As usual, yes, #crowdfunding is still a factor… it will be in every post until I’m stable financially.
Then there’s the Lelephant. I’m not sure where that term came from in my life. Maybe from a friend’s kid… don’t know… but I like it. Right now, I have a huge white Lelephant following me around.
I’ve struggled the last few weeks with an incident that triggered what I had never before considered to be what it is: PTSD. I am a survivor of sexual assault (an attempt at 19, and then repeated assaults a couple years later). I did therapy, I tried imagining facing my primary attacker. I did all the things… except report it to the police. A big mistake, but I felt I wouldn’t be heard. That I wouldn’t be taken seriously. When politicians brag about how low reporting numbers are, it’s a sad state. Yes, the numbers of rapes being reported are low, but that doesn’t mean those numbers are accurate. I know I’m not the only one who has never reported sexual assault to the police. There are many -too many- of us out here, walking around in our lives, trying to block out the memories, the pain, the things we can’t forget no matter what we do or take or drink to try forgetting.
We are out here getting our voices dismissed by men -and even some women- who think we must be making it up. I wish. Man, do I ever wish it had never happened.
But it did.
And throughout most of my adult life, I have lived with it. I’ve shut myself off from any possibility of a connection that could be romantic. Now, my asexuality does come into play to a certain point. But remember, please, that asexuality is merely a lack of sexual attraction to others. It has nothing to do with my assaults or PTSD.
I didn’t think it still bothered me THAT much. Three years ago, I had my “ladies'” exam… and freaked out in a full on breakdown. Yet I still moved forward. I still kept going. Hoping I could still -one day- find a relationship where things just kinda worked themselves out. One little freakout session… meh. I left it behind me. Thought nothing of it.
Then the latest thing happened. Again, no details. It wasn’t a sexual advance, but certain things happened that triggered memories I’d long ago dealt with… or so I thought. In the time since that incident, I’ve slipped into this even thicker fog. I’ve had things I needed to do, but couldn’t bring myself to do them… how do I cope? How do I still function?
I think the latest thing has pushed me closer to being Dragon than normal. Preferring to not socialize…. I don’t feel like me right now. Granted, I haven’t since my dad passed away two years ago. But add a trigger from my assaults and it’s one big mess. I’m in shut-down mode. Sometimes the littlest things will grate on my nerves.
I never asked for this…. any of it. But the Lelephant won’t go away. I can’t afford to feed it. And I’m not allowed to have a “third pet” here…
I wish there was a magic wand or something to make the pain go away. Let me heal. Let me have peace in my life.
It doesn’t exist. I know that. I just kinda wish it did.