just as much.

We can do better.

We have to.

This is our only planet.

And underneath all of our differences, we bleed the same color of blood, have the same organs. You get the idea. Instead of stooping to the level of the bigots, be better. Show peace. Smile, as Saffiyah Khan did. We may not change it all over night, or even within one generation, but if we choose peace over violence, change for the better will happen.

~Peace Penguin

Posted in activism, bigotry, community, crowdfunding, emergency, faith, life, music, peace, Personal, politics, storage, urgent

4/27: Music, #crowdfunding, and Peace

(Still #crowdfunding… as if that wasn’t patently obvious by now) I’ve cleaned up the main text on the YouCaring campaign. I have a bad habit of rambling. And with no one to stop me, it just keeps going… much like a certain bright pink battery powered rabbit with a drum in commercials.

Music: I’ve talked about my lifelong relationship with music in the past. I started playing piano at 4, singing a few years later. Listening as soon as I was out of diapers. Music got me through some of my darkest times, including now. The only frustrating thing is that since I don’t have my own place with my speakers and such, I can’t really crank it up and dance like the mad fool I am (if you play Hakuna Matata around me, I will go “full dork”).

If you had a few minutes to glance at my iTunes (most of my CD’s are ripped in), you would see everything from Bach and Chopin to Green Day and P!nk. Just about every genre covered. Music is my escape from the world.

Peace: This is a massive topic, but here’s one thing I’ve seen. The new Heineken commercial has many praising it, but also a fair number mad about it. I get it. I don’t like bigots and their hate either. I lived with a parent that way. I hated everything she stood for. Her Alzheimer’s made things worse as well.

But here’s the thing, if we keep hating and seeing bigots as the enemy, we will never make change happen as it needs to. We will never have a solid world community where there is no war. In any situation where two or more parties are at odds with each other (a marriage gone bad is one example, war between countries is a larger one), fighting and anger will get us nowhere. Judging and hating others who are different than we are will never accomplish anything good.

No, I don’t expect anyone to change their view overnight. Just planting a seed of peace.

Early on when I joined Facebook, I was willing to get into wars of words with people. I’m sure my blood pressure went up those days. I do know one thing that came out of that: I stepped into several conversations over time with atheist friends who had other friends who were bashing Christians. I defended my core faith in my own way (lots of swear words). Those I was directing my words toward backed down…. and some even sent me friend requests and told me that they’d never met someone like me who knew her shit and could bark just as loud as they could. Nowadays, I don’t engage as much in FB arguments. Too many flame wars and ad hominem attacks. I have plenty of my own stress to deal with… I don’t need to deal with people who can’t have a decent discussion.

All I ask is that we figure shit out before it’s too late.

~Amanda

Posted in bigotry, bugaboos, community, empath life, faith, history, life, peace, politics, society

3/13: Anger and Society, Part Two

On Tuesday, I wrote about this guy I saw on the train whose whole body seemed filled with this anger, this rage about … something. I mentioned it to my therapist yesterday and she asked me how it made me think about my own anger. I did address that a bit in the blog post, but I felt I needed to say more.

On social media and while walking around town, I see anger. I feel it as well. I also see and feel the palpable fear of what might happen politically. The sheer disregard by some politicians (and those playing in the presidential sandbox) of the people they serve, those who voted (whether we voted for THEM or not, they still serve us). It comes from every corner of society. Hate crimes and violence are on the rise. Tempers flare over the smallest things… and some of the bigger things.

That man on the train, in his own weird way, embodies the political climate. Looking for a fight, looking to beat someone else up, kill, harm, you name it. As far as I can tell right now, we have less ambassadors on the ground in countries where we need to be. I’ve heard nothing of P45 appointing ambassadors to fill the gaps. Maybe it has been done, but I don’t think it has. Having ambassadors would mean having someone in place to help bridge the gap in foreign relations. In other words, quell the fears and build trust… maybe even a little peace-talking. Communication. Words, not bombs.

But P45 and his cronies want to make things “go boom” regardless of who gets hurt along the way.

So what can I do? What can others like me do? We can use OUR words. If they choose to try silencing us, I’d love to see them try. I may speak softly, but my stick is bigger than P45’s dick by a mile, and I’d love to see his goons try.

The guy on the train is a symbol of the mentality of war. One lone man who just wants to do harm. On the grander scale, it’s frightening. While one man with a gun or two can do a lot of damage, what he embodies can do much, much more.

So, what do we do? 

What is your talent? Are you an artist? A writer like me? A photographer? What is it that you love doing that you could put to good use?

For me, it’s my words. Yes, I draw and am a photographer as well, but my words… that is the one place I feel I have the most power. I can use my poetry and fiction, and my blog… all to help try to make sense of what’s going on around us and find a way to nourish a world community of peace, respect, and understanding of all of those around us.

There was one thing I didn’t get a chance to mention due to time during my interview on Tuesday. I was on the final round, talking with the man in charge of that department. We swapped book ideas. I told him about Thich Nhat Hanh’s Jesus and Buddha as Brothers, and he suggested to me Black Elk Speaks. This trade of info started because I chose to disclose my faith (it’s a religious company… won’t go into what company) as an Omniest. I explained to him what that was (many people don’t know) and that’s how the book name trade got going (I really hope I get this job). We talked about how we have so much in common between all world faiths.

What I didn’t get to mention was how people forget that the name Allah that is most commonly associated with Islam is really another name for God, the same God Christians worship. The same God of Judaism. All three -Judaism, Christianity, and Islam- are all Abrahamic religions. They follow the same history. If you open a Koran, you see OT and NT in brief in the beginning. The name Allah is not solely an Islamic word, but is Arabic for God. Christians who live and worship in predominately Muslim (as in Middle Eastern) countries also call Him Allah, as that’s the word for God in their language.

You can hate me or unfollow my blog for a number of reasons. My swearing, my views on faith and religion, my empathy toward the vast majority of Muslims who are mis-judged by those who hate. Go ahead, hate me as well. But I will still be here trying to promote peace as Jesus taught. At my core, my faith is that of Christianity, but as an Omniest, I look at other world faiths and examine their core belief structure. Many have quite a few similarities. One of which is what I’ll end this post with. It is worded differently between the different faiths, but the meaning is the same:

Do unto others, as you would have done unto you.

In more modern English: Treat others as you wish to be treated.

~Amanda

Posted in activism, asexuality, bigotry, community, crowdfunding, dragon, empath life, life, Personal, politics

4/8: The Calm Response & #crowdfunding

#crowdfunding still… any and all help… share my posts around (preferably the ones that go into the reason for crowdfunding… such as this one: 3/6: #Crowdfunding to Keep My Belongings or this: 3/3: Another shameless #crowdfunding post)

The 6th was a bad day overall… so my Dragon side got sassy last night. Anyone offended, I’m sorry, but it’s something I deal with. On the 6th, I had to deal with a few idiots on FB who just couldn’t see past their own wannabe-manly egos and learn something from a “female” who actually is what they’re arguing about. I stand up for those who hide their sexuality -Ace or otherwise- because of bigotry and ignorance.

I’m almost grateful my mother was lingering in the moderate stages of Alzheimer’s when I realized I was asexual. She was never tolerant of differences such as those. I don’t know what she would have said or done, but the word ‘freak’ might have be uttered if she were more aware.

Whenever articles make it into the mainstream about asexuality, we get jerks like the ones I dealt with. People who make broad assumptions and stand by them, even as those of us who are Ace try to help those who are confused understand. That’s why I’m so vocal about it. I want people to understand asexuality so they don’t make asinine statements. It’s been just over 7 years since I figured it out. I’ve dealt with far too much ignorance and bigotry. I’ve known other Aces who were treated as lesbians in their culture and were attacked and “corrective rape” took place. First, as a rape survivor, that won’t do any good. But I won’t go into all that. I covered the reasons why in the previous post.

And then, as an empath, I felt a lot of rage (my own as well as of others) about the missile attack. It bothered me that they sent so many missiles and yet so little damage and nothing immediately in response. Yesterday, it was discovered why. I’ve chalked this up to a little -yet-pricey- wargame. Nothing was accomplished. And since some planes were able to take off from that very base/airstrip…. I wonder what those missiles actually hit? Certainly not the airstrip. It was all for show. My own feelings are no longer of anger but of disgust. I don’t think P45 has done his homework at all. I don’t think he even cares. It’s all a game to him.

Until later… I have to fight off cold number 3 and a toothache/headache and be healthy enough to go to my interview Tuesday.

~Amanda