I’ve alluded, in my About page, to being not in the “normal” realm of sexuality. The problem for me with Coming Out Day is that some in the LGBT community don’t think those within my sexuality have a right to “co-opt” the term “coming out.”
While it’s true that we don’t typically get beat up for it, we do get maligned. Disrespected. We’re “less than human” to many. I get the jokes about amoebas, being frigid, and then there are the “corrective rape” douchebags.
I am hetero-romantic gray/demi-asexual (also referred to as Ace). This simply means I am romantically attracted to men. Zero interest in women. I can look at men and greatly appreciate them and all their… *ahem* assets. I can fantasize about them. Now the gray/demi part… this is where it can get confusing. The spectrum of sexuality is HUGE. There are a lot of points along that spectrum and I’m somewhere close to the middle, but very much on the asexual side.
I can become intimate, although it takes a lot of patience and time on the side of whomever I may be with. I’ve chosen to not delve into any relationships, and barely even dating, for years now, because of many reasons. Even long before I knew I was asexual. I figured it out in 2009. At first I identified as aromantic (with hetero leanings) asexual. I didn’t want to hold hands or kiss anyone… nothing. nada. zip.
Now? I do want someone to curl up with and watch movies. I want someone to have fun with and go on adventures with. Someone I can be silly with and kiss and be romantic with. Someone who loves me for who and what I am, regardless of how much sex we may or may not have. But it’s difficult finding someone I am attracted to in all those other ways. Someone I can see myself with in the long term. Someone I can maybe grow old with.
Someone who can let loose and dance to Hakuna Matata with in our jammies sliding across the floor. I want that person. I want to curl up in bed with that guy. Maybe even make those vows with. Someone I can love unconditionally and who loves me back the same way.
But I get weird looks. I get the amoeba jokes. I get the ignorance. I get the threats of corrective rape:
“You just need the right guy to show you what good sex feels like.” (typically with the readjustment of their “belt buckle” alluding to the idea in their head that THEY are that guy)
Ummm… may be… but it sure as hell isn’t YOU, asshole. (I’ve had sex. I’ve also been raped. It was never comfortable even when it wasn’t forced. I just didn’t know what I was back then, and likely being Ace contributed to my physical pain… but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t rape. In my experience, any guy who thinks they’re some awesome lover… usually sucks.)
So, what I ask of people is this: Be respectful. It isn’t that hard to do. If you have questions, phrase them nicely and ask away.
You can also go to:
Learn, be open-minded. Instead of making crude jokes, educate yourselves. I am not less than you. I am a human being… your equal. I choose to accept all those who are different. We are all unique in our own way. No matter our differences, we are all the same.
Ask, don’t assume. And don’t be a jerk. Thank you.