Posted in anxiety, bugaboos, community, creativity, crowdfunding, emergency, empath life, homeless, life, Personal, society, storage, transitions

5/5: And now for something completely diff- oh F it. #crowdfunding

The usual updates: Life sucks, I’m broke, I still need a lot more $$ to save my stuff from auction, and being an Empath is really sucking hard right now.  #crowdfunding

Why, you may ask? Just like with any day where something negative happens, yesterday and today have hit me hard. Yes, I’m also pissed off about the House fucking with my medical insurance. The problem for me as an Empath who can’t fucking block worth shit, is that I end up in Overload and Shutdown because I feel -everyone elses’ anxiety and anger- on top of my own. Watching my FB feed yesterday fucked me up. I was also angry, but holy Bast, the freaking out and anger of everyone I know was just too much. When I finally DID snap…. this was one of my posts:

<I’ve seen a few people bitch and whine the “government needs to stay out of healthcare.”
So, those who say this apparently think that only wealthy people should have healthcare. Fuck. You. It’s the insurance companies who need to get the fuck out. They’re the ones who deny coverage. They’re the ones who jack up rates and screw people over.
Single payer. Medicaid for all. And no, not Medicare. Wanna know how many days they paid for a convalescent home for my mother in her last fucking days of life? 7. SEVEN G**DAMN DAYS. Dad had to rush the process of getting MediCal (in CA) to cover remaining days. She needed round-the-clock care at that point. She lasted a few more days, but what if it had been WEEKS? I’ve had better coverage under Medicaid than my parents did under Medicare. Better than I had under Aetna while at PSU with my student insurance. So fuck private insurance companies. And fuck Medicare.>

And then later in the evening, I’d had enough and was worn down, resulting in this post:

<This has been a weird emotional day as an Empath. I don’t know how many more politically manic days of this administration I can take. I have my own personal hell to sort out, and it gets buried under angry and anxious posts about the shithole our political arena is.
I am trying to survive and not lose my belongings. I’m trying not to panic about all the other stuff. Mentally and emotionally, I can’t handle all of it. Yet, as an Empath, I care about all of it too much. I can’t turn that off.
I need to get through my own rough patch, with help from friends and strangers alike. Any help will do. Share blog posts or the campaign. Anything. Encourage others to also share.>

Some kinds of stress, I can handle quite well. Give me a deadline for something creative and I am ALL over it. About 90% of the time. If it’s writing, definitely. Sewing, I have to set my own or I screw up. Other things, it depends.

I ended up in the ER one specific day because I was slammed with sharp pain during an anxiety attack… what had happened at that exact time? The attacks in Paris. Coincidence? Maybe, but it sure as hell didn’t feel like one.

My own mess of a life is hard enough. I wish I could say I can disconnect from society, but my life is connected to computers for writing, job hunting, and lots of other things… I also don’t have a vehicle to go and disconnect with. Trust me, if I did, I’d be all over the state with my cameras and sleeping in said vehicle on road trips.

Social media is how I survive right now. My anxiety means I have a hard time with being out and about. And SM is also what helps with my survival via crowdfunding and this blog. Yes, I speak my mind, I swear a LOT, I ask for help way too much, but this is where I am. I am dependent on others even though I’d prefer not to be. Job hunting and such is a frustrating process. Most jobs I apply to, I don’t even get looked at, let alone an interview. Even if I’d be perfect for the job. But even if I landed a job tomorrow, I won’t get paid in time to save my storage unit and the vast majority of my belongings in it. My father’s “coffin flag” (WWII Vet, he was cremated) is in there, my furniture, clothes, costumes, all of it… is in there.

Trying to find the balance between healthy solitude and being “social” isn’t easy. But I remain social because I need to be right now.

~Amanda

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Creative Geek Of All Trades. Do you really need me to explain that one?