I alluded to this in my earlier post. Pretty much since November I’ve been in some sort of massive upheaval. I was massively triggered by an incident that sent me into an emotional shut-down with my PTSD, Then another smaller trigger in December. Starting in January, the housing situation went downhill. My life, as I’ve known it, has been turned upside down, inside out, shaken up, bounced off walls and dragged around on a proverbial gravel road. Granted, I’m still alive, so there’s one good thing. I did, as you well know, lose one of my cats.
But school was on hold… I couldn’t focus on it. Trying to seriously sit down and job hunt took more focus than I could handle. I desperately wanted my dad to still be alive JUST so I could talk to him. So he could calm me down. All of my dwindling energy was on the eviction and figuring the next steps out in my life. Trying to get as much of my belongings into storage, figuring out where Portia and I would be going next, how to pick up what pieces were left of my life. I was drained, exhausted, mad, depressed, questioning and curious about the near future…. you name it. Funny enough, the one thing I wasn’t in the last few months was suicidal. Somehow I’d moved past that possibility.
I couldn’t focus on my writing either. Except a poem here or there.
I don’t know where I’ll be a month from now. Let alone six months from now. I had hopes of already being decently employed and saving up to move to Germany this fall for a second graduate degree. But I don’t even have enough money right now to buy a covered litterbox for Portia.
I’m afraid to open my school email and see what messages wait for me. My life has been hit hard. My health has as well. Right now it’s more my knee and my back injury/sciatica that’s giving me grief. Only slightly better than being sick all the time. Which I was most of the last few months.
I left a voicemail for my school advisor. I’ll be downtown tomorrow for a couple of things and said if she wants me to come in and figure this mess out, I’ll be around. Not sure she is, as she hasn’t changed her outgoing message for over a week.
Right now I’m back on the job hunting part. I’m getting that down at least. Running damage control on my schooling is next. I know one thing: no one, not me or my advisor or my professors, could have guessed that my life would be in such disarray. Until one has been through this kind of thing, they can’t really imagine how distracting and frustrating it is. It was hard enough when my dad died a month before the end of my first semester of grad school. it was unexpected. It hurt. It still does. Losing my housing and my soul-kitty and trying to get through the whole thing one day at a time… I’m still not sure how I’m surviving this. And I’m the one living it.
If you figure it out… let me know, okay?