Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, chronic pain, creativity, depression, disability, health, job hunting, life, Personal

10/10: Blargh

So, I know I’ve been fairly quiet. There are multiple reasons for it, and some I can’t/won’t discuss publicly. Seattle and GeekGirlCon wiped me out emotionally and physically. My back is still swearing at me for doing too much. Other stressors haven’t helped. I swore I’d catch up on school and I’ve fallen behind on catching up… which isn’t good.

My energy levels tanked since Seattle and I have a day or part of a day here and there where I have some energy, but then it vanishes about as fast as it appeared. I drink coffee and such even though I’m technically not supposed to have caffeine (issues with borderline hyperthyroid when I have too much, so I can’t drink much of it… and it doesn’t have as much of the effect on my as it does with most people).

The things I need to work on (in no particular order):

  • School
  • Job hunting
  • trip to Wallyworld for some items much needed for ASAP things
  • art stuff (commission and Inktober, which is more for fun, but a nice way to get me drawing more)
  • cleaning
  • and many other things…..

So many things to do and not nearly enough energy to do them. I have a Task today in a bit, and almost had another for later this week, but that fell through. I need all the income I can get, so that one was kind of important. Oh well.

I’m still here… still kicking… just facing a lot of stuff and not enough energy to tackle it all.

~A

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Posted in artsy stuff, bugaboos, creativity, individuality, life, Personal, poetry

9/23: The Rebel

Standing back.
Apart from the crowd.
Distanced by social
Expectations.
Not welcome
In a sea of
Monotony.

Be me.
No one else.
But not
TOO
Much
Or no one will
Accept you.

Stand in the center
Spotlight shining on you.
They walk past.
Around.
Not coming close.
Why?
Too different.
Too out of place.

Destined to
Be.
Wholly alone
In a sea of monotony.
The rebel
Being
True to
Herself.
No one else.

~APA 2017

Posted in artsy stuff, creativity, depression, life, Personal

9/12: Catharsis

While I prefer writing as my creative medium (with photography as my second), I do occasionally dip into other creative areas. Lately, I’ve wanted to paint. Getting small canvases and the cheapest paints I could afford (on sale… woohoo!!), I set out to do three small paintings… that quickly turned into a series of three.

While I won’t show the work in progress of it here, I will say this: mapping out the trio has been a journey. You’ll understand when you see them. It’s been emotional and healing. Just as with my writing, I’ve put a piece of myself into these paintings. They will be mostly paint, but with some mixed media  for added emphasis. Each one tells part of a story.

And yes, I do intend on selling the series. I’m not sure of the price yet.

On one of them, one I just finished the base image on, I’m really surprised at myself. I’ve never been super confident with visual arts (except for photography). Mostly stemming from my mother quashing my attempts. I’m no Rembrandt or anything, but it’s turning out really well and I’m very happy with the progress. The more I look at that canvas, the more confident I get.

I’ll be finished soon…

~A

Posted in artsy stuff, cats, creativity, crowdfunding, emergency, eviction, grief, Personal, storage, urgent

9/10: Deadlines, #crowdfunding, and @Chewy

#CROWDFUNDING: It turns out that the auction is on the 21st, not the 15th. I had guessed the 15th because when I’ve gone through this before, it was always the 15th or as close to it as possible. But this time, it’s the 21st (which is a Thursday, so I find it odd, but okay). So I have a SMIDGE more time, but not really by much. If the two people whom I’ve talked to do send what they say they’ll be able to send, I’ll have roughly 500 between them and what I have in my accounts.

So I’m roughly halfway there. If I get more TR work this week, I’ll have a little more, but unless I get a really big job or two, it won’t cover me the rest of the way.


A few months back, I got a call from the manager of my former apartment building that a package was there. It was “kind of urgent” and since I didn’t live there anymore, I technically shouldn’t have packages sent there. I didn’t know what it was, so I sent off to go pick it up. It was a 1-800-Flowers delivery from Chewy, the pet supply website. I had talked to a CS person there a couple weeks before and had mentioned I lost JoJo to congestive heart failure in the midst of my eviction. The flowers were a beautiful arrangement in a vase.

So, I’m still (obviously) unemployed and money is tight, so I haven’t been able to order my normal stuff from them. On Friday, I got a call from Fedex that they had a package that couldn’t be delivered to my PO Box. I was going bonkers trying to figure out if this package was something I’d ordered (interview clothes) or something from my wishlist that maybe someone sent… I had them route it to a local store that is now a pick-up location for Fedex. Picked it up today. A small metallic blue bubble wrap package.

From Chewy.

Inside was a card: wp-image-1885802957

And two 6×6 paintings. JoJo

wp-image-956431916

And Portia.

wp-image-398707042

If you want to inspire customer loyalty, it’s stuff like this… hell, even the flowers were more than enough… to make a customer for life.

Showing compassion and caring for a customer is how customer service should be done. I know, as that’s my own philosophy from working in retail. Go above and beyond, help and show that you care about what you’re doing. This is something that’s hard to find in bigger companies. It’s all about the numbers and speed anymore, not about making sure your customers walk out the door wanting to keep doing business with you. Instilling loyalty through caring and compassion is something missing in retail anymore. I’m glad to see Chewy doing good.

~A

Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, emergency, eviction, faith, friends, homeless, life, Personal, storage, urgent

9/2: #crowdfunding, birthdays, arting, and…

#Crowdfunding… a birthday… artsy stuff…

I’m gonna keep pestering ya about crowdfunding. Keeping my stuff safe is important to me. Share often, donate if possible. It all helps. 

In one month, I turn 45. I also turn 9 years since my “rebirth.” In 2008, I was discharged from the hospital on my 36th birthday. I had a very close brush with death via 3rd stage Cellulitis. There is no 4th stage. So, turning 45 and 9. I want a gift card to the lego store and GotG2 on bluray/dvd. And anything on my wish list on Amazon. 

I also want a job, but that isn’t an easy birthday present. 

Artsy things: I have a project I’m slowly working on of a trio of paintings. They tell a story. One I won’t describe much of until I’m ready to sell them.

Going offline now… 

Back tomorrow…

~A

Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, asexuality, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, emergency, friends, life, Personal, society, storage, urgent

8/28: Self, Creating, and Survival (#crowdfunding background)

(Share and share and share! #crowdfunding #urgent)

I am this one person. Yes, I blog, I write, I create things, but I am only one person. Our society is set up for a form a codependency. Okay, it’s called marriage/partnership/etc. But being Aro-Ace, I’m not interested in a relationship with anyone other than the platonic one with my cat. But she can’t help pay the bills and eventual rent. So I have to do it all for myself.

Maybe ‘codependency’ is too strong of a word. Although in some relationships, it really does play out that way. If one can’t work a FT job, the other is usually able to pick up the slack. They work with each other. One cooks, the other does dishes. And so on… they work with each other to get things done.

But I am this one person. I am in no shape to be in a relationship with someone… anyone. I also choose to be childfree. Yeah, I’m ‘one of them non-breeders’ … pfft!

So I don’t have someone I can say, “hey, hun, can you fix dinner tonight?” I have to do that by myself. And the dishes. And the laundry. The grocery shopping. The bill-paying. The income-making.

I learned long ago to be self-sufficient… albeit not so good about that with money. But I challenge myself in all other areas. Give me the tools, supplies, and an idea, and I can build something modest from scratch (I’m still damn proud of the TV stand I made with plywood and steel pipe with casters. It may not have been pretty, but I still loved it). Hell, I have the tools. Just need the supplies. I’m stubborn as all hell when my mind is made up on something (leaving two salesmen at two car dealerships in my wake). If something needs to be done, I do it. Whether it’s a “girl thing” or not.

But being resolutely independent has its drawbacks. When I hit rock bottom like this year with being homeless, yeah… not having a really close support network SUCKS. Yes, I have friends and two siblings, but one of those I only speak to if I have to and the other can’t do a whole lot as they have a lot of financial responsibility of their own.

I’ve been in survival mode for so long due to only getting crappy jobs that don’t pay well, so I’m barely able to get by. I don’t really know what it feels like to be financially stable. Not on my own at least. Finances are my one downfall. Always have been. I’m good at all these other things. I know how to handle things if I had the income, but I’ve never really had it, at least for very long. One job back in Chicago, I made 30K salary. But that didn’t last long as I didn’t fit very well into my boss’ view of women who work with him (sexist, chauvinistic pig. He was an Ayn Rand fan… which is all you really need to know about him).

I am independent to my very core. Feeling helpless like I have been this year is painful. So I try to adapt. Create. Write. Hence my poetry and the painting project I’m slowly working on. I should probably get back to working on the series.

I am doing what I can, but for society, it isn’t enough. But I’m not giving up. Just don’t expect me to conform in any way to what society expects me to be. Yeah… that bullshit ain’t gonna happen.

Well, the modem/internet keeps fucking with me, so I’m calling it a night before that thing gets tossed into the street… well, it isn’t mine but still…

~A

 

Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, cats, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, emergency, eviction, faith, friends, grad school, homeless, job hunting, life, Personal, poverty line, PTSD, semicolon, storage, urgent, writing

8/22: Wishes and Goals and #crowdfunding

(Crowdfunding plea… time is running out… and now onto your irregularly scheduled post)

If you had asked me a year ago where I would be right now, I’d tell you I’d be on my way to Germany, or already there settling in for a stint working on a second graduate degree. Not homeless, staying at a friend’s place, short one cat, trying to save my belongings in storage.

I wouldn’t believe you if you told me that’s where I’d be right now. But here I am. My degree is on hold, waiting for my appeal to eliminate the tuition and fees owed from Spring term when I dropped out due to the eviction and other stressors. The eviction, losing JoJo, the constant frustration of job hunting and trying to find funds for storage and basic supplies like cat food and litter (I’ve now created a separate Amazon wishlist for Portia’s supplies)… it’s all taken a massive toll on me.

I do sometimes feel like I’m screaming into a void… asking for help… applying for jobs… trying to do pretty much anything. It does feel like there’s no one out there listening. I wish I could get confirmation that people are hearing me… seeing me… and trying their best to help. Very few people on FB are sharing the campaign… which is frustrating at best.

Now my goal is for Fall of 2018 for Germany. But there are so many other little things… well, little compared to moving to Germany, that is.

  • Being able to go to #GeekGirlCon in Seattle again (and having enough funds to buy stuff and have fun)
  • Having a decent job where I can then have money in savings as well as being able to pay debts and move into a new place of my very own. I appreciate my friends for putting me up… but I really do need my own space…
  • Take a few road trips that I’ve been putting off due to a lack of funds and car.
    • John Day Fossil Beds and the Painted Hills…
    • Crater Lake
    • CA Redwoods (not just passing through)

Those are a few things. I’ve also been itching to go to Alpenfest out in NE Oregon… also have enough money together to get my passport and apply for my second citizenship for Switzerland… yes, I’m eligible due to a straight paternal line dating back to the early 1600’s (as well as one lady was able to track)

I also wanted to get my next book out, get the anthology going, write more, art more, etc…

But eviction stopped me in my tracks.

It stopped me from functioning. From living. From finishing school. It dragged me deeper into the abyss of depression. My anxiety is worse. My C-PTSD is a royal bitch… to where I cringe even touching someone on the train.

I’m doing better for now… but that abyss still has a pretty good hold on me. I’m taking Celexa… but even that only gets me so far. I need to make improvements. Will they solve everything? No. But they will help.

The frustration of needing more cat food and litter and Bast Only Knows, a covered litter box for Portia (she’s trying to dig into the earth’s core, I swear… and litter goes everywhere). If it were possible to keep things more local for her supplies by someone buying a Mud Bay gift card or something… they just opened another one this past weekend and it’s a couple of MAX stops away. I know a lot of folks hate Amazon. Her food is cheaper at MB than on Amazon. I’m not kidding.

I’m sitting here in a quiet house, petsitting the house feline (she really does like me… even lets me pet her head, which she rarely lets anyone do… she was abused early on before they adopted her), as well as having Portia around… just wish they’d get along.

Here’s her Amazon wishlist... in case anyone feels up to helping… although storage also still needs help. I can’t risk losing everything I own.

I’m just… well, if you’ve ever been anywhere near the kind of situation I’m in this year, you might understand how I feel. Everything is up in the air. The loss of any control of my life is maddening.

Some friends call me brave… I’m just mucking through life… barely holding on. I may smile or even laugh at things… but inside, I’m screaming.

~A

Posted in artsy stuff, crowdfunding, faith, homeless, life, peace, poetry, storage, urgent

8/19: Ashes (& ##crowdfunding)

(Still desperately trying to raise funds to get caught up on storage. Eith the PP donate button or the YouCaring campaign link in the menu. Any bit helps, and even if you can’t donate, please spread the word.)

And now to the poem of the evening.

~~~~~~~~~~

I rise.
The past cannot
Hold
Me down.

I soar.
Over the history
I will
Not
Repeat.

I fly.
For the ashes
Of my past
Fall
Behind me.

~~~~~~~~~~

Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, community, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, life, nature, peace, poetry, storage, urgent

8/15: Stars (& #crowdfunding desperation)

(I know I keep asking. I hate asking. But getting back on my feet hasn’t been an easy path. Just a bit longer. If you like my #poetry and posts, please feel free to share and contribute if you are able. With eventual stability, or at least things caught up, my ability to focus on things I love and need to do improves. Thank you)

Dreams made
Imagine beyond
The world
We know.
Starstuff dreaming of
Stars.
Who is out there?
What lies outside
Our reach?
Will we know?
Or destiny says
Stay.
Not knowing is
Best.
For now.
Where do
We
Fit in this expanse?
Starstuff dreaming
Of the stars out
There.
Keep dreaming.
Wondering.
Asking.
The answer is there.

~A

Posted in anxiety, artsy stuff, community, cosplay, creativity, crowdfunding, depression, dreams, emergency, faith, life, Personal, storage, urgent

8/13: Storage #crowdfunding and my Weekend

Yeah… still needing help with storage. I really don’t want to let it get too much closer to the end of the month… it gets bad after the 15th of this month. Retweet, share, spread the word… any help will do.

I spent this weekend, starting mid afternoon Friday, helping the folks I’m staying with deal with their yard sale… except for today, as we didn’t run it today. I headed out to a friend’s place who’s moving out of the country in October. Picked up some lace and trim (do you even know how hard it is to find black lace trim??)

So, I’m gonna get all sentimental on my stuff in storage. Bear with me…

My father served in WWII. After he died in 2014, I (eventually) received his coffin flag, even though we have yet to do any kind of ceremony. That in and of itself, is a LONG story of family dramatics I’m not getting into here. His flag is in storage.

Several months before he died, we had this conversation:

Me: So, I want to get back into playing piano.
I’m thinking of saving up and buying an electric one.

Dad: Why don’t we try and send the old piano up to you?
Me: Dad, it would cost more than that thing is worth to transport it up here.
Dad: I’m sure we could figure something out.
Me: Besides, the only place for me to put it is the wall where the sleeping alcove for the studio next door is. I’m not going to torment my poor neighbor.
…..
(The rest of the call went a lot like that. The next day, I got an email from my sister accusing me of trying to get dad to buy me a piano, which is not what happened.)
…..
Me: Hi dad.
Dad: Uh-oh, what did I do? (an ongoing gag with the two of us then)
Me: Did you talk to ***** recently?
Dad: Yes. What happened?
Me: I got an email from her accusing me of trying to get you to buy me a piano.
Dad: I said nothing like that.
…..
Me: Why did you even tell her?
Dad: Well, I was excited you wanted to get back to music.
Me: Proud? (my dad was a pretty laid back person)
Dad: Yeah. You were always so happy and upbeat back then. I would love to see you get back to that.
…..
Keep in mind, I had no clue he even ever really paid attention to it back then, let alone be proud. This is just how my family has been.

When he died later that year, I knew that whatever I got from the estate, at least some of it would go toward an electric piano. And it did. That piano, like all my other things, is in storage. I can’t lose what my dad wanted me to so desperately have again.

Some of my mother’s quilting pattern pieces. Also a large chunk of my fabric. And my sewing machine.

My costumes, which range from ones I designed and my mother sewed up for me, to ones I sewed, to pieces purchased from others. Furniture that has a lot of sentimental value.

And so much more. This is all why I’m so desperate to keep my stuff in there safe and in my hands. I ask for that help once again. I know I owe at least $650, and have a bit less than half that… even if you can’t help financially, please consider sharing or retweeting this post. The more people who see it, the better my chances are.