I’ve been a lot of things to a lot of people my whole life. One thing I’ve been to many who have passed through or are still in my life is a door mat. If you needed something, I’d do everything possible to do it. Sacrifice my time, my space, my sanity, my life…. for others.
I still have a bad habit of saying yes to damn near everything. I’m working on the “what will I do” part. As well as trying to back away and say “no, I can’t be a miracle worker.” If someone needed a ride when I had a vehicle, I’d be there. When someone needed a place to crash, I offered space, even when I didn’t really have much to spare.
There comes a point when I have to back down for more than just one or two little things. While yes, I needed the money from my two gigs this weekend (that won’t show until after I need to pay rent, not like it would be enough), I find myself ragged and feeling like I actually am getting a cold. I don’t get them much… but when I do, I’m down for the count for a while. My problem is that my year-round allergies and a cold are so much alike, it takes me several days to realize that maybe it isn’t just my allergies this time (clue right now is that my Singulair isn’t working like normal).
I have appointments and volunteer hours to do all the way through to Friday this week. not much time for rest. Unfortunately, rest is one thing a person with a cold needs. At least my appointments the next couple of days are mid-afternoon, so I have mornings to “sleep” in (I have a feline alarm clock at 6am).
I keep going. Trying not to cave too much to others ‘needs’ and ‘wants.’ I can’t be everything for everyone. I need to focus on taking care of me and my two feline charges. All of my writing related stuff, including the press and the anthology, will continue. But I’m pulling back from some stuff. I need to focus on finding work… rather badly. Revamping things, applying for more stuff. It all takes energy… something I can’t give away freely. I don’t have enough to do that anymore.
I’ve long felt like a doormat. Someone who gets used and abused and taken advantage of for just about my whole life. Sometimes I’m TOO nice for my own good. It gets me into predicaments.
Hopefully I’ll have some decent luck with scrounging up funds for rent and storage. Please share….