Dragon in a funk… I think the stress and anxiety over the last minute saving of my stuff in storage took its toll on me. I was okay, actually, until a seemingly minor incident last night that dragged my happy/relieved mood down into the abyss. I won’t go into details publicly. Just… stuff. What I will say in reaction is something that I’ll try to keep neutral:
Words, all words, have power. “The pen is mightier than the sword” right? Some people forget this. Others are well aware and still use words to hurt people. I recently saw some link on FB questioning the term “Toxic People.” It was something to the effect of “people aren’t toxic…” Umm, you’ve never met some people in my life, have you? Likely due to being an Empath, I am like pollen to a bee… And trust me, I don’t end up transforming into honey. A basket case, maybe. But not honey.
Look, I know people who expect everyone around them to fit neatly into their world view. If you don’t, you get side comments said loud enough to hear, even if they assume you aren’t listening. Sometimes it’s more direct. I have a couple people (at least) in my life who either may not realize some of their words are hurtful or demeaning, or don’t think what they’re saying is wrong. Then there are those people who know damn well they’re negative and hurtful. I have/had all of these types in my life… again, no specifics here.
The hard part is restraining myself. I get pushed and pushed, whether by one person or several around the same time. If I’m already stressed from all the other shit in my life (ya know, for an introvert, being homeless and staying with other humans is NOT easy), getting verbally “attacked” piles on more stress. I hate confrontation. Always have, likely always will. I’ve had moments when I’ve done well in those situations (had to fire someone in a store I was Assistant Manager… oh, that was ugly), but most of the time, I usually end up retreating and “shutting down.” I get pushed and pushed so many times until it all caves in and I snap. Some of my friends have seen/heard me snap. It ain’t pretty. And it isn’t them (usually)… it’s me and all the shit piling up and my own insecurities and doubts and panic. Sometimes it is them. I try to breathe, raise a middle finger in their general direction once they’re out of sight, and grumble for a while.
Now that that’s mostly out of my system… Words can be used for many things. As a writer of poetry, science fiction, and fantasy, I can create worlds, the people living in them. But words in every day life can also do so much. A simple compliment can lift a person’s spirits. A demeaning turn of phrase, or even just one word, can turn someone’s life upside down. Or right side up.
Right now, I’m exhausted from the stress of almost losing everything. Then some words were said that hurt. My ability to bounce back from them right now is hindered by all the other stressors. I will bounce back. I will deal with it. And hopefully I won’t snap in the meantime.
And hopefully my ramblings here made some sense. My TMJ pain hit earlier this evening, so strong pain meds it is… and I get a bit loopy for a bit once they take effect. I’m off for the night. Play nice kids!