Posted in auction, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, emergency, faith, family, friends, gratitude, homelessness, job hunting, life, society, storage, urgent

2/1: I’d rather be sleeping #crowdfunding

Portia, the resident feline, woke me up by sticking her paw up my nose. I received one donation last night (per email, I should look at PP itself). I still have a long way to go.

I’d rather earn the money somehow, but without my machines and tools and supplies, I’m stuck. And finding work has been difficult.

So, here I sit, hoping we can still make a miracle happen.

~A

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Posted in auction, community, cosplay, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, emergency, faith, family, friends, gratitude, homelessness, storage, urgent

1/31: Time’s Up #crowdfunding

So, where do I go from here? Well, another $305 or so will get tacked on. Unless a miracle happens and I get the funds this evening before their central customer service office closes. That’s another couple of hours. Then it’ll get added. Which will suck.

Honestly, I’m tired of fighting with this. But I’m also stubborn as all fuck and refuse to give up. I have too many precious items in there that are irreplaceable. Costumes I designed and my mother, who was a phenomenal seamstress, made without a pattern. A caricature of me as a kid by a now-gone cartoonist. Things that are a part of me and my life.

I’ve struggled a long time and now that I’m slowly getting back up and on my feet, I’m SO close. I can’t lose these things now. This isn’t frivolous or anything. There’s little of resale value, and yet, these items in storage are valuable to ME. I hate asking for help. I kick myself that I haven’t done more.

I’ll call in the morning and find out when auction is this time. And hopefully they’ll let me keep working at paying it off. I hate that it’s at this point again.

Thank you for any help you can provide.

~A

Posted in auction, community, cosplay, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, emergency, faith, family, friends, homelessness, life, society, storage, urgent

1/31: 1 1/2 hours #crowdfunding #urgent

I likely need a bit over $700, because of late fees and stuff. Whatever anyone can do helps. I don’t know if they’ll let me keep tossing money at them after today. The on-site office closes at 6pm PT. I don’t know when it rolls over to adding February rent.

While my posting frequency today won’t break any of my own records, I am probably annoying some people. I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall. I’m struggling to keep my head above water, as many are, and I may lose my storage unit and all my furniture and memorabilia and costumes and wild and weird stuff. Things that, in part, define me.

Again, as soon as I can get access, I can remove the items I need and can fit/use here in my studio apartment, and then cram the rest into a smaller unit, which will be more affordable.

~A

Posted in community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, disability, emergency, faith, family, friends, gratitude, homelessness, housing, life, Personal, storage, urgent

1/31: 3 hours #countdown #crowdfunding

Still seeking help by end of day. 700-ish needed by 6pm.

I hate asking. I kick myself for not having my shit together more. I don’t post half the stuff that runs through my head when I’m dealing with this kind of thing.

I feel, and have for a long time, that I’m missing some key piece of life that makes things work and come together. That something that others seem to have (or maybe some are faking that aspect). I’m a jumbled mess trying to survive in this world.

So, this is another short post. If folks can spread the word and help in some way. To anyone who is newer to my blog, I was homeless for a year and a half until 3 months ago. I crammed most of my stuff into a large storage unit and have struggled to keep it up. Now that I’m in an apartment, I can get some of the bigger things out, like furniture and such. And then move the rest into a smaller unit. With help, I got it removed from auction at the start of the month, but we only paid a little over half. Now I need to pay the rest and I don’t have anything to pay with. I can’t get credit… long story. I just want to get it sorted so I can feel better about moving forward. Sleeping on the floor is taking a toll on my back.

~A

Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, emergency, faith, family, friends, gratitude, homelessness, life, storage, urgent

1/31: one more time #crowdfunding #4hours

One more time?

Some may not realize why I’m already asking for help again. See, I owed about 1400 a month ago. But they agreed to pull it for half. So, I got 800 to them with the stipulation that I’d pay the rest off by end of January. Well, here we are at the end of the month and I have nothing to give them.

I have no more second chances. After today, no more deals. It’ll go to auction with another months rent added on. I’m trying to avoid that. Once I regain access, I can move stuff to a smaller unit, but I need to pay it up first.

My back is getting worse the longer I sleep on the floor with minimal padding. My mattress and other furniture is all in there and I cannot access my unit until it’s paid off.

I’m asking one more time for help. Then I can manage it.

~A

Posted in anxiety, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, gratitude, homelessness, life, music, observations, peace, storage, suicidal ideation

1/21: Reflections on the Power of Music

(Yeah, still hoping for a bit more help to get the last of the past due caught up on storage before the end of the month. If I don’t get it paid all the way up, I have no second chances anymore.)

I’ve made no secret that I have a deep connection and love of music. I’m classically trained in voice and piano, even though I no longer sing in public due to my health and I haven’t actively played piano in 20 years. All that aside, I have always been involved with music to some degree. When I danced, obviously it was to music. I sang, I danced, I played, I listened, I promoted, I listened… I loved. I still do some of those. Dancing not so much anymore with my back and all.

When listening, I tend to gravitate toward songs that do something. Something to me specifically. They make me think, laugh, move, or cry. Inspire me. And even some that make me sing.

Sometimes it’s the artist, sometimes it’s just one song that pulls me in. I have artists in my music collection where I have greatest hits collections as well as some of the individual albums. Some I’ve seen in concert, but most I have not.

My collection is vast and varied. I listen to damn near anything. My collection mirrors that. I listen to different things based on what I want the music to help me do. If it’s drown out the world while on transit, I listen to rock and grunge. If I want to get worked up at home to clean or be inspired, I play other things.

Some of my favorite songs to get me inspired.

Music has kept me going when life has knocked me off my feet. The above video playlist (which may get added to later) is a handful of songs that are more recent but get me singing. More importantly, with everything I’ve been through, they’ve kept me in a fighting spirit. To not give up. To heal my past. That I’m strong enough to beat the things that hold me back.

Music is a true Universal Language. You may not always be able to understand the words of a song in another language, but the emotion is there. The soul of the song speaks clearly.

Music got me through being homeless (along with Portia as my ESA). It saved me from crossing the point of no return with suicide over the years. Music has saved my ass more times than I could count. I’m still here. Mostly because of music.

More musings to come, I’m sure.

~A

Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, asexuality, auction, C-PTSD, community, conformity, convention, cosplay, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, domestic abuse, dreams, emergency, faith, family, friends, gender, history, homelessness, housing, individuality, life, medical, Personal, sexual assault, silliness, society, storage, urgent, writing

1/2/19: A Bit Different #crowdfunding

Last one for the night for crowdfunding. I’m exhausted from the emotional and physical havoc today was. Trying to not go into a full-on pity-party… so I’m going to take a cue from the image I chose and riff on that for the last of the night. Still sitting at $235 of $1467. Can anyone who sees this be part of a minor miracle and add to that low number?


I’ve always been kind of an “odd duck” well, rabbit. I’m still not entirely sure if identifying as Rabbit from Winnie-the-Pooh is a good thing or a bad one. But I’ve had several friends agree that I’m Rabbit. But I’ve always been different. Not so much in a neuro-atypical way, just different.

I was the kid who plucked dog and cat hairs from the family pets and looked at them under the 3x microscope. The one who “hunted the dragon” which was actually my dad working on the yard. The kid who was caught on film in rainbow striped tights and a slip (top, not skirt) and ballet shoes, using my dad’s drafting table after hours to doodle.

The teen who wore black leather lace up boots and a beret or real fedora -black with a grey band- and pink and blue shiny eye shadow. Drawing and dancing and singing and pretending I was famous. All while contemplating suicide because of emotional abuse.

I tried, in my 20’s, to go with the pack, to dress like others and fit in. But I realized as I inched closer to 30 that that wasn’t me. It wasn’t WHO or WHAT I was. Still not me now. I rejected the “American Dream” concept of a house in the ‘burbs with the white picket fence and all the other trappings.

My life has been filled with good and bad. The bad has had a tendency to overwhelm me and my life. From a sexually abusive relationship to almost dying at 35 from Cellulitis. To being homeless for most of the past two years. It hasn’t been easy, not by any means.

For labels: I’m an Androgynous Aromantic Asexual Furry Cosplayer who also happens to write SF/F… and, well, there probably are a few other things. I paint, I sew, I design floorplans of houses and costumes. I can draft my own patterns to some degree. I refer to myself as a Geek-of-all-Trades.

And just about everything that one with all those labels and hobbies (along with more I didn’t list) would have to help define who they are is locked away in the storage unit up for auction tomorrow at noon PST. My identity, my first fursuit, my costumes, my sewing machine, my music.

My everything.

I’m not perfect or beautiful or famous like I had dreamed of as a kid. I’m just this one person who is trying to pick my life back up after being on temporary hold for almost two years. I’m a person who stumbles and falls on my own feet while walking along the path of life. I think a lot of us do that. I just choose not to hide the bruises from my falls.

My life is in that storage unit. I can’t lose it. Not now when I’m finally back in my own place again.

~A

Posted in anxiety, auction, community, cosplay, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, emergency, friends, homelessness, housing, life, poetry, society, storage, urgent, writing

1/2/19: Waiting (#poetry and #crowdfunding)

Still #crowdfunding. I’m just gonna keep going. Hoping that by Saturday, I’ll be able to go and get my mattress and some things out of there after it’s saved. It’s at Central Self Storage here in Portland. All I want is this chance to get some normalcy back. I have my costumes and everything in there.

WAITING

Broken lines of light come to me over the water below
The bridge under my feet is cold and slick from the winter rain.
The moon betrays me to the night sky.
I stand over the water.
Watching.
Hoping.

In my dream I felt this night.
I saw the moon over me, the rigid steel of the bridge around me.
The ripplies of water disturb the lights of the city beyond.
I saw this night.
I felt it.
Yet, he is nowhere.

In this dream, he stands in this place.
On this bridge.
Silence only broken by the water below, hitting the supports.
He stands here.
Why, I do not know.
So, I wait.

My impatience overtakes my desire.
The bells in the distance tell me midnight is here.
Yet I am still alone.
Here.
On the bridge.
Waiting.

Pacing, hoping he will show.
I fumble to make sure it is safe in my pocket.
Staring into the deep black water.
Below.
And I wait.
He never comes.

~APA 2007 (I have no clue where this came from, but it’s one of mine. *shrugs*)

Posted in anxiety, auction, crowdfunding, depression, emergency, faith, family, friends, homelessness, housing, life, storage, transitions, urgent

1/2/19: What would you do? Less than 30 hours #crowdfunding

What would you do? If you had been homeless with everything you owned (well, about 98% of it, including all your furniture and things you hold dear) locked away where you can’t get to it? About to be auctioned off. If you couldn’t get credit because of a medical bankruptcy? If you have a plan to get what you need immediately out and then move the rest into a smaller, more affordable unit?

That’s where I am now. I don’t have parents to turn to. My siblings are both stretched thin themselves when it comes to finances. I’ve had meager, unsteady income and have barely been able to keep myself afloat, even while homeless. But now… now I have a small apartment. I finally have a place of my own where the furniture and some other things in storage can go. But they’re about to get auctioned off.

I’m tired. Tired of fighting and trying to beat this financial monster that keeps my belongings hostage. I just need one more chance. So, please share and keep this going. Share and encourage others to share.

~A

Posted in anxiety, auction, C-PTSD, community, crowdfunding, dreams, emergency, faith, friends, homelessness, housing, life, observations, Personal, poverty line, society, storage, transitions, urgent

1/2/19: Anxiety #crowdfunding

I’m not sure how else to get anyone’s attention. What can I do? Coming out of homelessness sucks when you know you have the tools to start rebuilding your life, but can’t access them for a lack of funds.

Trust me, I’d MUCH rather be blogging about normal topics. More poetry and stuff. But life can hand -no, not hand- HURL challenges at some people like it’s an every day thing. At least this is how it feels to me.

I do my best not to compare myself to others, but I do look around me at others in society. It does feel like some people got the Manual for Adulthood at an early age, and the rest of us are still trying to figure it all out.

I could totally blame the world, but some of it is on me. I made some choices that have scarred me for life. Abusive relationships and all. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make things better, but there is no magic wand. No easy fix. I know that. Probably better than most.

I just ask and hope that enough people or the right people… just people hear my request and can answer with the help I need. I need one more chance. I’m almost there.

~A