Posted in anxiety, auction, community, convention, cosplay, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, emergency, faith, storage, urgent

10am: still at $593 #crowdfunding

Auction is at noon and I’d need to have funds in PayPal before then to call and say pull it and I have the money. The office is just opening now, so he’ll hear my VM and call back. I hope. I need $800 more. Miracle? Don’t know if I’m allowed any more of those. But if I am, this would be a good time for one.

Coming out of homelessness is a bitch. I’m so close to getting more of the puzzle pieces of my life back in the box. Still have a few other things to tie up. But my whole life -costumes, music, books, fabric and sewing machine, dad’s flag, personal things. My life. In a storage unit. About to slip away if I can’t get it saved.


Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, asexuality, auction, C-PTSD, community, conformity, convention, cosplay, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, domestic abuse, dreams, emergency, faith, family, friends, gender, history, homelessness, housing, individuality, life, medical, Personal, sexual assault, silliness, society, storage, urgent, writing

1/2/19: A Bit Different #crowdfunding

Last one for the night for crowdfunding. I’m exhausted from the emotional and physical havoc today was. Trying to not go into a full-on pity-party… so I’m going to take a cue from the image I chose and riff on that for the last of the night. Still sitting at $235 of $1467. Can anyone who sees this be part of a minor miracle and add to that low number?

I’ve always been kind of an “odd duck” well, rabbit. I’m still not entirely sure if identifying as Rabbit from Winnie-the-Pooh is a good thing or a bad one. But I’ve had several friends agree that I’m Rabbit. But I’ve always been different. Not so much in a neuro-atypical way, just different.

I was the kid who plucked dog and cat hairs from the family pets and looked at them under the 3x microscope. The one who “hunted the dragon” which was actually my dad working on the yard. The kid who was caught on film in rainbow striped tights and a slip (top, not skirt) and ballet shoes, using my dad’s drafting table after hours to doodle.

The teen who wore black leather lace up boots and a beret or real fedora -black with a grey band- and pink and blue shiny eye shadow. Drawing and dancing and singing and pretending I was famous. All while contemplating suicide because of emotional abuse.

I tried, in my 20’s, to go with the pack, to dress like others and fit in. But I realized as I inched closer to 30 that that wasn’t me. It wasn’t WHO or WHAT I was. Still not me now. I rejected the “American Dream” concept of a house in the ‘burbs with the white picket fence and all the other trappings.

My life has been filled with good and bad. The bad has had a tendency to overwhelm me and my life. From a sexually abusive relationship to almost dying at 35 from Cellulitis. To being homeless for most of the past two years. It hasn’t been easy, not by any means.

For labels: I’m an Androgynous Aromantic Asexual Furry Cosplayer who also happens to write SF/F… and, well, there probably are a few other things. I paint, I sew, I design floorplans of houses and costumes. I can draft my own patterns to some degree. I refer to myself as a Geek-of-all-Trades.

And just about everything that one with all those labels and hobbies (along with more I didn’t list) would have to help define who they are is locked away in the storage unit up for auction tomorrow at noon PST. My identity, my first fursuit, my costumes, my sewing machine, my music.

My everything.

I’m not perfect or beautiful or famous like I had dreamed of as a kid. I’m just this one person who is trying to pick my life back up after being on temporary hold for almost two years. I’m a person who stumbles and falls on my own feet while walking along the path of life. I think a lot of us do that. I just choose not to hide the bruises from my falls.

My life is in that storage unit. I can’t lose it. Not now when I’m finally back in my own place again.


Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, C-PTSD, community, convention, cosplay, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dragon, dreams, emergency, friends, homeless, homelessness, individuality, life, PTSD, Science Fiction and Fantasy, storage, urgent

4/6/18: Geeky Beggar #geek #starwars #geeklife #crowdfunding #urgent #cosplay #cosplayer #Jedi

I’ve never hidden my true geekiness. From music to books to movies to well, a lot of things. So now I’m putting the call out to my fellow geeks. I need help. I’m a freaky geeky weirdo of all trades. I’ve done what is now called #cosplay since I was a kid, really getting into it in my 20’s. Star Wars, Star Trek, some period stuff, creating my own characters, and eventually dabbling in #steampunk.

I still have all my costumes. But they’re stuck in storage along with enough brown fabric to outfit a small force of Jedi.

A bit of my geekiness over the years:

A storage unit that is going up for auction on 4/12, next Thursday.

I owe just under $1400 as of a letter I received via email earlier today.

I’m technically unemployed, although I do tasks through Taskrabbit, but most months have borne little income. I’m homeless and all my worldly possessions are in that storage unit.

To lose everything in that storage unit would be akin to losing my identity. Losing myself.

Any help, sharing and donating being the two things that can be done.


Posted in artsy stuff, chronic pain, convention, cosplay, friends, job hunting, life, Personal, PTSD, sexual assault, society, storage

7/8: My week…

If anything below has already been said earlier this week, my apologies… I’ve had a crazy-weird week.
I survived GearCon with my sanity intact. Mostly thanks to certain people setting me up with my own sleeping space so I could retreat to a quiet place when needed. Which I desperately needed. To those people, I am in your debt and I intend on reimbursing you for the room. I know they aren’t cheap. Even those little ones. After four months of sleeping mostly on cots and rollaway beds, having a couple of nights on a real bed was heavenly.
I made my black waist cincher to wear at con on Saturday. I finished it that day and wore it a fair chunk of the rest of Saturday. It’s fairly thin plain tanned leather that I did a second layer to give it a bit more body, painted black, drew gears in silver and bronze Sharpies… and will be adding more later. It came out pretty damn well considering I only starting working on it the Thursday before.
(pics here)\

The Front

The Back
I enjoy working with leather. It’s a pricey hobby, but I have fun with it.
I had appts Wednesday and Thursday and have been strongly encouraged by my GP and my therapist to start creating a local in-person group for those of us with C-PTSD from domestic/sexual abuse. I won’t discuss it too much here, as it’ll be a peer-run (non-clinical) confidential group.
I also met with my VR trainer and we’re getting going on redoing my resume, etc and switching gears to finding work in research instead of social media. SM is over-saturated here in PDX, hence why I’ve had shitty luck in even getting interviews. Research isn’t AS saturated… likely not saturated at all, honestly. I may have a better chance at solid employment there.
Now, here’s an interesting thing. I’ve pondered about it on FB and have been told that this is actually very possible. A few months back, I fucked up my SI Joint (sacroiliac joint) on my left side. It’s right next to the tailbone and has affected my walking ability among other issues. I was already having issues with my right knee, and then this… but on Sunday, while at the con, I was room-sitting our hospitality suite while others were off doing things. I’m fine with this… I actually enjoy just hanging out and watching the room. I got up to make a sandwich (yes, we had gluten free bread), and on my short walk back to my chair, I had a severe sharp jab of pain right in that spot next to my tailbone. I couldn’t move that hip, could barely put weight on it, etc. One girl was also in there and I had her set my sandwich down on the other chair and then help me over the last few steps. I managed to get pain meds, etc… but before they could take effect, everyone returned in one big blob of happy people… some noticed I was having problems and asked if I needed anything. They got everyone else mobilized to set the sofa-bed back to sofa form and my stuff was carried over there, pillows set up, and 2/3’s of the couch set up for me. That’s pretty much where I stayed most of the rest of the day. I got a ride home and stayed in bed for about 95% of the next two days and nights.
By Wednesday, when I had a doc appt for other things, I had almost no pain on the left side. I’ve since wondered if that pain on Sunday was my SI joint basically resetting itself. That hip still doesn’t like sitting in any one position for too long, but that’s my body for you. I will have sciatica until I die… not much can be done for it. But no more excruciating SI pain. I’ve been told that the SI join can reset itself back into place… it happens… not for everyone, but it can… and I have a feeling that’s what it did for me. I’ll run it by my PT when I see her next.
I’m also having issues with the very computer I’m writing this post on. Oddly enough, it’s ONLY on Facebook and no other site. And on FB, if I’m using the other computer or my phone, it’s fine. I try to type a status or comment and get a few letters in and the cursor pops back to the beginning. I even shut the damn thing down a couple of days ago to let it rest… fired it back up about an hour ago and it’s still doing it. Closed the window, opened a new one… yup… still.
I’m also trying to scrounge up the remaining funds for July storage rent. I have about 130 or so, and the bookcases will be sold shortly, but that’s only another $50… I need 280 plus late fees. I’m working on it, but I’m just not getting anything else coming in. I may have a lead on a little part time (maybe under the table) work for a friend and fellow writer, but I need to email him. As my post from earlier this week stated, our internet was down for a couple of days and that threw me off track with emailing people and all that jazz.

I’ve been fairly quiet this week, but I have had a lot on my mind…


Posted in bigotry, bugaboos, cats, chronic pain, community, convention, dragon, friends, life, peace, politics, PTSD, society

7/4: our webs are down

I got back from GearCon to find that the house internet has been borked by Century Link doing work nearby. I’m using the limited hotspot on the other phone until fixed, so I won’t be here much.

I discovered new pain Sunday at con, so I’m taking things easy. Sciatica sucks donkey ass. 

Happy 4th to my fellow Americans. 

Please don’t set things (or people) on fire with possibly illegal fireworks. I will be on “cat calming” duty. Have a phone and fire extinguisher nearby.

Be nice to each other. 

Respect local Veterans who likely have PTSD and fireworks are a massive trigger for them.

Don’t shoot guns into the air… those bullets are subject to gravity, just like you.

No fighting. No road rage. No hate.

Don’t drive under the influence of anything other than happiness.


Posted in chronic pain, convention, cosplay, creativity, life, Personal, storage

7/2: Gimpy Steampunk Penguin

I’m at GearCon this weekend. It’s almost over, but still… this is why I’ve been quiet. I had a crazy week last week with appointments, etc, and then con. I’m pretty sure all of us on Staff Lounge staff are rather firmly on the Injured List. Most of us have canes.

I started working on a leather waist cincher Thursday and finished it Saturday. It held up quite well.

Back to the real world shortly. I have about half of July storage rent… and need to figure out the rest of the $280.

I’ll post more later… once I recover from con…


Posted in convention, crowdfunding, Personal

End of Westercon: Babbling Volunteer Edition

This may be short. Mostly due to the pain in my back adding to the stress of finances and running damn near ragged as a volunteer. Mind you, I was “merely” watching doors (badge police) and guarding things at times…. I did find out how lucky volunteers get to be versus ConCom folk (like I normally have been at cons: those who are in charge of things). They get to pick out goodies at the end of the con as a thank you. I got two books (more on those later) and a gorgeous blank greeting card with a kitty on it.

I am, however, ^%$&^%^&% exhausted. On to the other things:

I have gotten two donations this weekend toward my manic financial situation. Thank you to those two people. Two fellow writers.

Also, between con craziness and the stress of finances (on top of me trying to decipher stuff for school), I finally cracked. I held things in fairly well much of the weekend. I think I have to thank my Valium prescription for that. But the cracks began to show and I crumbled in front of a few friends. I’m sure some may wonder how on earth I could still be having this issue a year later. I don’t know. I feel I’ve done everything I can: applying for work I’m able to do and know how to do, survived on the help of friends, family and Bast only knows what else. I’ve sold off half my book collection, tried selling off other things with little luck… you name it. Being under constant stress and fear of financial shitstorms takes its toll on a person. I’ll possibly expound on that later when my brain isn’t so fried. I think I’ve babbled about it in previous posts.

So… still very much a need. Again, if you can’t help with a donation, share wherever you feel is suitable. Seriously. I don’t like sharing in FB groups because it feels strange to me. Especially after all this time. “You’re still having problems?” yeah…. I am. Again, more on that later. After some sleep and likely delving into stuff at my Tuesday museum.

~Penguin (aka Amanda)

Posted in convention, crowdfunding, Personal

#SharingIsCaring #crowdfunding

Honestly I know that the fact I keep asking for help, whether it’s sharing my posts, or donating… I know it probably gets on folks’ nerves…. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t need the help. I am trying to find work. Trying to do everything I can on my own, but it is simply not enough.

I don’t really know what else to do. I’ve asked for people to share. I’ve put stuff up for sale in ever imaginable place online, including this blog. I’ve shared links to my Patreon and the GFM… I know most of my friends can’t afford to do much of anything that involves money. I get that. But by sharing, maybe there are people among your circles that aren’t in mine who CAN help.

I will be at Westercon most of the next few days. I’d like to say I’ll have something unique on so you can spot me… but I’m volunteering and most of my costume things are not together…. well, they’re here. The main pieces. If the purple coat is here and not still stuck in storage, I may put that on. You’ll be able to hear me. BUt for the most part, leggings and a t-shirt. If all else fails, ask someone (Monica or Howitzer) at the convention Info Desk where to find Penguin. Monica can call me. I’ll be on doors three of four days.

That’s if you’ll be at Westercon. if not, post a comment. They’re filtered, so you won’t see it right away, but I will when I next check in. Which, unless I magically get internet at the hotel, will be tonight after I get home guarding the door of Opening Ceremonies.

If you know my name on FB, you’ll likely have noticed my self-loathing post from a couple nights ago. This is, honestly, where my mind is right now. I feel like I could scream, jump up and down, yell for help and nothing will happen. No one will hear me. Yes, I feel like I’m some sort of fuck-up. I’m over 40, unemployed and can’t even get interviews, can’t seem to get anything right, can’t find anything, etc, etc.

Part of this comes from the fact that I tried to save money by moving some of my things in storage to my apartment, but management says no… I can’t have all this stuff here. But I’m locked out of my storage due to not being able to pay May and June. It’ll go to auction if I don’t get it paid up ASAP. Also, if I don’t get my apartment cleared of the majority of the stuff here (even my crafting wall, which pisses me off), I get evicted. So mid July, I could lose both the stuff in storage AND my place to live. I have nowhere else to go. That’s my reality. I tried to trim my costs and got a verbal/legal slap in the face with a possible eviction. Just because I tried to do the right thing. I can’t cut this too close, so sooner the help arrives, the better. I’d rather see smaller amounts from a greater number of people than asking one or two people for larger sums.

And please… don’t tell me to “breathe… it’ll be okay” unless you can make a real dent in the crunch I’m in right now. “Positive thinking” and “prayers” aren’t going to pay the rent and pay off my storage fees.

Light a candle if you must. Say those prayers for me, if you want. But pair them with some kind of action: sharing my posts at the bare minimum. Even just the main blog page. Encourage others to share. My cats will appreciate your help.