Right now, as I type this, I’m partly zoning out, breaking down. The stress and anger and frustration have hit a breaking point in me. I’m not angry at the world, although a lot of my frustration is over job hunting. My anger is more at myself.
“Why can’t I find work? Why can’t I get my shit together? What am I doing wrong? I keep fucking up. Everyone tells me my skills are highly desirable, and yet I can’t get a damn interview for something I know I’m good at. What is WRONG with ME??”
When I express these feelings and thoughts externally, I get told that it’s the market. Hell, I’ve used that excuse when fighting with my sister when she berates me for being jobless. Yes, the market here is ugly. But there’s no reason I shouldn’t at least get interviews.
Some of those thoughts are variations of what I grew up hearing and believing as a kid. But that’s been pretty much handled in therapy. Do I still battle those thoughts and feelings? Yeah, but they aren’t as persistent.
I know I can do better. BE better. But I feel like I’m flailing around trying to be an adult but not doing a very good job. Part of that can be put on the various phases of abuse and PTSD… but I still have to own it. I still have to take responsibility. I just feel lost. Even broken, even though I keep telling myself:
I. Am. Not. Broken.
I know where I want to go. Where I want to be. How much income I want/need to survive and maybe even enjoy life a little. I see my friends on FB rave about how awesome this or that movie was, but getting to go see it? Maybe I’ll catch it down the road.
The last time I dealt with the eviction proceedings, I knew my financial aid funds would cover it once they showed up. This was two years ago, right after my dad died. Some snafu in communications and paperwork resulted in my aid getting disbursed. Trust me, January was Hell that year as well. I’ve struggled and fought with this for two years. I did well for the next six months and the eviction was discharged. You have to pay on time or the eviction is reinstated and you’re out. It was discharged. This time, I don’t know what the next few months will hold. One good thing is that if I do get the funds together in time, I’ll have the next 6 weeks to find work in some form and get paychecks going (I’d have to pay January and February).
With PTSD, grad school, job hunting, trying to promote and get stories for the anthology, my volunteer project at the museum, then temporary stuff: getting sick for 5 weeks with three side infections all while sick. Trying to clean up my apartment. Trying to get gigs from TR, dealing with a sick cat (who has one of the same infections I already recently tackled). It’s all too much. My winter break from school is supposed to be relaxing… a time to read non-school books. I haven’t been able to find the one I was reading earlier… I hate picking up another one when I still need to finish the other.
So I feel stuck. Worn down. Tired of life but still needing to wake up each day and get things done. My energy levels aren’t what they used to be. Just doing one thing, such as going to get cat food tomorrow (they are seriously out of kibble), will wipe me out. If you’ve heard of The Spoon Theory, I feel like about half of my original set of spoons have been stolen by something so I have less to work with.
Trying to find peace amidst the different things in my life when so much causes stress. I know that once I get steady work that I can at least reasonably enjoy, I’ll be better. It’s getting that work that’s part of the problem right now. I’m doing what I can with what I have, which isn’t much… but I’m trying.
I just need some help to keep me, my cats, and my stuff safe.