2015 hasn’t been an easy year for me. I feel like I spent the first half of the year in a fog grieving for my father. I started to snap out of it late in April when I had my reduction surgery. Then I hurtled headlong into financial issues.
I’ve bounced back and forth between retail and other jobs my whole working life. Retail was always my backup. I’m now at the point physically where my body can’t handle retail. I can’t stand for more than an hour or so. I need to be able to sit in a normal chair. I need to be able to move around and have variety: standing, sitting, walking, lifting, moving around. I can handle a job that way. But just standing doesn’t cut it anymore. I’ve been job hunting for about six months now with little luck. An interview here, a call there. But nothing.
Retail has been the fallback job choice. Whenever I’ve taken one in the last decade or so, my thinking has always been, “it’s just for a little while until I get something better…” and that “Something Better” never comes. I worked in a fabric store for four years thinking it will get better and then I took a PT job that didn’t last long to get out of that job. Four years. Then my last retail job that just ended. “It’s just for a while…” turned into 2 years. Two years of corporate retail that sucked the life out of me. I finally walked away, took LOA, and then got let go because of a mess of miscommunication.
Two good things did happen: I finally got my breast reduction surgery, after five years of fighting for it. I had complications, but it’s all fine.
I also found out that my friends have helped me and supported me through the last few months. Starting in July, most months have involved me scrambling until the last minute to get rent money together. Friends, and some family to a point, have helped keep me going.
I just took a funky gig and it doesn’t seem to be working so far. I had hoped it could get most of my current financial difficulties taken care of, but I haven’t gotten paid for my first round. I have little more that I can sell off. What I do have isn’t selling.
If people ordered some of the lace masks from my shop, it would help, but no one has ordered them. Granted, my marketing hasn’t been really great.
Yes, I have amazing friends. I just wish I didn’t have to beg and borrow from them. It does feel like I’m failing at adulthood. Flailing my arms like Kermit when it all gets too much for him. I’ve been frustrated, contemplated suicide, had panic attacks that sent me to the ER, wanting to scream at the world. “It’ll do” is no longer enough. I can do better than basic jobs. I NEED better. While others may be fine living right at the poverty line, I’m done with it. I’m tired of it. But I do feel like I’m stuck in between.
See, my theory is that those “good enough” jobs are keeping me from the type of jobs I want and know I can do. Why? Because that’s what they see as most recent on my resume. I’ve had five jobs, two of them overlap early on, then two others overlap as well. They go in this order: retail (4 years), library (1.5 years, overlapping part of the retail), then a brief stint in a job at PSU, then unemployed for a while, then the other non-retail job (2 years, overlapping with the next job, entertainment business industry), then retail hell job I just got let go from.
I feel like I’m sitting in between, like career purgatory. Heaven is a good job with decent pay…. and Hell is going back to mediocre, low paying jobs that suffocate me and keep me below the poverty line. I know I can get to Heaven, but Hell has many voices telling me, “it’s just for a little while…”
So now, on the eve of a new year… my hope is that I get a little closer to Heaven… the Heaven of jobs that is.