Posted in anxiety, depression, history, life, Personal, PTSD, sexual assault

5/17: Trigger Warnings

TW: sexual assault/rape mentioned below
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I keep forgetting that the paypal.me link shows my legal surname. This *may* be partly why people don’t follow through. 
Here’s the thing: for those who don’t know, I’m a survivor of sexual assault from three men (I only realized the other two ‘counted’ recently) and the one who raped me repeatedly (my asshole ex-bf) has also done a fair job of cyberstalking me since 1998. He is the main reason I have C-PTSD. Why I insist others -especially men- ask for hugs or any touch right now. It puts me on edge. I know the SOB is still doing name searches on me. Even this year. I’ve done my damnedest to wipe my legal name from the internet as much as possible.
But there it is on my PPme page when you click on it. Now, the only way to find that is if you have the link to begin with. I would love to see if they’d let me use an alias. It used to be a business account, but I downgraded it once I found out I could also keep my debit card on a personal account (seriously, I highly recommend getting one if you do a lot with PP). Back when I got the card, it was only for business accounts. I couldn’t have a checking account for a while, so PP was my only “bank.”
One disadvantage I realize with using aliases online is that as I apply for social media jobs, etc, no one can find examples. Catch-22 situation. Do I market a blog, etc that is linked to my full legal name and risk him tracking me down? One possibility is using one I’ve started to set up for my Archives stuff, but it’s a .com blog on here, so no address or such attached. I do need to start writing on that one… desperately. My portfolio website has my first name and last initial.
Honestly, I’m tired of hiding, but I also don’t want him harassing me online anymore. There isn’t much law enforcement can do unless he physically tries something. He’s 600 miles away. All I want is for him to leave me alone. No more searches, messages, anything. Just walk away.
I doubt that will happen until one of us is dead and gone. Until then, I’m stuck. Sick of hiding but hesitant about stepping out there and having my name out there for him to find.
Maybe I’ll do some asking around.
~Amanda
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Creative Geek Of All Trades. Do you really need me to explain that one?